Dante's Abyss (2022): Power Rankings

Karl Jak

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<3 Barracks Power Feelings Rankings <3

(Out-of-Karl [OoK] Quip – As in the past, preshow Power Rankings (a concept used in sports and other stuff to rank teams less on tangible things like Win-Loss records and more so on analyst’s attempting to incorporate other, intangible factors as well) should not be taken as an indictment on your writing capabilities, as these are entirely ‘in universe’ quips from the host of the show. They are based primarily on preshow activity with some nonexistent points for what your character was up to during the preshow, hence why people who joined super late or didn’t participate much are nearer the bottom. I know not many of you are sports people, but these rankings are kind of like pre-season rankings for sport’s teams.

The next Power Rankings will come… let’s say either halfway through Day 1 or at the start of Day 2. I want to see how much goes on the first few days before I commit to either option. The next set of Power Rankings will rely primarily upon: Gear (weapon or support item), any injuries, any partnerships, and your character [I have a blurb in the rules if you want to read more on this].)

***

"Good evening, Lovelies, Karl Jak here, and I’m welcoming you to the first installment of the Power Rankings (or Power Feelings, if you please). With our twenty-eight contestants relaxing and resting for the trials ahead, we should take some time to reflect dootyfully upon our prospects.

Smooches."

28. “Doomguy” – He will rip and tear … into a bag of potato chips that he’ll gladly share with you.

27. Killy – New phone, who dis

26. Demetri – But are you still metaphorically made of glass this time around?

25. Nico Cinder – Teenagers are always late (Is this still a teenager? I lose track of time)

24. Pyke – First time I’ve had an entrant named after a coffee roast.

23. McNinja – Herr Doctor is IN

22. Rogue – NEVER TRUST SOMEONE WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT

21. Fennec Shand – Why is she named after a fox

20. Kefka – Not even Top 1 clown, that’s gotta hurt

19. Nearl – Will you come anywhere near the championship? Or will you just get sent to the doghouse like the majority of our canine-influenced contestants???

18. Shikiria – Can you confirm or deny the rumors that you are she-wolf?

17. Toga – Is this still jailbait?

16. Caustic – Can anyone really trust anyone from the Soviet Union? (shut up, Kevin, people probably know all about commies in this place!)

15. Aster – I don’t know what’s more concerning, the amount of child- and childhood-adjacent individuals or the number of dog-themed individuals (I see you, Shakira)

14. Kolith – Yea, okay. Now we got BEARS. Just need a bearded lady (Clown-Caustic, would you care to double-dip?)

13. John Connor – The guy with probably PTSD from the dystopian future is the closest thing to a functional person we got. You love to see it.

12. Jester – Child-adjacent, and I must assume also a clown, given the name (quiet, Kevin).

11. Anders – I have some history books you probably want to avoid.

10. Josuke – So this isn’t also that one guy from last time with the jetpack? You’re telling me this is a new person? (Yes) Are you sure? (… Yes) But the pompa— (Yes.)

09. Trevor O’Skully – Seems normal. Is probably a werewolf.

08. Lilith – Given libido and other appetites, probably also feral animal-themed

07. Sigmund – Unknowingly contractually obligated to be here

06. Chara – Toga but with magic powers, right? (Well, Sir, if you review her fo—) Toga, but with magic powers. Man, I had teenagers.

05. Riddick – Probably secretly has a soft spot for children and losers.

04. Father Gascoigne – Ne jamais faire confiance à quelqu'un avec un accent du sud

03. Deadpool – It’s a joke. Don’t get jaded *WINK*

02. Slurt Crumbucket – Only thing worse than teenagers is actual children

01. Christine Calamity – Pas d'âme? Cinq francs disent que tu te fais poignarder pour un petit enfant.
 

Karl Jak

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(start of) Day 3 Power Rankings
The power rankings are based on a combination of: equipment, long-term allies (versus the number of transient partnerships), injuries, and Karl's feelings (if not implied, that means these lists are naturally in-character).

28. Caboose – Is the literal caboose at the moment (that’s a 10/10 joke, Kevin)
27. (Down 4) Pyke – A rare case where I believe the unmaking ‘process’ is probably an improvement over the original?
26. (Down 9) Toga – Aren’t there better ways to spend summer break? Like at camp? Teenagers still do camps, right?
25. (Down 5) Kefka – New Screamsicle just doesn’t smack the same way.
24. (Down 5) Nearl – Good thing that armor helped you to nearly avoid a Day 1 disaster
23. (Down 12) Anders – Patiently waiting to burn it all down, I assume.
22. (Up 5) Ketkin Flynn – Workin’ man’s contestant. Gets into industrial accidents and beats adolescents. Just missin’ the six pack of Coors.
21. (Down 9) Jester – Don’t these people know that they need to protect the healer? Ouch.
20. (Down 6) Kolith – Scariest almost dead person you’ll probably find.
19. (Up 1) Shakira – There are no grammies for 19th place.
18. (Up 5) McNinja – How did those pastries wind up for you?
17. (Up 4) Fennec Shand – Is not yet too old for this shit.
16. (Down 1) Aster – Do you feel cool yet?
15. (Down 2) John Connor – We believe he is still out there! Somewhere.
14. (Down 4) Josuke – Grenade launcher should not be fired at close quarters.
13. (Up 13) Demetri – This guy gets it. Mirages were made for killin’. 10/10
12. (Down 7) Riddick – Making sacrifices for children will win you points with certain crowds but won’t necessarily win you the island.
11. (Down 10) Christine – Soulless and swordless.
10. (Down 7) Deadpool – Fifth dimensional chess or preschool checkers? We’ll never know.
09. (Down 3) Chara – Doesn’t like the Goonies? 0/10
08. (Up 17) Nico Cinder – You won’t use it.
07. (Down 5) Slurt – The precious, apparently.
06. (Up 1) Sigmund – “A priest and a priest walk into a forest…”
05. Trevor O’Skully – Went about 3 full days without really speaking to anyone? From someone who works with Wade every year, that’s not something I see too often.
04. Father Gascoigne – I’m waiting for the punchline.
03. (Up 13) Caustic – It’s *don’t* punt the baby.
02. (Up 6) Lilith – Y’all should probably swift left.
01. (Up 21) Rogue – *laughs in Arthur Morgan*
 
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