<3 Barracks Power Rankings <3
(Out-of-Karl [OoK] Quip – As in the past, preshow Power Rankings (a concept used in sports and other stuff to rank teams less on tangible things like Win-Loss records and more so on analyst’s attempting to incorporate other, intangible factors as well) should not be taken as an indictment on your writing capabilities, as these are entirely ‘in universe’ quips from the host of the show. They are based primarily on preshow activity with some nonexistent points for what your character was up to during the preshow, hence why people who joined super late or didn’t participate much are nearer the bottom. I know not many of you are sports people, but these rankings are kind of like pre-season rankings for sport’s teams.
The next Power Rankings will come… let’s say either halfway through Day 1 or at the start of Day 2. I want to see how much goes on the first few days before I commit to either option. The next set of Power Rankings will rely primarily upon: Gear (weapon or support item), any injuries, any partnerships, and your character [I have a blurb in the rules if you want to read more on this].)
***
Wait, where the hell is this?
The Medium’s communications area, Karl. It’s like a digital place where people communicate in the Crossroads.
So yet another not-Internet? Does this one have Youtube?
Hush now, they’re reading.
"Hello, Ladies and Gentle… people? Multerrans? Two years and you think my communications department would have this sorted out. Good evening, Lovelies, Karl Jak here, and I’m welcoming you to the first installment of the Power Rankings (or Power Feelings, if you please). With our twenty-eight contestants relaxing and resting for the trials ahead, we should take some time to reflect dootyfully upon our prospects.
28. Nico – You are not Serbian.
27. Pecan – A nut name for a nut. Huh.
26. Kayleigh – ‘July embers’ just doesn’t have the same ring. Also, It just makes me miss that one clown (not the loli, the other one with the teeth).
25. Bruce Banner – Nerds went out of style when they cancelled that stupid sitcom, didn’t they? Wake me up when Mr. Hyde shows up.
24. Ellie Vaughan – Did we lose you??
23. Toga – Spent the preshow in the bathroom? Was it makeup or cigarettes? I hope you’ve transitioned to those electric gizmos.
22. Yuuka – All pruned up and good to go? Or are you wilting? (this shitpost sponsored by the Coca Cola Co.)
21. Doomguy – Loading guns you can’t bring along must take a while.
20. Mr. X – Please dream deeply as you ponder what, precisely, this not-man will ‘gon give it to ya’.
19. Frieza – Y’know, I’ve known not one… but two of you who were secretly English. True story, ask Wade!
18. Gildarts – You know, you look familiar.
17. Cho – Make sure to keep yourself grounded, kid.
16. Jak Mar – Don’t forget not to look at the explosions.
15. Suwako – ‘Shrine goddess’? Isn’t that just fancy talk for ‘country bumpkin pseudo-diety’? Come back when they upgrade you to space goddess… or even cosmic space goddess. Then we can talk.
14. Aku – WHY WON’T MY ALL CAPS TURN OFF, HRNGHF
13. Jason Voorhees – CHH CHH CHH AHH AHH AHH
12. Roy Mustang – Please make certain to retrieve a list of appropriate, fire-based puns from a Syntech employee before boarding the helicopter. You seem like the type who can’t pull out a quality pun in the spur of the moment, Colonel.
11. Mugen – Hey, is this another one of those Rurouni types? An angry saiyan with high blood iron levels once told me that redheads are more fun (did he?), and I’m willing to take his word on that one.
10. Malloki – If things don’t work out, I’m sure we can find you an off-Broadway production of Les Miserables to star in. Either that or an angsty movie where a bounty hunter (doesn’t) kill people? You seem like you could fit either.
9. Victor Wolfe – Hey, does this guy know his boss is here?
8. Okuyasu – I can list you about a dozen better ways to use a Hand that large, sweetheart.
7. Sigmund V – I knew your (not) daddy. Hell, I might even know your cosmic space daddy, but I guess that’s not very important in the given context, is it? ?
6. Ashe-0 – I prefer the black war machine. Adding lady parts just feels like Cheadling.
5. Kopaka – I believe I already made an erotic joke about robotics in the last fortnight, which means I can’t use this blurb for that purpose. So, uhhh… let’s just say that I’m certain you’ll be serving up a few more iced lattes in the coming days (if you catch my drift).
4. Deadpool – Did you expect him to land anywhere else, regardless of circumstance?
T-2. Gilgamesh – Just like in many years past, the King of Heroes has the ego, the skill, and the guile to manipulate and bulldoze his way into the Finale. But with great ego comes great paranoia… Will Gil thrive or will he be driven mad? Will he be undone by a mouse? A cutthroat? The icy hand of justice?
T-2. Mickey Mouse – Oh, look, this guy. We’ve gone all these years and he can still barely dress himself in the morning, yet I’m the walking fiasco? Also… “Mickey Mouse and worming his way into the top quartile of these rankings… name a more iconic pairing (aside from green people and lifetime bans … or green people and ellipsis… or green people and beer.).”
1. Arthur Morgan – Anytime you want to take part in my Brokeback Mountain LARP, you have my number in your Survival Bag. I know you’re looking for some horses, and I assure you that I have plenty of willing mounts.