Death Game Season 3: The BEEF Rankings
“Hello out there, everyone! Good morning, good day and good evening to all of our absolutely lovely viewers, observers and event-keep-up-with-ers! My name is Shanise, and on behalf of the Carnivale Rosa, I’ll be presenting this year’s….mmm…BEEF rankings!”
Yes, that’s right! The listing where we detail our exclusive and unfettered opinions on just how all of our competitors stack up with their sheer physical….presence! We’ve gone to great effort to catch some pictures of everyone at their most…mmm, ‘flattering’, to make them look as good as possible. So let’s not waste any more time, hmm? Come with me, and make sure to thoroughly take in aaaaall the sights we’ve so lovingly prepared!”
#18 – Chaos Agent Rory – Mmm….well. I’m sure he’s in very good shape for a penguin?
#17 – Five – The uniform is very nice, and I’m sure you’ll develop some muscle as you get older. Oh, wait….does that one touch a nerve? I wasn’t mean, was I?
#16 – Kevin – I know even though he doesn’t really look like it, he’s probably in great shape. It takes a lot out of you to be an assistant to someone like Karl Jak!
#15 – Laurentius Abernathy – It takes a certain amount of gumption and physical….something or other to deal with the dead so regularly, even if that ‘something or other’ isn’t necessarily super good for the actual body.
#14 – Zayin – Come on, now. We all know that all that swordplay means this angel probably has some really….divine traits. Shame that collar’s hiding it from us all right now, huh?
#13 – Mid-Boss – There’s no denying that you’re in great shape, but you’re a little…scrawny. I bet if you were a real boss you’d look like you carry your entire stage.
#12 – Coda Nitai – I have it from reliable sources that under that suit and jacket she’s actually in great shape. She’s got some…very good genes. Trust me.
#11 – Kiryu and Majima – Boy oh boy. These two are…a real fine pair, that’s for sure. All lean and wiry and scrappy, no real bulk that kind of muscle definition you only get from living life…hard. Maybe we’ll get to see their trademark ‘ripping off of the jacket’ and shirtless fight!
#10 – Eddie the Head – I wasn’t sure what to make of this one at first, honestly. I’m still not! But hey, just look at him. He’s definitely got muscle; he even took off his skin to really show it off! I’m sure there’s a crowd out there who’s into that. Probably.
#9 – Michael Myers – Well, he wins points for being a big guy if nothing else. Like, a really big guy. That big, baggy jumpsuit he always wears might not reveal much, but….well. Take a biiiig guess what he looks like without it.
#8 – Vitallion – Hey there, soldier boy. Lose the armor and show off your gains from all that army-carrying.
#7 – Blaidd the Half-Wolf – I know his name is ‘half-wolf’ but he’s built more like a half-bear. Yowza!
#6 – Mister Satan – He sure LOOKS the party of a world martial arts champion. I wouldn’t put it past him to haul the rest of the competition around on a bus!
#5 – Trevor O’Skully – For an assassin, he sure packs a whole load of beef! Who needs to sneak around when you can just punch the concept of being discovered out of existence?
#4 – Flak – I bet he works out by carrying battleships over land to put them in lakes. But maybe remember leg day exists every now and then?
#3 – King Shark – It’s hard to tell, because of how much….bulk there is here. It’s a lot of flab, but then again, have you seen many powerlifters recently?
#2 – Superman – Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. All that red and blue, it doesn’t hide a thing...mmmm. Oh, what? That’s his actual costume?! I thought it was just for show!
#1 – Alex Louis Armstrong – This guy; just LOOK at this guy! It’s like his muscles ate all the other competitors’ muscles! And he even comes with his own sparkles, just to highlight that he is the beefiest man at the meat market! Makes you wonder about the rest of his family, huh?