Morene vs. Pecan: Judge Request

[Pecan]

As the name implies, Morene and I are gonna clobber eachother real soon and we need a volunteer(s) for to judge our clobbering please and thank you.

 

[Omelette Robotnik]

If no one else wants to do this, then I can man the helm. I'm not big on "feedback" and the like, and not everyone cares for my style of judging, but I'll be fair and unbiased.

 

[Morene Fellon]

b e t

 

[Pecan]

It probably wont start for a day or two so we dont need some ASAP

 

[Morene Fellon]

yeh~ Intro and friction starts first, so calm thyselves!

 

[Omelette Robotnik]

Just didn't want you folks thinking we was ignoring you.

 

[Pecan]

Bumping this because fight is imminent.

Rules we have decided on
Word Count - 850
Rounds - 3
Time Limit - 72 hours

Morene'll post first

 

[Morene Fellon]

BET

 

[Morene Fellon]

first post done!!!!!!!!!!!!! the clock ticks now....

 

[Arden Stutidolo]

Can I volunteer to be the judge? If I were the judge, do I judge it here?

 

[Pecan]

For the record Morene allowed me a 2-3 hour extension so I can post when I get off work. If need I can post the discord logs for verification.

 

[Arthur Morgan]

Good luck you two!

 

[Pecan]

For the record, I'm allowing Morene a reprieve on her timer as well.

 

[Morene Fellon]

YEA LMAO ALL IS GOOD TY PECAN ILY

 

[Morene Fellon]

oh yeah pecan needs a few more days to post so he can focus on his schoolwork, so i'm letting him!

 

[Morene Fellon]

btw both of us decided to ditch the time limits because life sucks

but we're done now!!!

 

[Pecan]

We done for reals and ready for judgement from the almighty judges!

 

[Arthur Morgan]

I‘ve got the kielbasa you ordered!

Morene:

• Your first paragraph in the fight contains an almost paradoxical statement. You said Morene flinched as a bullet struck her shoulder, remarked that it was hot enough to glow like molten lead, but in the very next sentence claimed that she didn’t even feel it. If that is the case, why did she flinch when her armor was protecting her so well?
• Not certain that “almost comically” is a fitting descriptor for the bullet bouncing off Morene’s armor, especially when you go on to describe it as “like an ember from a bonfire.” I don’t know about you, but embers are pretty— crackling and popping like firecrackers, but pretty. Maybe go for a more comical similie. A harmless pebble, for instance, or a bird bouncing off a windowpane. Something silly!
• Remember: it’s translates directly to “it is.” Just plain its, on the other hand, is the possessive form. So if you say “the bullet lost it’s heat”, you’re actually saying “the bullet lost it is heat.” Use its instead!
• Excellent action descriptions and imagery. Just watch for making your sentences shorter; this forces your audience to read your sentences in short bursts, the periods forcing their brains to arrive at a full stop again and again. This can mimic the feeling you get from a speedy action sequence in a film!
• That being said, don’t be afraid of the dreaded purple prose! Just try to keep it from infecting your entire paragraph!
• Great work on describing emotions! Really liked your take on Pecan, but try to keep from over-explaining them. When writing for Morene especially, you seemed to get bogged down in overly complex phrases— “she rolled her eyes as she mentally expressed her slight frustration” could be more succinctly and clearly stated as “she rolled her eyes, face pinched in frustration” or something of the like. Notice that the former wording doesn’t actually reveal that much, and while the latter is far from perfect, it at least creates an image or feeling the reader can comprehend or imagine.
• Try to avoid too many describing words like “slightly,” “very,” “rather (something or other).” It’s good to use these phrases every once in a while, everyone does, but try to consider whether they actually contribute meaning to your work. You might be surprised by how quickly you can think of a stronger word or describing phrase. For example, instead of “very fast,” say “lightning-quick” or something else that excites your reader.
• Sometimes your paragraphs seem to begin at odd points in a sequence of events. Every action is composed of two components, a trigger and a heap. The trigger is like touching the trigger of a gun; the heap is the dead body that results. Try to place an action trigger (Pecan falling down) right beside the resulting heap (Morene retreating a bit). Incorporate your character’s emotional reaction (Morene’s frustration) inside the heap to conserve space in your writing.
• When using past tense, try to avoid using “had” more than once in a sentence. For example, “As the smoke of her landing cleared, Morene had stood herself just below the nose of the plane that Pecan had retreated into” should become “As the smoke of her landing cleared, Morene stood herself just below the nose of the plane that Pecan had retreated into.”
• Great description of Morene’s thrusters.
• Your third post seems to contain a pretty pivotal error. In Pecan’s last post, he had just emerged from the manhole, and yet you describe Morene as finding him there, in the sewer. It’s nbd and Pecan went with it, but keep an eye out for that sort of thing. Read your opponent’s posts carefully.
• Good use of tech-based terminology.
• Post no. 2, especially near the end, is lit fam.
• Try not to reiterate the events that happened in your last post. Your readers will probably remember.
• Occasional spelling errors; proofread some more.
• Cool mention of Morene using fencing knowledge to test her opponent.
• Nice use of struggle against environmental factors/Zoids. You do well in describing the setting your character is in.
• Try using senses like smell, taste, and touch more often. I think it could add some extra flair to your writing.

Pecan:

• Extremely long paragraphs with action kind of jammed in. Try to make a new paragraph for every action and reaction so it’s less overwhelming.
• You forgot some commas here and there, included some where they maybe should not have been, and made a handful of spelling errors. Nothing that can’t be solved with a little proofreading, if you’ve got the time.
• Great use of imagery and the senses to describe the setting, injuries, and character reactions.
• I adored your use of clichés. I think they really helped to highlight your character’s witty personality!
• Great spectacle at the end with both characters frying in electrical sewer water. Messed up, but neat.
• Was surprised that Morene and Pecan never interacted really in your second post. Maybe you could have tried to re-engage?
• Super work on describing the mechanical dogs, because I had no idea what they looked like until your post. I’d pictured them as something like the robo hounds in Kingsman: The Golden Circle.
• I like how you begin your posts usually with a witty journal-type amalgamation of Pecan’s thoughts. Seems very personable and helps to connect with the reader.
• You have a great musicality in your exposition, or a great combined sentence structure and punctuation usage. It flows nicely when read aloud, but again, could really use more spaces to break up those big paragraphs!
• Your descriptions of actions are very straightforward, which is good, but occasionally I feel that it diminishes the impact of your writing. Don’t be afraid to include a bit of purple prose to slow things down and really cement and image in your reader’s mind. As it stands, every image you suggest flies by like a speeding train!
• Great work with using your character’s environment to create hazards and further struggles/opportunities for interesting happenings.
• I also appreciate that you included mentions of Pecan’s acquaintances, a relative, etc. to kind of flesh him out as a person.

Overall:
You both did excellently, but you each seemed to steer in opposite directions when writing, which is O.K., but sort of disorienting when trying to follow a story. I’m not sure if y’all communicated any, but in the future maybe try to figure out where you want things to go beforehand so the story runs in a... linear way. Try to keep one another on the right track, eh?

And the winner is...

MORENE!