This is where you can request bonus loot based on the ‘Writing Quality bonus’, which is explained in more detail on the Travel and Questing in the Crossroads page of the Rules Index.
When you’re submitting a thread for review under this system, please make sure you include the following information to make our lives easier:
Characters involved
Link the thread
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We are so excited there has been such a response to quality grading! As a reminder, quality grading is a bonus responsibility that is handled after the staff accomplish their other duties to make the site run as smoothly as it does, and is done on completely volunteer time! We apologize if threads take a while to be graded, we will get to them eventually!
(Humor the double spoiler, the format broke and the edit to fix it refuses to stick.)
"Certainly one of the tools in his toolbox could subdue this deluge of misshapen hoodlums…"
I adored the flow of this sentence in your first post, though I also enjoyed most of the first post in general, especially the distinctness of your humor and voice with Mickey and Disney Co. characters. I can really tell that you're attached and passionate about Mickey and his setting, it's apparent from how "bouncy" (In a good way) your posts are.
"As Arrdyn skateboarded his way through the garage, Mickey found himself silently judging him, no matter how good his smoothie was."
Again, this line made me chuckle a lot. I like how you're striking the balance between awkwardness, humor and slightly anxious tension in this post especially. Also the juxtaposition of Mickey being a shady little thing is really amusing for me.
"It didn’t disappoint. There were gadgets and gizmos a-plenty filling his sight, whoosits and whatsits galore. There were, probably, twenty thing-a-mabobs for him to pull on and press, and he didn’t even know where to start."
With his new ship, wouldn't you think he's the mouse, who has ev'rything~? ?
Just an aside, if PLUTA had been the Tactical Operator you could've called them PLUTO, which I know is already the parallel but I'm a huge nerd about Acronyms and just really couldn't help myself.
Word Count: 4,777
Grading
Description & Clarity: 6
I really wish you'd described the scenery more in your posts, or built the atmosphere. My brain sorta did the heavy work at imagining the spaces the story was taking place in, so I certainly think this area is where you need the most improvement- not to insinuate that you did poorly by any means. I found it really relatable and amusing how Mickey didn't know how to properly describe the Goombas' anatomy, for example, since that IS a strange setup to attempt to explain or describe. I also really liked how you described Mickey's emotions after reuniting with Protoman, the relief and shock, followed by the worried frustration. The actions of the characters were consistently understandable and clear as I was reading.
Technical: 8
You're a pretty good writer at this point, all your periods and commas are well placed. You only had a few spots where I feel like just swapping out a few words could improve the flow.
Characterization: 8
Never once was I lost or confused as to why a character might be doing something. I think in part this is because you've been writing Mickey & Co for several years, so with this crowd it comes a little more naturally to you since you are so familiar. Though the characterizations of these characters aren't incredibly complicated, seeing as they come from children-oriented media, you do a good job keeping those characterizations strong and clean through out the thread. It's clear you're very comfortable and experienced in writing Alex's version of Protoman from OV. It struck a major cord with me when Mickey had that moment of clarity that he'd unfairly judged someone based on their appearances and associations, instead of their character and merits.
Story: 6
I like what you're doing here, and I was considering using this as a note in characterization but I feel like it fits here a bit more. I like that you're showing that Mickey is somewhat prejudiced, and flawed, certainly not always morally pure (though he seems to strive to achieve that). This arc you're using to have Mick question his own actions and judgments can go a lot of places, and I would love to see it through to the end. I'm a big fan of anything introspective, and I think it will be very interesting and fun to see more of this from Murdermouse.
Voice: 7
You have an incredibly clear voice. Your writing is very recognizable to me after just a few sentences, and you do an very good job at using your voice to reinforce all other aspects of your writing, which is the point in the grand scheme of all this. I enjoy the more lighthearted and bouncy tone you manage to pull off, without making it seem too whimsical or optimistic, which is a pitfall I've seen many Disney fanfic writers fall into.
Bonus Tier: One Reward: You have earned a Custom Trinket I've designed for you!
Arrdyn tossed in an extra complimentary strawberry smoothie, enhanced with his unique house blend of protein powder. Drinking this enhanced smoothie gives the consumer a relative boost to their stamina and endurance after a few moments of digestion. This smoothie may be given to any ally for use instead.
"Then, it struck him. Hadn’t he given John this hat?
To Arthur, the humid swamp air suddenly felt frigid."
My heart sunk, or maybe even anxiously skipped a beat in sympathy panic with Arthur.
"A bolt of excitement ran through Dell at this. All the other caskets were unpainted, plain! Surely there was something special in this wooden bone box, even if it appeared to have already been opened. The— the wind or the rats or something must have stirred it enough to cause the lid to slide. After all, the rest of the caskets seemed hardly disturbed enough to indicate the presence of other, er, graverobbers.
With a trembling hand (the other holding the torch up to see by, of course), Dell slid the casket’s lid open further—"
You're actually killing me with the suspension. Have you considered writing old western/folk horror short stories? You are dreadfully good at establishing strange, haunting atmospheres and I mean that in the best way possible. I've been on the edge of my seat for most of this post, especially with the next part!
“Bolog Aaz, Mal Lir!”
Hey.... I recognize that language... WAIT-
"[...] a nightmarish sound that sent electric tingling sparking along their skin and felt like crooked, rotten fingers caressing the hair at the nape of their neck, dry and bone-chilling."
I literally cringed forward, pulled my neck in and bunched my shoulders up at this point because I got such a strong image/sensation in my brain. I read true-crime all the time and there's some pretty gruesome, morbid and creepy stuff described in that sort of media, so good job at making me squirm!
"Very near to hyperventilating, Dell didn’t notice as a stranger stepped out from behind one of the above-ground tombs. They also didn’t notice as this stranger raised his arm, squinting down the sights of a pistol as he took aim at the back of the undead’s head.
What they did notice, however, was the explosive, hammer-striking-metal BANG!'
God, that's so damn badass, hell yeah!
"Old enough, huh? Arthur nodded very seriously, running a hand over his mouth as if deep in thought, but really fighting to keep just how funny that was from showing on his face. Judging by the deepening of the kid’s scowl, he hadn’t quite managed it."
I just wanted to make pretty frivolous but sentimental comment here: how you write Arthur reminds me a lot of my grandpa, who grew up in a one-stoplight town in rural Oklahoma. He always likes to show me old photos and news clippings he's found and saves about his hometown. He kinda has the same skeptical bootstraps frontiersman vibe. I found this section particularly funny because it reminds me of how my grandpa would skeptically humor me or my brother when we were younger.
"One set of tracks in particular drew his attention. Three-toed, even-spaced feet, like a large turkey. Arthur traced the damp impressions with the tips of his fingers. They seemed to retreat into the brush of the bank the two were resting on, tangles of low-hanging branches obscuring their path from view.
“Say, Dell,” said Arthur. “There some kinda big birds wandering around here?"
Word Count: 14,968
Grading
Description & Clarity: 9
There have been several points during this thread where I've literally shuddered out loud, tensed up, held my breath or exclaimed "holy shit" in a hushed, breathy whisper. I can only think of a handful of places where I, personally, maybe would have added a word for the sake of semantic clarity. To quote what I said above, you are dreadfully good at establishing strange, haunting atmospheres. I could smell the thick, humid air, I could feel the sweat and grime, I could hear the druagr's undead tendons moving, and I grimaced more times than I can count. Bravo!
Technical: 9
You are very technically skilled. I only noticed a couple of sentences I'd technically consider run on's and only once did I find a place where you missed a comma, but besides that everything is stellar. Your sentence flow, word choice and pacing made the read silky smooth for me, which I can say is relatively rare for me to experience outside of specific authors due to my dyslexia. I stumble over trying to read longer words and run on sentences if the punctuation and flow isn't taken well into account.
Characterization: 10
I'm not incredibly well versed when it comes to Red Dead Redemption 2's later story and ending seeing as I don't own the game and haven't played it extensively myself, but I have seen several hours of of the gameplay and storyline, certainly enough to say that I feel you've done Arthur nothing but justice in your depiction of him. It would be relatively easy to lean into him being an asshole, or rude, brash, and otherwise nasty, but you've taken a lot of time and care to understand the character and the nuances he has as a human. The way he humored Dell, how he's so incredibly haunted by his past, the way he gruffly pushes his emotions aside and just tries to focus on the present as a distraction- a coping mechanism for his fears and anxieties, while simultaneously showing that he is a grizzled frontiersman, a certified badass, and not entirely bad- just morally gray (okay maybe a bit dingier than gray).
As for Dell, is Dell an original character of yours? I know you're not a fan of writing original characters, but it very clearly didn't stop you from giving them the same amount of time and attention. I'm walking away feeling like I've glimpsed into the mindscape of both characters, and you did it within the narrative, all by showing me with their chemistry and actions, not by telling me outright. I find myself feeling like I'm really understanding these two, they feel like real people.
Story: 10
In my own humble opinion, you strike a beautiful balance in using all of these categories to support your story telling. I've been on the edge of my seat, lured further and further into the mystery and morbid curiosity you've created with both the atmosphere, and the characters' internal monologues/self-reflections. Every moment felt like it had significant and realistic weight to the relevant narrator. Your plot pacing was on point, there was never a moment where I was bored with the writing or felt like a scene was dragging on. I'm still pretty worried about Arthur's damned hand, I hope you explore that and his borderline unbearable guilt/mourning further. The only thing I disliked was that the thread ended "too soon", because I just want to keep reading more and more of Arthur and the story you're telling with him. You have me positively riveted.
Voice: 10
I love the way you use simpler words over more lengthy or flowery sounding language. It heavily lends itself to establishing your voice in the aesthetic of western and folk story telling. I adore that you weren't afraid to really make the narration feel unique in both Dell-centric and Arthur-centric posts. I actually read parts of your posts out loud to Dominic and Joe in voice chat as I was reading it because I was just so impressed with it. I'm not sure if anyone else on the site has managed to pull off western/folk with the same level of familiarity and sincerity that you have. Having grown up in the south/rural areas with southern family, your tone and descriptions felt very familiar and relatable. I think you have such a strong voice with Arthur and this genre because it's close to home.
Bonus Tier: Three (Congrats!) Reward: You have earned a Custom Trinket, valued at up to 3000 Coin! You may design this yourself.
@Shinku : @Mickey Mouse will be handling the grading of your thread, it hasn't been missed or looked over, I assure you~
“The harmony of their laughter, songs and music decorated the night with a jolly and vivacious ambiance.”
This was the first sentence I reached where I really sat back and said ‘wow.’ It paints such a glorious picture, and the musical imagery of “harmony” and then words that I, personally, associate with song and dance like “jolly” really gave me the warm feeling that I think you were going for (which would be really useful later, when the magic was disrupted and everything got sad and scary).
He simply lay like a lifeless puppet with his eyes wide open still seeing the bloody skies above him.
This broke my heart. The tragedy of someone being lifeless but still subject to the horrors of the mortal world… just sucks. Yeesh. Nicely done.
"So here ye' are mate! Did ye' think ye' can skaboosh after the humiliation ye' have got me through, ye' scurvy dog!"
I really wanted to note that I thought the dialect work done on this pirate character was exceptionally well accomplished. Also, I don’t know if ‘skaboosh’ is a real word, but it’s now my absolute new favorite word.
Word Count: 4,671
Grading
Description & Clarity: 5
You are on such a good track here. I can see how much effort you are putting into your descriptions, and a lot of them are very vivid and striking. You seem to have a very good grasp on word choice, and know how to paint a picture with your words and set a scene. I would focus on really making sure these descriptions don’t meld together; oftentimes I would get a little lost and not be sure exactly where we were, or what was happening, so give these moments their time to breathe. This is definitely where you’re strongest as a writer, imo.
Technical: 2
This is, I think, the crux of what has brought some of the other scores lower, because oftentimes some really inspired choices got lost in some sentence structure/flow issues and general grammatical errors. If I had to pick out two that I want you to focus on, they are tense and sentence structure. In general your spelling and knowledge of basic grammar rules is great. Let’s delve a bit deeper into those two big ones, though, with some examples from your post:
As his fury explodes, Shinku let out a loud, resonating scream, raising his head towards the empty sky above him.
This is a sentence in your thread where you switch from present tense to past tense mid-sentence. The first verb you have here is “explodes,” which is present tense, but then you say that Shinku “let” this scream out, which is in the past tense. Mixing tenses is a general no-go, grammatically -- it throws off the flow and can hurt clarity, described in the section above. Either tense is fine here on Multerra, we don’t have any requirements, but as far as grammar rules go, you should be picking one or the other. Try and pay extra attention to the tenses of your verbs in future posts and keep them consistent throughout the entire post. If you have any further questions about this, feel free to ask. I will also be glad to give you examples of posts that utilize each of these tenses if you’d like to read some.
He finally found some vines full of berries in them where Shinku helped himself in gathering some.
This is a sentence that’s an example of where your sentence structure makes this sentence longer than it needs to be, and makes it repetitive and throws off the flow. This happens a good bit, and I think with a little bit of proofreading to try and simplify what you’re saying, this is an easily-solved issue. First, let me rewrite this sentence for you, and then let’s unpack:
“He finally found some vines full of berries and helped himself to some.”
You see first and foremost I’ve removed “in them.” “Full of berries” is already a phrase describing “vines,” so we already know the berries are “in them” and don’t need that repeated again. Secondly, we already know the subject of the sentence is Shinku, and if that’s not changing in the second half, we can simply connect the clauses rather than repeating the subject. Shinku is both finding the vines and helping himself, so we can mention him once and still make that clear, making the sentence easier to read. Lastly, I’ve removed “in gathering,” because it essentially tells us the same information we’ve already gotten in “helped himself.” I, as the reader, generally understand that “helping himself” to the berry-filled vines means that he’s gathering them, so adding that phrase is unnecessary and ends up not being grammatically correct.
Overall, these issues speak to an overflow of ideas that all come out on the page in a manner that may not always be exactly clear; I’d encourage you to read your sentences out loud occasionally and see if you think they can be shortened, or to give your posts to a writing partner to check and see what they think is clear and what they think can be clarified. Having someone read over my stuff is something I do almost every post I write, and it is so helpful.
Characterization: 4
It’s very evident that you have a grasp of what type of character Shinku is, and you have the ability to portray that. I think that there’s room for you to find some moments to merge the actions that you write with the descriptions of Shinku, because there are times when they feel very separate. You talk a lot in very explicit terms about Shinku’s trauma, and while there’s some examples of it motivating his actions and how he carries himself, I’d love to see you lean into that more.
Story: 4
This story, for the most part, was very clear. I liked the alternating settings, flipping back and forth from the past and Shinku’s great trauma to the present day and what he currently has to deal with. Sort of tagging on to what I was saying before, I’d love to see the connections between those two moments explored more. For example, I think there are ways to weave Shinku’s village being destroyed into why he is so willing to help children even at his own disadvantage, or why he refuses to be bullied by the pirates. These are things I think you were hinting at, but I think they can be made even clearer by placing the flashbacks more carefully.
Voice: 3
I really, really like the vibe that Shinku has going on and mostly I think that this category will improve as you get more and more comfortable with the technical aspects of your writing. I see some word choices that are very specific and really set a tone, and I think if you nail down some of those sentence structure issues you can really be intentional about the way things sound and the way you describe things and really lock that in. Right now, it just falls a tad flat because of the structure issues.
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered Reward:
- A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something. Jacob’s Note: I’m currently already offering free submissions for next month to people who review all three threads, so if you do review all three August threads and qualify for that, I will allow you a free entry into October Book Club as well!
- A potential follow-up prompt for your story:
The Pirate’s Code doesn’t allow for loose ends, and Shinku is a loose end. The gang of pirates you slaughtered had friends, and after much work, they’ve tracked you down and give you a choice. You can face their wrath, or help them.
Y’see, a group of their shipmates have been imprisoned on one of the floating islands for trying to steal some rare jewels from some of Opealon’s rich and powerful. If you can use your “magic disappearin’ powers” to get them free, then maybe the pirates will call it even and leave you alone.
So that’s that, then: face them down or help their friends. The choice is yours, Shinku.
(This is simply a potential prompt; you can use it or not, I won’t be offended!)
Thanks for that story on Pirates! Right now Shinku is on Erde, maybe the pirates tracking him down there might be a good twist. Will definitely write a thread on that.
Submitting my personal thread on Opealon, Memories of Love, featuring Shinku Ashikaga as the sole playable character, with the participation of a temporary NPC Birke
There comes a time when any sapient creature, no matter how driven, how instinct-filled, how ambitious, must sit and digest their day’s experience. Think of smaller things. Employ themselves in mindfulness and errant thoughts. For many creatures, this particular usage of time ‘downtime’...
It is a group roleplay involving Katsuki Bakugo and Izuku Midoriya.
I am in it for the critique as I have been out of the game for a long time and am looking to improve on my accumulated shortcomings. Though, trinkets are neat!
”A flash of lightning split the sky again, and she finally saw something. Something large -- larger than even she was, which was a worrying prospect -- perched on the crumbled remains of a building. Quadrupedal, and made all of sharp lines and angles and jagged metal. Large, yellow eyes glinted in the momentary glare of the lightning. Then it faded, and with only a blur of movement it was gone.”
I love the imagery you use here, especially how obviously unnatural the figure is. I can see the lightning crackling overhead in the dark tumultuous rain clouds, and I personally felt a twinge of anxious uncertainty that some strange large beast is roving the cityscape.
”Ashe lapsed into silence, simply staring at the man with an unblinking gaze. Seconds stretched into minutes, making him shift uncomfortably and look away, rubbing his arm nervously.
"....agreeable," she finally stated.”
I think this part does a good job at getting across the point that Ashe isn’t human, nor does she distinctly care about people feeling awkward around her. I laughed at this as well, nothing like someone’s glaring silence to give a little tension/relief to the scene~
"....fan-friggin-tastic." Smythe laughed joyously. "Alright, so, as to what you'll be looking for..."
Energon.
Brilliant transition, I actually really enjoy the sort of jumpcut-esque scene transition that this represents because it allows relatively irrelevant stuff to be left out while also providing a distinct shift in tone and scenery.
”Sometimes logic and ingrained information was...such a hassle. It made experimentation far more difficult when you could accurately predict and assess the risks.”
LMAO what a big mood honestly, Ashe. What a gigantic mood.
Word Count: 10,218
Grading
Description & Clarity: 3
I understand what setting you're trying to convey in your posts, however your sentence structure and flow have impacted this score. There are several points where I had to go back and reread sentences or even paragraphs because the subject was placed awkwardly within the text, which in turn hurt the clarity of your writing. Your choice of descriptors is also consistently flat and dry, while also tending to over explain. Normally an abundance of explanation can be a good thing if used well, but in this case it weighs down what you're trying to convey, instead making your posts feel bloated and sluggish. I used to have this issue myself, since I came from a writing group that was very "if you didn't write it, it doesn't exist in the setting at all" about details. With creative writing, you don't always need to give explanations or empirical structures for things. You should give enough details to keep the reader engaged and interested. It's okay to explain things later on, through more narrative-natural means.
While reading your thread I noticed that you have a tendency to tell, instead of showing. You often use exposition in order to move the scene forward; for example:
”He continued to be evasive and secretive, but concrete information slowly leaked out of him.”
I think something that would’ve been better here would be to show the reader that he’s being evasive, anxious and secretive about his motives and employer. I’ll use a quote from Show, Don’t Tell: How to Show Not Tell in Writing With Exercises for my example:
Tell: “I heard footsteps creeping behind me and it made the whole situation scarier.”
Show: “Crunching hit my ears from behind, accelerating the already rampant pounding of my heart.”
Why this showing example is better:
In an instance such as this, you want the reader to feel what you did: the surprise and the sense of urgency, the fear.
Describing the crunching that hit your ears even through the pounding of your heart not only creates a powerful visual, but it also tells the reader the state your body was in during that intense moment. The first example is weak and does little to explain how you actually felt in that moment.
Character dialog is something I’ve noticed you excel at, so in this circumstance you’d write out more of their conversation to show the reader how he’s fumbling around and being generally avoidant.
Also I wanted to note here: You use “just”, “simply”, “mud” and “rain” a lot throughout your thread. I would take the time to find a good thesaurus and leaf through it (or click through it, either or) while writing to alleviate some of this repetition.
Technical: 2
As I said above, this category is where you seem to be struggling the most. Your spelling is fine, but your sentence structure, subject placement and punctuation could stand for some improvement. The main issue with your structure is that it negatively impacts the flow in several places, lending your writing an unintentionally stilted feeling. You frequently use incomplete sentences and sentence fragments in the body of your thread. If you restricted using fragments and incomplete sentences to just Ashe's internal character monologue this wouldn't be that big of an issue since thoughts are typically faster paced or more incomplete by their very nature. Allow me to give an example using a passage from your second post:
"And so...she did her best. Visually scanning the horizon, as far as her sight retained clarity. Turning this way and that, slowly making a complete circle and getting a general feel for the place. "
Here I've underlined the Subject and emboldened the Verb. Besides starting the first sentence with 'and' (which is technically a no-no but is often overlooked for interest of stylistic choice), it is fine. The second sentence, while not technically incorrect, is confusing to read since you've placed the subject at the end of the clause. This choice would make more sense if you swapped the period between 'best' and 'Visually' with a comma. It would be better structured like this:
"And so... She did her best, scanning the horizon for as far as her vision retained clarity."
I moved "visually" around and changed it to vision, replacing sight with it since we can easily infer that she is looking around with her eyes to get an understanding of her environment, as you've already made a point of informing us that her other non-human capabilities are non-functional.
The third sentence is an unattached dependent clause(fragment). It's only with the context of the first sentence that I'd be able to actually reasonably understand who is doing the turning and why they're doing it. If you remove the first sentence, all the important grounding context about the subject of these actions are completely lost. Now you could either rewrite the sentences so that this dependent clause gets attached onto the tail end of the previous sentence, or you could mention the subject in the line, for example:
"Ashefoundherselfturning this way and that, slowly making a complete circle and getting a general feel for the place. "
So all together it would look like this:
"And so... She did her best, scanning the horizon for as far as her vision retained clarity. Ashefoundherselfturning this way and that, slowly making a complete circle and getting a general feel for the place. "
Characterization: 4
First allow me to say this, I love Ashe and Smythe. I like the gentle dynamic of a stoic robot alongside a shady, somewhat jittery man. At the start of the thread you seemed more stiff with Ashe’s characterization, but once she starts interacting with Smythe and goes on his quest you really loosen up and “settle in” for lack of better words. Your writing certainly comes across as if you’re much more comfortable with how you want to write her the further I get into the thread.
I wanted to point out that from post #12 and onward you’re calling Smythe “Jason Smythe” as opposed to what you had him introduce himself as earlier in the thread (“James Smythe”). Since you only ever called him James once, and Jason the next four times he’s referenced by name, I assume this is an error. This didn’t really negatively affect your grading too much, but I wanted to point it out for sake of clarity, since the name change caught me off guard and I had to check and make sure it was an error and not that... he’d like, between scenes revealed his actual first name.
I'm enjoying how you show that Ashe is stoic and relatively plodding in her emotional reactions, she thinks and philosophizes but remains calm and grounded while thinking over strange or uncomfortable subjects. I personally think you're doing a good job at striking the middle ground and balancing her robotic/AI nature with her pondering, curiosity and her own internal wants/needs.
Story: 3
Your pacing improved drastically once the quest officially started in your thread, likely because you had a more concrete goal to strive for, and you were more comfortable with writing/writing Ashe. I feel like this is the case because your pacing was somewhat sluggish and indistinguishable in the first few posts, I couldn’t really tell what the tone/mood/atmosphere was supposed to be, but you really came into your stride once you got more comfortable.
My main gripe with the story is that you had several moments of tension, but no resolution to those situations. Not every story needs to be action packed, but you clearly set up risks (unknown creatures following, glimpsing strange creatures in the lightning, threat of being attacked by others, threat of Ashe collapsing buildings or falling due to her statue/weight, etc) and never really narratively followed through with any of them. I feel like this is a lost opportunity, as conflict, even conflict as minor as finding another desperate scavenger or her falling through a weak floor of a building would’ve actually cemented the world as being dangerous and uncertain in your thread. It would have shown that the world (and the quest she went on) had inherent risks.
Also I feel like it ended very abruptly, she kicks in a few doors, finds the mcguffin and... teleports away to safety. I think what made this section so confusing is that there wasn’t much done to establish that Jason/James could teleport himself or others. Even a “throw away” line of dialog at the beginning of the quest (or during the few times we see her communicating with him) would have sufficed as narrative set-up. It caught me off guard when he beamed over there, and Ashe didn’t even have a reaction. Her lack of reaction makes the fact that he can teleport feel like it’s nothing new, it’s standard common information that doesn’t even phase her, and as she’s the audience conduit it basically comes out of left field.
Voice: 4
I think the biggest issue affecting the grade of this section is a combination of technical understanding and your comfort with telling versus showing, which is hurdle a lot of writers struggle with, because it’s much simpler and easier to just say something is so, instead of showing and allowing the reader to reach that conclusion on their own. This isn’t to say that Telling can’t be a useful and stylistic tool for writing because it certainly can be, but inexperience with it can make writing feel boring, hand-holdy and sterile. I think you will see a vast improvement once you work on showing more, telling less, and sentence flow.
I’d like to say that I DID notice an increase in quality in terms of flow, structure and formatting as the thread went on. Most of the issues I mentioned in my feedback section are primarily focused in the first five or so posts.
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered Reward: A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something.
Jacob’s Note: I’m currently already offering free submissions for next month to people who review all three threads, so if you do review all three August threads and qualify for that, I will allow you a free entry into October Book Club as well!
Cytokine officials noticed your quick and efficient work in locating and obtaining that Energon, and they’re excited to get their hands on a surviving alien war construct for lowkey research opportunities.
A Cytokine Field Manager approaches you and offers you two choices: you could go back out into the wastelands and do more work as a field scavenger or you can submit yourself for Cytokine official testing and research.
The manager assures you that both jobs offer proper and fair compensation for the “inherent risks” associated with them, and that the company would certainly just love having you on board with full and total cooperation.
Or you could decline both options and find work elsewhere in the city... someone is bound to want a big intimidating looking bodyguard...
Feel free to hit me up on Discord if you'd like more technical writing resources or feedback, anytime (don't be scared of me always being set to Do Not Disturb, I'm always willing to help out, I just hate the constant pinging from all the active discord servers I'm in lmao).
Submitting my personal thread on Opealon, Memories of Love, featuring Shinku Ashikaga as the sole playable character, with the participation of a temporary NPC Birke
Hey pal, sorry this took so long. Ignore the non-colored account name, I am but a lowly consultant doing my best to help out. Anyway, here ya go!
"Yer' here at last kid. What took ye' so long." Birke quickly held his hammer in a tight grip, his lips turning to a wide grin. The wild breeze turned to a sudden gust, bristling on the bushes and trees that swayed along its path. A chorus of howls echoed around the forest, sounding the prelude of a sanguinary act that is about to unfold in this forgotten place of Kirden Wharf.
This. I like this. Sanguinary is a nice word choice, and it made me take in a heavier than normal breath and think 'Aw, shit. Here we go.'
"Now we're talking!" The old man flung himself yet again as Shinku fly backwards towards a huge trunk. Before the assassin's body can be slammed on the wood behind him, he was pulled by another force towards Birke. Shinku quickly swung his sword to clash with the hammer that is about to smash him. The loud clang of metals rang, disturbing the crows the rested nearby. The sudden cry of a couple of creatures fleeing the place sounded the climax of the battle as the two contenders safely dropped upright on the ground.
For some reason, this cracked me up waaaaay more than it probably should have. Those crows, man. Totally unperturbed by all this chaos, and shouting, and smashing of trees. But metal on metal? That's just going too far! Birds out!
Count: 5,665
Grading
Description & Clarity: 4
You have a good thing going here, with your word choice and ability to paint a scene and set a mood. It's really quite commendable, and I think probably one of the areas you're stronger in overall. That said, however, it does suffer a little from some confusion relating to things running together, and a combination of some things being way too literal and flat-out told, whereas others are just confusingly abstract and hard to decipher. It's definitely weighted far more heavily toward the former, but it was never a case of needing to re-read anything more than once or twice (and that due to my reading comprehension being fickle as all hell) to figure out what was what.
The one thing I will point out that suffered a little was the fight scene, especially the last post. I had a hard time fully keeping track and envisioning just what was going on, even in spite of the obviousness of some parts of it where you flat-out tell and say exactly what's going on. There's enough detail to frame it all out in a basic form, but it's...awkward and jittery, like a rough stop-motion or full of jump cuts and I can't really picture it in any fluid or clear way. Action scenes like this can sometimes be hard to really nail down, but you definitely have a good start here, and you can only get better with practice.
Technical: 2
This one is...quite easily what I would say is your weakest area, and the one which has unfortunately brought most other scores down with it. The biggest issue by far which I noticed was the constant tense switching, going from past to present tense, sometimes several times within not only a single paragraph, but within the same sentence! It seriously hampers and impacts the flow and overall readability of things, and makes it confusing and puzzling. Not enough to cause issues with understanding what's going on, but enough that it slows things down and requires a bit of thinking to keep track of what's happening when, in what order and to who.
Another large thing I noticed was a fairly consistent and often muddling of words and not only tenses, but proper usage of them. While your actual spelling and overall composition was good, and no major typos to speak of, there was the occasional butchered word or missing letter which did seriously give me pause, and require a few quick re-reads of a sentence here and there to piece it together. The best advice I can give is to read over things every few sentences, or every paragraph or two, to check for consistency and try to catch and such mistakes. Read it all aloud when you're done, and see if it flows or sounds natural. This is a good way to not only catch spelling issues, but also fix any wonky grammar or word choices which might have slipped through.
The last thing I noticed was that you had a good few flashbacks scattered through your posts. It was hard to tell on a couple of them when they started and ended, as they just flowed seamlessly into the rest of the next and narrative. Something as simple as putting flashbacks in italics can very easily help differentiate such things. Or any other way that suits you to make it clear when you're transitioning between such things.
Your writing is good, but it reads a lot like "stream of consciousness" where you have a lot to get out in a big rush, or you're just over-eager and excited to get things out and progress without fully keeping track of how it's gotten down.
Characterization: 5
Another strong area for you. Shinku is a very distinct character, and that comes across well. The character of Birke, too, was definitely an interesting one. You clearly have a good grasp of picking specific archetypes and ideas for characters and sticking to them, portraying them very well. The thing I can offer as advice is to try and find some way not to keep things wholly separate between actions, descriptions and dialogue. You write character dialogue well, you write character actions well. But they're all....distinct and often separate and exclusive. Try and work on finding some way to keep them less distinct and separated and you should do better here.
Story: 3
This one was...a bit rough for me. I could definitely tell things were happening, and the overall progression of things was clear enough. The flashbacks and dipping into the past were a nice touch, but as mentioned before it was hard to tell what was what there. There were also a lot of things that were just incredibly vague and unclear, such as why Shinku was so obliged or easily convinced to help Birke. That, and the mysterious ring and Shinku's sudden violent response and reaction to it, which was only mentioned in passing and never really...clarified or given any real notion of why it was important or mattered. There was definite progress here, and things moved forward, and I could follow it. It was the details and cohesion of things which I was lost on.
Voice: 5
This is another strong area, I feel. Your style of writing is very identifiable and very 'you', if that makes sense. Your word choice is excellent, and if you can get a handle on your muddling and shuffling of tenses and keep everything consistent, you will do very, very well in other areas as well. Everything does, unfortunately, seem a bit...stale thanks to the issues with structuring and keeping things consistent in regards to general organization and tense. The good part is, you have such a good handle on things, you can really only improve from here!
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered Reward: A free entry in the upcoming Book Club. And an optional follow-up prompt:
All that chaos from the kerfuffle in the woods didn't go unnoticed. Someone -- or maybe some...thing? -- definitely noticed, and had enough wits to piece together the basic gist of what it was all about. They're also rightfully ever so slightly on the completely furious side about all the mess that was caused. Maybe they had a personal stake out there in the woods, maybe it was their home, maybe they're pissed you riled up some great beast or other. Or maybe they just put it together that you have something valuable and now they want it.
They're a ways behind, and not the brightest, but they're onto you. And they're after you. They'll be hunting you down, slowly but surely, and coming to get 'theirs'. What, exactly, it is they're after is vague. Maybe you can pay them off with coin, maybe they'll just pay you a beating and be satisfied, maybe you have something else they want. Maybe you can beat them, fight them off or kill them. They're relentless, but not...very bright. When and where they'll catch up and corner you, that...is the mystery.
Yeah am working with that tense thing. And I admit during this thread (and well some others that follow XD) I'm just eager to gain essence that I fail to consider reviewing what I wrote.
Thanks for the follow-up prompt, that would definitely give me a lot of ideas for my next thread. (Wew Shinku did make a lot of mess there, first I'm hunted by pirates and now, some shady people lol.)
Here I am, back at at again with my bullshit. I'd like to submit my thread Nidhogg. No quest, just normal thread; features only me, with special guest appearance by terrifying undead pirate captain.
Jak and the ottsel, Daxter moved to check the abandoned building they had checked “out” for the night as both took a watch at the front door. Erde Noda sure was a strange city with its own little quirks. Daxter sat up and held the bag close. “Jak, it’s your turn on watch. I stayed up as long...
multerra.zulenka.com
Sending in the new world quest between me and Shinku in Jak XI grand theft auto.
It includes Jak, Daxter (NPC) and Shinku at the F-zero races! No coin has been awarded for us yet.
