[Q] The Adventures of Professor McNinja

[Dr. McNinja]

Dr. McNinja stretched his shoulders. It had been a while since he had been in such an ordeal. Truly, the peril of this upcoming situation was one without equal. He had fought vampires, basilisks, and giant robots - he had cured werewolves and mummy rot. But never did he feel so nervous, for his next opponent was one of unspeakable danger.

Dr. McNinja’s next foe was the attention span of a pre-med.

“Hello, class,” the physician said, writing his name in big letters on a whiteboard, “My name is Dr. McNinja, and I’ll be your professor for Practical Esoteric Medicine 101.”

Doc turned around to the rest of the class. He had about 24 students. Some were humans of various ethnicities and appearances, but many of them were otherworldly races. Doc counted more than a couple elves, several elementals of various elements (was that a glass elemental?), some orcs, and even a human with a lollipop head. Regardless of their wildly different backgrounds, they had one thing in common. They were all staring at him with dead eyes, laptops open, various beverage containers with coffee (or some sort of alcohol), and a clear despondence to learning.

The room itself was a nice long and wide room. Most of it was occupied by ceramic chairs that came with desks, with several desks folded up in the back for the anatomically unusual (along with an old blackboard nobody liked using). The western wall was lined with large windows. The room had two entrances, a pair of double white metal doors, one leading to the front of the classroom and one to the back. The southern wall was almost entirely covered in panels of whiteboard that slid around. Some old doodles that refused to be erased (enchanted marker ink, to be sure) taunted Doc from the top of the whiteboard. The fluorescent lights hummed a corporate tone.

Doc cleared his throat. Some of them paid attention, but most continued to type on their laptops.

“Right,” Doc continued, “Well, you should’ve all received your syllabus in your emails last week-”

One student, an elf with bright purple hair and olive skin, raised her hands. Doc pointed at her.

“Yes, and what’s your name?”

“Selena.”

“Nice to meet you, Selena, is there a question?”

“I didn’t receive my syllabus.”

Doc frowned slightly. Great. It was gonna be that type of class. Well, from experience (and boy was he experienced in academia), clearing away logistical issues was gonna be most of the first class.

“Have you checked your school email?”

“School email?” Selena looked on her laptop, clicking a few times. After about a minute, the fungal colossus next to her bent over and pointed at something on her screen. Selena nodded and seemed to have successfully logged in.

“Got it, sorry.”

“No problem,” Doc said with a polite grin, “If anyone has any questions, feel free to raise your hand, so I can skip you.”

Nobody reacted at all, except for one human in wizard’s robes, whose eyes shifted uncomfortably.

“That was a joke.”

No further response. Doc cleared his throat again and continued.

“Anyway, so my office hours are posted on that. There. Syllabus.”

Oh my God, get it together.

“You can visit me any time during those times if you have further questions or concerns- yes?”

The lollipop-head had raised their hand. “Do you have an email?”
Doc squinted. “Of cou- erm, I mean, yes, let’s get to that. My email is also there. Since I’m also a practicing doctor, it may be more efficient to reach me by email. I tend to respond by the end of the day.”

“There will be a three-part assignment… thing… over the course of the class,” Doc stammered over the groans of the students, “The first is several short papers interspersed throughout the class. There will be an exam - a short one, I promise - after the course. There will be one presentation near the end - just like a two-minute presentation - all about an unusual strain of an esoteric disease.”

Lot of tapping on laptops. Not a lot of looking up. One of them was definitely playing Hearthstone.

Doc clapped his hands and rubbed them together. This part he was good at. “Right, let’s get to the subject at hand!”

Dr. McNinja started writing on the whiteboard again, shifting the panel with his name aside. To his surprise and delight, the panel actually floated off of the whiteboard and hovered in the air. Doc manipulated it for a second, learning how the mechanism worked.

“Cool,” he mumbled, before getting back to work. He wrote Medicina Acroamatica on a nearby whiteboard.

“Right, what is esoteric medicine, also known as Medicina Acroamatica? Does anyone know?”

There was silence. Finally, a human in chic cream-colored clothes and sunglasses raised her hand.

“Yes…?”

“Clarisse.”

“Clarisse. Yes, what have you heard about esoteric medicine?”

“It’s medicine to cure like… weird stuff, right?” Clarisse said, “Like, stuff you only hear about in fairy tales.”

“That’s pretty good, yeah,” Doc said, writing what Clarisse said on the board. “Weird stuff is a bit general, but let’s put up fairy tales on the board. Anyone else?”

An orc, apparently invigorated by Clarisse’s lackluster response, raised his hand. Doc pointed at him.

“Yes, and your name?”

“Rorguk.”

“Yes, and what have we heard, Rorguk?”

“Esoteric medicine deals with medicine that’s used for monsters,” Rorguk answered, “How to treat vampires, werewolves, demons.”

Doc chuckled, holding up a finger. “I hesitate to say the word ‘monster’. We especially try to avoid using that word in this particular expertise. One of the first things you learn about these patients is that they’re just people. Once you separate the disease and the patient, you start to truly understand medicina acroamatica.”

“But!” Doc continued, writing some things on the board, “You brought up great examples of medicina acroamatica. Vampires, lycanthropes, demons, those are all potential patients you’ll have after this course. It’s best you be prepared for that time, yes? Anyone else wanna give it a shot?”

There was no response. Doc nodded. “A little nervous, eh? Yeah, me too.”

There was some chuckling at that. Doc smiled. Okay, this wasn’t so bad.

“We listed some great EXAMPLES of what medicina acroamatica is, but we haven’t quite hit the core of it yet,” Doc continued, “We need to explain folklore and its nature in the Crossroads. As you all know, the Crossroads is a mish-mash of various universes, each of them perhaps very similar, perhaps very different. This means that we’re dealing with entire worlds of cultures, innumerable cultures in innumerable worlds.”

Doc rubbed his hands excitedly. “And that’s terrible.”

Dr. McNinja started writing something on the board, causing the students to write what he was writing: “Prime Earth”.

“There’s a philosophical concept that practitioners of esoteric medicine tend to follow. You may feel differently, you may protest, but this is one of the central… let’s say, foundations of the field. It’s called the Prime Earth theory.”

Dr. McNinja drew a picture of the Earth as he knew it. It was pretty close to the Prime Earth anyway, so it was good enough for a demonstration.

“Through research, scholars of the Crossroads have determined that many of our visitors from other worlds mention a planet. Most are from the planet, or some variation of it. In fact, the physical planet is very similar a lot of the time, only differing greatly in its population and its geopolitics. There are, of course, innumerably different planets people hail from - we are, after all, dealing with infinity - but enough people mention this planet that it cannot be a coincidence. I personally come from a variation of this planet. It’s called Earth.”

Dr. McNinja tapped the planet he drew.

“The theory concludes that, therefore, there must be a PRIME Earth - one central planet that all these home planets are variations of. A common denominator world, basically. Now, don’t worry, our job isn’t finding that world. It’s purely hypothetical as it is. But it’s important to understand this theory so we can understand what esoteric medicine truly is.”

Dr. McNinja turned to his lecture notes. “Right. So this Prime Earth, in theory, has a medical practice in its various cultures. It’s filled with people getting hurt, after all. Then we can conclude that there is a list of fictional diseases as well. People love coming up with stories. I’m going through this pretty fast, so feel free to slow me down if you need.”

None of the students reacted. In fact, a few of them seemed quite interested, and were taking rapid notes. One of them was still playing Hearthstone.

“Raise your hand if you’re a native of the Crossroads?”

Several hands shot up.

“And if you’re from another world?”

The hands went down as the other hands went up.

“Now, raise your hand if you grew up with fairy tales.”

Almost everyone raised their hands.

“Okay, raise your hand if you’ve heard one from your world.”

Now everyone was raising their hands.

“Good! Where there are sentient species, (again this is MOST of the time), there are STORIES. Even the Crossroads! The legend of Dark Link fighting the corrupt beasts of the Uncanny Valley is a great example of this. Now imagine this.”

Doc leaned in slightly. “If there is a world where something is fictional, theoretically, there is a world where that thing is REAL. And the Crossroads is an amalgamation of all those worlds. That means that every fictional disease… is real!”

Dr. McNinja raised his hands. “So what’s esoteric medicine really about? It’s about finding cures for real diseases within fiction from other universes. Now isn’t that theoretically every disease? Yes and no. We try to limit the field to certain diseases, leave some work for the other doctors.”

“Take the vampire.” Doc used his grappling hook to pull down a chart from the ceiling. The chart described the anatomy of a vampire, with an annotation at the bottom explaining that this is ONE example of a vampire.

“Vampires are very commonplace throughout the Crossroads. Hell, I have one as my nurse. But they are completely fictional in other universes! And they’re completely different physiologically in other universes! Vampires often pose just as humans, but then there’s the Nosferatu strain, which turns you into a gargoyle-like humanoid! Vampires usually burn in the sun, but there are the Cullenian vampires, which just sparkle in the sun! Which means that, when we have to treat vampires, we have to improvise based on what we know about the patient from their specific universe.”

Doc winked. “Or do we?”

“This is what you’ll be studying in this course. How folklore from other universes interact, including from this hypothetical Prime Earth, and how to use them practically when we encounter a non-standard patient.”

“Any questions?”

Half a dozen hands went up.

Now we’re talking.

 

[Dr. McNinja]

Dr. McNinja sipped his coffee thoughtfully. He was leaning against a counter in the staff break room. The break room in this building was a sparse room, its main features consisting of a fridge and a microwave. There were, of course, several empty cupboards lining the wall, as in any break room.

It had been about a week since he finally became a professor at the University of Arcadia. They had been asking for him for a while, but with the operation of his clinic in the Hinterlands, he was always too busy. It took the request of a certain friend of his for Doc to finally acquiesce.

“So, Hans,” Dr. McNinja said unhurriedly, “How’s your class going?”

[EN: McNinja fans, read the Nausicaa Incident to find out how Doc met Hans Leon!]

Dr. Hans Leon was a large humanoid, at least 8 feet tall. His fingers were thick and his legs were enormous. But for all his muscle, he was clearly a gentle giant. He had four fingers and a thumb like many humanoids, and was currently sipping his own cup of coffee in the staff break room.

Of course, the first thing to note about Hans was probably that he was a triceratops man.

Hans chuckled, his scaled fingers tapping on the coffee mug.

“I should be asking you how your class went,” Hans said, “First time teaching at the new job! How’s it feel?”

Doc took another sip of his coffee. By now, Hans knew well enough not to question quite exactly how the coffee was getting in through the mask. It wasn’t through - the mask was actually quite dry. It was somehow getting in around the mask. Who knew? Not Hans.

Dr. McNinja made a sighing noise. “It went well. Awkward start, but it’s been a while since I was in front of students. But I got through to them. Man, they actually like studying here, the dorks.”

Hans laughed. “It’s great. Arcadia truly has a culture for education.”

Doc chuckled. “It’s a good thing, you know. There’s so much to learn in the Crossroads.”

“Hear that.”

“I’m serious,” Doc insisted, “That’s why I chose to do this course. We need more curious minds thinking about how a multiverse interacts with itself. Infinite universes mean infinite variations of the same thing, and there are infinite things! It’s mind-boggling to even try and-”

Hans cut him off with a wave of the hand. “Come, McNinja, we are far too good friends to start such talk in the break room. I just want to know you don’t regret taking this job.”

McNinja sipped his coffee again. “I won’t lie, the hours are a little awkward. It’s a lot of work organizing these lectures. And the pay is, let’s say, hilarious. But…”

Doc thoughtfully tipped his head towards Hans. “No. I don’t regret it. It’s pretty fun.”

Hans Leon chuckled again, clicking his mug against Doc’s. “That’s good to hear.”

“And you? How’re you handling the new prosthesis?”

Hans gave his back a gentle twist. Mechanical whirring could be heard from within his dapper little sweater vest.

“It took some getting used to. You know the damn thing forces you to sit straight?”

Doc shrugged. “That seems like a good thing?”

“It is until you’re interrupted by it shifting you back and forth every ten minutes whenever you forget your posture,” Dr. Leon snapped.

“There’s no off-switch for that?”

“Not that I could find. But it’s perfectly comfortable otherwise. Thank you for asking.”

Doc nodded again. “I am curious, though, how’s Xenozoology?”

“Agh, same old,” Hans said, “They didn’t all get the syllabus, someone’s always playing video games and thinking they’re getting away with it, three students came in twenty minutes late-”

“Hey, same here!”

“Right?” Hans said, “It’s the life though.”

Dr. McNinja laughed. He checked his watch.

“Aw, damn, it’s my office hours soon. I should go and… do the whole professor thing.”

“Of course. It’s been a delight, Dr. McNinja.”

Doc politely tapped Hans’s shoulder as he left the break room. “Take care, Dr. Leon.”

Dr. Hans Leon watched Dr. McNinja leave, sipping his coffee.

“Damn brat gets more popular than my first day here,” he chuckled good-naturedly, before chucking the rest in the sink.

 

[Dr. McNinja]

Dr. McNinja’s office was a nice little cubby on the 2nd floor of the Halls Hall in the Arcadia Medical School. Terrible name for a hall, but there was apparently some great xenophysician who discovered the cure to chemohypocubititis named Halls. Also, he made the recipe for pretty good cough drops.

The office itself had two bookshelves, which Doc had already stocked with some of his favorite books on medicine - ranging from Dr. McCoy’s theory of chrono-displacement in genetics to Dr. Dolittle’s studies on lycanthropic neurology. All important research, but not the likes of which were suitable for students. Whatever, this was mostly set dressing anyway.

The desk was a nice, modern wooden desk with a desktop computer from the late 2000’s, which seemed egregiously ancient in a society that had flying cars and teleportation. The chair was leather and heavily cushioned, and it allowed Doc to really go leaning back. God, he half-wanted to replace his clinic chair with this one.

On the other side of this modest office was a small wooden table with three polyester chairs. This was, presumably, where Doc was supposed to meet his students.

Right. Office hours. Doc wanted to at least seem busy. He decided to check his email. But before he could make much progress, the door opened.

A fuzzy cat-lady walked in. Ah, Doc recognized her from class. She looked pretty much like what a fursona might look like. Her body was largely humanoid, except for her hands and feet, which were paws. Her entire body was covered in orange and black fur, which bristled nervously as she walked in. Thankfully, she was also wearing clothes - a simple polo shirt and ripped jeans. Despite having a clearly feline-human face, she also had hair, which was naturally orange but dyed with a streak of red. She had a red backpack slung over her shoulder.

Doc’s brow raised amicably. “Hello, hello! Come in!”

“Sorry, should have knocked,” the cat-lady said, sheepishly knocking on the door post-hoc.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Come in! What’s your name again?”

“Erm, Furnessa,” she said, sheepishly nodding.

“Nice to meet you, Furnessa,” Doc said, gesturing towards one of his chairs, “Well, I already saw you, but nice to… you know. Talk in face-to-face.”

“Heh. Yeah.” Furnessa sat down in the chair. Doc joined her.

“So. You had a question, or did you just wanna hang out?”

Furnessa shuffled uncomfortably. “Well, more of an… idea, I guess. I wanted to check with you my research topic and hopefully get a head-start?”

Doc clapped his hands together. “Agh, look at you! Love students like you. What’s your topic?”

“Lycanthropy as a sexually transmitted disease? You know, like STL semimorphosis?”

Dr. McNinja scanned Furnessa’s expression, then cocked his head back knowingly. He leaned in slightly.

“This is a little inappropriate of me to ask, but… is this personally motivated?”

After all, Furnessa had all the makings of a patient with sexually transmitted lycanthropy, particularly with semimorphosis. If a person was infected with lycanthropy sexually, there was a chance that they would stuck in between their human form and their bestial form, resulting in this hybrid fursona appearance. This was called STL semimorphosis.

Furnessa nodded. “I’ve gotten used to it, but… it’s still an important topic for me. Is it too personal?”

“No, no, sexually-transmitted lycanthropy is one of the- erm, conditions we work with here.” Doc nodded supportively. “And as long as you’re comfortable with it, I should see no problem with you making that your topic. Is this for your presentation?”

“Yes.”

“Right. Well.” Doc shrugged. “I think it might be very interesting. You can include some personal insight. Traditional lycanthropy - Prime Earth lycanthropy, that is - is very interesting as a study, because it’s one of those diseases with so many variations already. You could make your subject about semimorphosis in general - as you may know, it happens in non-STL werepeople as well. Yeah, I think you could have fun with this. As long as you keep it objective. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the condition.”

Furnessa nodded her head. She looked away slightly, then looked back at Dr. McNinja.

“Do you really think… we aren’t monsters? Or freaks?”

Doc sighed, then leaned back. “Ah. What Rorguk said.”

The physician thought about it for a while, then laughed.

“You know, I’m from a place pretty close to the Prime Earth. At least, I should think so. In the cosmology of my world, my planet was at an intersection between Prime Earth and another universe - listen, that’s not important. My point is that we didn’t even have elves or orcs or dwarves or mermen. So those people all seemed pretty monstrous to me when I first got here. But I learned something valuable.”

Doc leaned in. “A monster isn’t a thing you are, it’s a thing you do. You don’t do monstrous things, do you?”

Furnessa shrugged. “I mean, I rage out sometimes, like with the full moon and stuff.”

“No, no, that’s- okay, yes, that’s a thing you do. And yes, you sometimes hurt people, and at the moment, you’ll feel like you wanted it. But do you want to hurt people right now?”

“No.”

Doc shrugged and leaned back. “Then no. You’re not a monster. You’re a person with a condition. A dangerous one, for you and the ones around you, but you’re not a monster. And you’re not a freak either.”

Furnessa smiled politely at that. Doc knew that this wasn’t the type of thing a sentence from your professor fixed right away, but hoped it had helped nonetheless.

“So you really keep a vampire as your nurse?”

Doc nodded.

“And that’s okay with your patients?” Furnessa bit her lip. “I mean, maybe he hides it better, but I’m worried I won’t get far given how… obviously sick I am.”

Doc sighed and rubbed his chin. “I’m gonna be honest with you, Furnessa, it may be difficult for you to become a practicing physician. What with your condition.”

Furnessa nodded grimly.

“But,” Doc continued, “In this field, researchers and theorists are equally valuable. And you’re a bright young mind. It’s going to be difficult, but I think you can do it. And I’ll help you along the way.”

Furnessa nodded. The pair chatted about Furnessa’s presentation for some time.

 

[Dr. McNinja]

“Welcome, class. How was everyone’s weekend?”

Three of Doc’s students had dropped out of the class in the three weeks since they started. Whatever. Doc was experienced enough to know that was likely to happen. He had a pretty easy time not letting it get to him.

Okay, it got to him a little.

The good news was that six more students joined. Apparently, these kids were having fun! That was more important than anything else.

A couple of the students laughed in response to Doc’s joke. Surely, at that age, they had gone out drinking and gotten plastered. They were probably nursing some lovely hangovers right about now.

Doc clapped his hands. “Right, so what did we learn last week? We learned the difference between a normal disease and an esoteric disease and how to identify them. We went over the basics of traditional vampirism and discussed some variants. Today, we’re going to talk about animal curses - that is, magical conditions that turn you into animals.”

The back door opened. Doc peered at who it was. The first to enter was an Arcadian city guard, which instinctively made Doc a little jumpy. But apparently, he wasn’t under arrest. The guard was escorting…

Was that Liara T’soni?

The beautiful blue-skinned asari walked into the classroom, a notepad in hand. She waved politely at Doc, then pointed outside the classroom.

“Um… if you’ll excuse me one moment, class, something’s come up. Why don’t you uh… discuss the readings with each other while I’m gone? Or actually do the readings that you were supposed to.”

Doc said the last part with a wink, earning some more laughs. He nodded at Liara and walked out of the classroom. The asari joined him, approaching him with regal elegance.

“Ms. Liara T’soni,” Doc said, his eyes still wide, “I’m honored. Your work on xenobiology changed the way we understand the science. Also, you’re super high up in the government. I won’t lie, I’m a bit nervous. To what do I owe the pleasure…?”

“Ah, nothing to be nervous about,” Liara chuckled, “How are you finding Arcadia? I understand you’re usually situated in your clinic, in the Hinterlands.”

“A bit busy, I won’t lie,” Doc replied, “I’m a small-town boy myself, so the city’s a lot. But it’s a beautiful city.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Liara nodded, “Well, I’m here to offer you an opportunity.”

She reached into her clipboard and handed Doc a piece of paper. Doc took it and started reading. His eyebrows stayed high.

“What is this…?”

“I’m running a conference for academics that do research against the Unmaking. I thought you might want to join, given your… multiple involvements with confirmed Unmaking incidents.”

Dr. McNinja shrugged. “My involvements were largely me punching things in the face.”

“Yes, but you also conduct research that’s related to thwarting Darkseid. I read your paper on Unmade entities compared to regular undead. Interesting points were made about the psychological effects of Unmaking when inflicted upon an undead entity.”

“Omigodyoureadmypaper,” Doc stammered.

Liara chuckled again. “Well, I’m sure we’re all fascinated to hear what you have to say. Especially now that you’re an official guest lecturer at the University, rather than some swashbuckling vigilante in the Hinterlands.”

Doc rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Liara smiled, but it was more out of politeness than anything.

“Also… on a more personal note, I wanted to meet you. There are few with the skills to fight our enemy… that also understand the value of science.”

Doc nodded. “Science is important. Knowledge helps us understand our enemies, and ourselves.”

“I could not agree more,” Liara said, “I’m gathering a group of academics who feel the same, that are also proficient in… as you say, punching things in the face.”

“Omigod,” Doc said, pressing together his cheeks in excitement, “Are you inviting me to an Illuminati thing?”

“Not quite so elitist and secretive,” Liara noted, “Closer to a board of academics with combat experience to consult on Unmaking matters.”

“Omigod I’m so in.”

“Are you sure? It’s quite the responsibility-“

“I’m in I’m in I’m in!”

Liara smiled politely. “Very well. My people will contact you when I’ve gathered more scholars. Do you have any recommendations for other potential members?”

Doc thought about it for a moment.

“Have you heard of Dr. Hans Leon?”

 

[Dr. McNinja]

“So it’s like an Illuminati council of scientists who fight the Unmaking!” Dr. McNinja was telling Dr. Leon, “Super secret, super intense!”

The pair were currently in McNinja’s office, drinking more horrible instant coffee and gossiping. Dr. Leon chuckled, clearly not believing McNinja’s words.

“I still can’t believe the illustrious Liara T’soni wanted to talk to you.”

“I know! It’s crazy.”

“Are you sure you should be telling me about this?”

Doc waved his hand. “Ahh, it’s fine. I already mentioned you to her, anyway.”

“Surely I don’t deserve such a recommendation.”

“You were at Nausicaa and survived. You helped evacuate people. Who else do I know who’s that qualified?”

Dr. Hans Leon shrugged. “Well, if you insist. I’ll speak to her representatives if they ask for me.”

Dr. McNinja grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. “Alright, now get outta here. It’s my office hours again.”

“Ah, of course. I’ll speak with you again later?”

Dr. McNinja nodded and waved Hans off, who left, sipping his coffee. Dr. McNinja rubbed his hands together. Who would come in today…?

A couple minutes later, Dr. McNinja heard a knock on his door. Doc cleared his throat, then shouted, “Come in!”

Doc recognized this student. Even though he was only a guest professor, Doc was trusted with a handful of students as an advisor. This was one such student.

“Calvin Watterson, right?”

Calvin was a human. Judging by appearance, a pretty standard one. He was blonde and had the bent nose that betrayed a break early in his life. He was dressed in a red and black striped shirt and black shorts. He had his orange backpack, from which a stuffed tiger’s head could be seen.

Calvin nodded. “Can I come in?”

“Yes, yes. What can I help you with, Calvin?”

“I’m a big fan, actually,” Calvin said excitedly, stepping forward daintily.

“Ah, you’ve seen my Dante’s Abyss performance.”

Calvin gave him two big thumbs-ups. “It was rad as hell!”

“Thanks, Calvin. It was… not as fun in-person.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. I can’t believe it was Kefka who got you in the end.”

Dr. McNinja leaned in, nodding. “So what can I help you with?”

Calvin sat down, a little dejected. “Well, it’s… you know.”

Dr. McNinja nodded. He knew, of course, what this conversation was going to be about. Calvin had a bit of a reputation as a… lacking student. His assignments were often late and even outright incomplete, his attendance was poor, and when he DID attend classes he was inattentive and aloof. There was a good chance Calvin wasn’t even coming to THIS meeting voluntarily - more likely that one of his professors sent him here.

Doc cleared his throat. “Yes. Your professors and I are… rather concerned, Calvin.”

Calvin crossed his arms. “I’ll be better.”

“Mm. Except that’s not the first time we’ve heard that, eh?” Dr. McNinja remarked, leaning in again. “I think it’s high time you and I started discussing what’s really bothering you. Does the course not interest you?”

Calvin shrugged. “I’m studying to be a doctor. It makes sense.”

“Ah, I didn’t ask whether it makes sense, I asked if it interests you.”

Calvin shrugged again. “It’s fine.”

Dr. McNinja clasped his fingers together. Calvin watched him uneasily, and he started to shake his leg, pumping out a steady and silent rhythm.

“Do you have trouble focusing?”

Calvin blinked. “Uh… I guess?”

“Do you have trouble sitting still?”

“Yeah, I’m no good at it.”

“What about forgetfulness?”

“I… yeah. What’s going on?”

Dr. McNinja leaned back, nodding to himself. “I recommend you talk to a psychiatrist. I can recommend a good, cheap one.”

“Why? I’m not… you know. Stupid or whatever.”

“I’m not saying you’re stupid. Going to a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you’re stupid,” Dr. McNinja said, “It just means your brain works differently. You need help, is all.”

“Help with what?”

Dr. McNinja looked at him closely. “You seem to have ADHD.”

“What? No I don’t. What’s that?”

“It’s a… condition. It’s best explained by a kinder professional than I, but it’s what’s making it difficult for you to focus and sit still. It might explain why you’re having such a hard time in school, especially if this has been a problem since you’ve been young.”

“Oh.” Calvin leaned back, thinking hard. “Oh.”

“What’re you thinking?”

“That it explains a lot,” Calvin sighed, rubbing his eyes, “I’ve… always had trouble with school. Ever since I was young.”

“Well, if you talk to a psychiatrist, then you’ll be able to get medication and proper help.”

“I don’t need some doctor telling me to shove meds down and…” Calvin scowled. “I just don’t want it to change me.”

Dr. McNinja paused.

“You’re right. That’s a valid concern to have. But think of it this way,” Dr. McNinja finally said, “Say you have bad eyes, and a doctor prescribes you glasses. You don’t feel shame about the glasses, do you? It’s going to lead to a change in lifestyle, but ultimately you accept the help.”

Dr. McNinja rubbed his chin. “Of course, there’s always a chance it won’t help. Some people find that medication actually makes things worse. But there’s little harm in trying it out for a little while, just to see if it helps.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm. I’ve had many of my own patients feel better for having taken the medication that’s right for them. It’ll be a journey, but a worthwhile one, I hope.”

Calvin thought about it for a while. “I’ll think about it.”

“Hey, also, if you get diagnosed you can register to get extra time on exams. That’s gotta sweeten the deal.”

“Oh, that’s true.”

“Yeah.” Dr. McNinja cocked his head. “So what’s with the tiger?”

“Oh, Hobbes?” Calvin said, looking at his backpack. The mangy tiger stuffed animal seemed to poke its head out in response. “That’s a childhood toy. Good luck charm, now.”

Dr. McNinja nodded. Little odd, but he was a ninja, so it was hardly the weirdest thing in the room. The pair talked about further options for treatment for a few more minutes.

 

[Dr. McNinja]

“Welp,” Dr. McNinja said, clapping his hands, “That was my last lecture. I hope you guys all enjoyed the course. I’d gladly take any constructive criticism, you can email me or leave an anonymous note by my office - it’ll be open for another few days - yes, Gorgonoth the Undying?”

Gorgonoth the lich had their hand raised. “Will you -gasp- be teaching any -gasp- other courses?”

Dr. McNinja rubbed his chin. “I’m thinking about it. The university HAS invited me to sign on as a full-time professor… erm, that is, yes. I’m thinking about it. I’ve got my own practice, so I’m a little busy…”

To Doc’s delight, the students were devastated to hear he was leaving. It was nice to know the students appreciated him so much.

“Ah, and the new internship position has been filled, so no more applications please.”

Doc glanced at Furnessa briefly, noting her knowing grin, before turning back to the rest of the class.

“Otherwise, I’ll be available by email for a while after this. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Alright, have a good one, folks.”

After class, many of the students came up to Dr. McNinja and thanked him for the course. Two of them (Furnessa being one of them, of course) really hung out for a while, almost to Doc’s irritation if he weren’t so flattered.

It made him wonder if he should just become a professor.

…

Ah well. If he had time, he’d come back.