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Submitting Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Beatrix III and Android 17.
'Quality' Writing Submissions
- Thread starter Android XVII
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I don't generally toot my own horn, but I would like to submit my personal thread Scarlet in the Rising Moon, with Remilia Scarlet as the character
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Maybe this might be worth a thing?
Just involves Kefka, on his mad quest to get not dead.
Just involves Kefka, on his mad quest to get not dead.
Oceans of Anger
“I know what you’re going to say and I’m going to tell you again why that’s not-” This argument was going nowhere. For ten minutes, this odd man in an old timey suit kept insisting that he was dead. Him. A god. Maybe the God. Was that blasphemous? Can one god blaspheme another? He had found...
multerra.zulenka.com
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@Katsuki Bakugo @Izuku Midoriya
Here we go, friends. I would like to really super apologize for how long this took to get to.
Coming up in school, he'd quickly caught the eye of his teachers and peers alike for his aptitude. His Quirk had manifested early, and it suited him well. Bakugo could sweat nitroglycerin from his palms, and ignite it at will. In the Crossroads and in Arcadia in particular talents that set someone apart from the layman were especially valued, and his was the golden ticket in the chocolate bar raffle of life.
I didn’t know Willy Wonka was involved in this. It was unexpected, and made me laugh far harder than it probably should have.
Images of himself standing atop a heap of wreckage, people on the street pointing and screaming, and the smoldering and ruins of a collapsed gas station at his back pushed themselves to the forefront of the young Hero aspirant's mind.
...he hadn't been very subtle. As Katsuki recalled, he may or may not have been cackling madly at that moment. Details weren't totally in focus, so it was hard to tell.
And once again, I find myself laughing. And also highly amused for other reasons at just how fitting of an image this entire thing is.
“I’m sorry, Midoriya, but we have no choice but to expel the both of you.”
Izuku Midoriya blinked, and blacked out.
Ouch. I felt that one in the pit of my soul. That’s some hard-hitting and sudden-onset soul crushing right there. Damn, Midoriya.Walk it off, you ninny.
I didn’t know Willy Wonka was involved in this. It was unexpected, and made me laugh far harder than it probably should have.
Images of himself standing atop a heap of wreckage, people on the street pointing and screaming, and the smoldering and ruins of a collapsed gas station at his back pushed themselves to the forefront of the young Hero aspirant's mind.
...he hadn't been very subtle. As Katsuki recalled, he may or may not have been cackling madly at that moment. Details weren't totally in focus, so it was hard to tell.
And once again, I find myself laughing. And also highly amused for other reasons at just how fitting of an image this entire thing is.
“I’m sorry, Midoriya, but we have no choice but to expel the both of you.”
Izuku Midoriya blinked, and blacked out.
Ouch. I felt that one in the pit of my soul. That’s some hard-hitting and sudden-onset soul crushing right there. Damn, Midoriya.
Count: 4,811 words [Bakugo: 2,144 // Izuku: 2,660 ]
(Aside Note: I double, triple, and even quadruple checked these numbers. They don’t add up
for some reason, and I have no idea why.)
(Aside Note: I double, triple, and even quadruple checked these numbers. They don’t add up
for some reason, and I have no idea why.)
Grading
(For quick reference and ease: I’ve combined the scores below into a single judgement number for the both of you together, as they were already so close together across the board anyway.)Description & Clarity: 6
On the whole, this one didn’t really have a particular failing point anywhere. The description that you both had present was good and impeccable. But it was just the lack of it, and I had a hard time picturing or imagining what was where in relation to what, if that makes any sense. Your clarity and general cohesiveness was on point and there weren’t any issues, but it felt like a lot of stuff was kind of glossed over or just never mentioned. I couldn’t really tell much about anything as far as where it was taking place, and I have to confess it took me a good while to realize even when it was taking place. Far from being bad, by any means at all, but not quite perfect.Technical: 8
A strong category all around. The only nitpicks I have here are the very occasional bit of errant punctuation, sentence structure flubs, missing spaces and whatnot. It was absolutely nothing that detracted from readability, but just tiny little things that stick out all the more for how otherwise well-constructed and written everything was. All I can suggest is that you go back over your writing with a fine-tooth comb, maybe every few sentences or every paragraph or two, to pick up on and catch such tiny things.Characterization: 8
Both of you have a very good handle on your characters here. Even out of character writing and narration is flavored and colored by the characters themselves and it lends a very distinct flavor to everything you both wrote here. It felt like this could have been a scene lifted from the series directly, in some hellish alternate timeline where expulsion happened, as I feel you just did so good with portraying these two dorks already. I have nothing really to say regarding improvement, beyond “keep doing what you’re doing, and settle into writing these goobers to get better at it”.Story: 7
This one suffered a little just because of how short this thread was. Just not terribly much time for things to happen, or a real story to be told, if you get me. That said, however, you used what time you did have in the four posts written here to really deliver some meaningful impact. I would’ve really liked to see the actual goings-on and chaos of the events at the gas station, rather than just the few snippets we got in the flashbacks and thinking on the outcome of it all. Not having that extra substance does hurt a little, but also leaves the big burning questions: “What did happen there? How did Bakugo wind up destroying the place (beyond being, y’know, being Bakugo)? What was Izuku doing during that chaos?” Being able to completely skip over an event like that, but still making people care enough or be interested enough to wonder about it, is a very good thing.Voice: 8
I touched on this in the characterization section a bit, but you both have a very well-defined voice and method of writing. It blends with the characters, and on top of actions and dialogue it lends a very unique flavor and flow to things. Both of your writing was unmistakable and distinct from each other, and I didn’t need to even so much as glance at the sidebar or postbit or anything to remind myself “Wait, who’s post am I reading?”. (I sometimes have to do this very regularly when reading threads with multiple people, my brain is just that scattered.) I can’t really offer advice on anything specific in regards to improvement, beyond just telling you to keep on keeping on and settle in what what you got started here.Bonus Tier: Tier 1
Reward: You each earn one custom trinket, which I’ve designed for you, as listed below!
Incendiary Burst (950)
Damage 3 (300)
-- Affects Multiple 1(150)
Protection 5 (500)
-- Affects Multiple 1 (250)
-- Limited (Only against projectiles) (-250)
A strange gift from a mysterious linterloping admirer who took a shine to the deranged antics Bakugo displayed at the gas station, slipped to him through strange and possibly nefarious means. Eerily enough, it was already perfectly matched and fitted to work with his hero costume's grenade-like gauntlets: A vial set to release a mixture of gasoline and various other accelerants to mix with the nitroglycerin the hothead already secrets to expel a huge wall of flaming force. It doesn't reach much further than a short lunging punch, but does spread out to an abnormally large extent. Anyone in its range is sure to get a serious torching, and the heat of the short-lived flames can even incinerate and melt down projectile attacks and severely blunt their impact.
Damage 3 (300)
-- Affects Multiple 1(150)
Protection 5 (500)
-- Affects Multiple 1 (250)
-- Limited (Only against projectiles) (-250)
A strange gift from a mysterious linterloping admirer who took a shine to the deranged antics Bakugo displayed at the gas station, slipped to him through strange and possibly nefarious means. Eerily enough, it was already perfectly matched and fitted to work with his hero costume's grenade-like gauntlets: A vial set to release a mixture of gasoline and various other accelerants to mix with the nitroglycerin the hothead already secrets to expel a huge wall of flaming force. It doesn't reach much further than a short lunging punch, but does spread out to an abnormally large extent. Anyone in its range is sure to get a serious torching, and the heat of the short-lived flames can even incinerate and melt down projectile attacks and severely blunt their impact.
Vitalizer Serum (950)
Adaptaion: Immune to Pain (200)
-- Finite (-50)
-- Activation (-50)
-- Side Effect (-50)
Damage 6 (600)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
Move Object 6 (600)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
Speed 6 (1200)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
A mysterious item, shipped to Izuku by mysterious means one day, accompanied by a note. It's been a little smudged and hard to read completely...but it seems to come from some kind of fan? Or someone who thinks they can help. It's got a long rant about how injuring oneself is a tough thing to handle, but being able to ignore the pain can let you push through better, and access some extra strength you didn't know you had! ...if you don't mind it tearing you apart worse than normal. Or something like that. It's hard to get all the specifics, but it seems like they're trying to be helpful, whoever they are.
This is a vial of faintly-glowing blue liquid medicine of some kind. After about 20 seconds when it kicks in, it'll give you a serious physical boost, but you won't even realize all the injury and damage you rack up while your performance is amped up until the effects start to wear off about ten minutes later. Prepare for the sudden onset of all that self-inflicted damage to hit all at once, and try not to go into shock!
Adaptaion: Immune to Pain (200)
-- Finite (-50)
-- Activation (-50)
-- Side Effect (-50)
Damage 6 (600)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
Move Object 6 (600)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
Speed 6 (1200)
-- Finite (-300)
-- Activation (-300)
-- Side Effect (-300)
A mysterious item, shipped to Izuku by mysterious means one day, accompanied by a note. It's been a little smudged and hard to read completely...but it seems to come from some kind of fan? Or someone who thinks they can help. It's got a long rant about how injuring oneself is a tough thing to handle, but being able to ignore the pain can let you push through better, and access some extra strength you didn't know you had! ...if you don't mind it tearing you apart worse than normal. Or something like that. It's hard to get all the specifics, but it seems like they're trying to be helpful, whoever they are.
This is a vial of faintly-glowing blue liquid medicine of some kind. After about 20 seconds when it kicks in, it'll give you a serious physical boost, but you won't even realize all the injury and damage you rack up while your performance is amped up until the effects start to wear off about ten minutes later. Prepare for the sudden onset of all that self-inflicted damage to hit all at once, and try not to go into shock!
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@Jak Sorry this took so long!!
But then again, when you've come from a goofy world which included a prison within a prison twice, chewed up, thrown out, banished and everything else, nothing else seemed new to you.
I laughed aloud at this. Never has the 'Old Place' ever been so succinctly described.
Once again, Jak found himself in the rush hour of Erda Nova’s downtown traffic jams. The eco warrior scratched his head. This was going to make for a very long day.
One ship and one car slipped in between the traffic and it made the eco warriors day worse.
I just, like... the idea of Jak Mar, Dynamite Kid, being stuck in traffic is so charming to me. Also, the simple, matter-of-fact way that you wrote these sentences really captures the monotonous existence Jak got trapped in, destined to be livened up by his pal and Dante's Abyss. It made me want him to find a way out!
Jak turned and sighed “Well at least can I get a refund on my ticket?”
The manager closed up the window and pointed to the sign on the window “Sorry no refunds.”
Jak muttered “Damn it. What a waste.”
Once again, I died laughing at this. Poor Jak. GET HIM OUT!
I laughed aloud at this. Never has the 'Old Place' ever been so succinctly described.
Once again, Jak found himself in the rush hour of Erda Nova’s downtown traffic jams. The eco warrior scratched his head. This was going to make for a very long day.
One ship and one car slipped in between the traffic and it made the eco warriors day worse.
I just, like... the idea of Jak Mar, Dynamite Kid, being stuck in traffic is so charming to me. Also, the simple, matter-of-fact way that you wrote these sentences really captures the monotonous existence Jak got trapped in, destined to be livened up by his pal and Dante's Abyss. It made me want him to find a way out!
Jak turned and sighed “Well at least can I get a refund on my ticket?”
The manager closed up the window and pointed to the sign on the window “Sorry no refunds.”
Jak muttered “Damn it. What a waste.”
Once again, I died laughing at this. Poor Jak. GET HIM OUT!
Word Count: 5,003
Grading
Description & Clarity: 4
I never have a problem understanding what's going on in this thread. I've played the original three Jak games, so I'm sorta familiar with his character, and I think you capture it pretty well. He's a simple boy with simple origins thrown into a complicated story, and the Jak you've been writing for years is cut from the same cloth. If there's anything that brought this score down, I'd say it's just that you can spend more time on this; you give me what I need to see the scene, but description has the ability to really give us info about who the character is, right? Like -- yes, I know that we're in a spacious living room with lots of furniture, but what does Jak think is important enough to notice? Does he love the rustic smell of the candles that have been lit? Is he particularly fascinated by the comfortable upholstery of the couch? Does the antique chandelier send shivers up his spine because it's so creepy? I think there's room for more stuff here!
Technical: 3
Generally speaking, we've spoken about this before and this is an earlier thread of yours so I won't spend too long on this because the improvement you've shown even since this was posted is astounding, but I would encourage you to keep working on this! Sentence structure in general, and just making sure you're finding the right place to extend sentences and the right place to end them before they get too long, is a big thing. Also make sure you do a quick sweep over all your posts at the end for punctuation and capitalization just to make sure nothing's missing or there that shouldn't be!
(Also, just a staff note: make sure to track your word count in [ QUOTE ] tags, just so those don't give you Essence!)
Characterization: 4
Like I said, you do a great job of capturing the simplicity of the way Jak views the world, but I wanted to note in this category that sometimes that makes Jak the least interesting person on the page of your stories. I don't mean that in a bad way -- I'm still super on Jak's side -- I just mean that it seems like you spend a lot of time putting a lot of work into making your side characters, like the bartenders and the ticket seller, etc, very distinct, and I think you can spend some more time delving into Jak in that way and giving us a little bit more insight into the way he ticks. This is especially evident when you've got him walking around with Daxter, Light, and Dark, as they all have pretty distinct personalities and Jak himself can get lost in the shuffle. I thought to myself when Daxter showed up that it seemed at times like you were having more fun writing Daxter than Jak, haha -- and I know you love Jak! Give him some love!
Story: 5
The story's simple, which comes with the territory, as the quest was simple, but I did like that it had a pretty cohesive arc at the end of the day. Jak finding himself in this new world -- getting lost in the boring monotony of it -- and then, finally, after months, finding Daxter and Dante's Abyss and getting the catalyst he needs to become the Jak we know and love. It's not incredibly complex and is mostly just the beginning of a bigger story at the end of the day, which is why this is a 5, but you executed it well!
Voice: 4
Like I said above, I can tell when you're having more fun with your characters, and that really started to shine a little ways into the quest. I really encourage you to take the voice and fervor you write some of these supporting characters with and put it behind giving Jak a little bit of a push, because I think that'll knock this category right up in points.
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered
Reward:
- A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something.
- A potential follow-up prompt for your story:
So Jak entered Dante's Abyss, and got FIFTH PLACE! The big newspapers in Arcadia are begging you to do an interview and a photoshoot with them, and please, for the love of the Arbiter, bring your CUTE CAT with you!
But be careful... rumors are going around that there's a mob looking to take some revenge against one of the papers for a sour story they wrote that got a bunch of their members arrested... watch out!
(This is simply a potential prompt; you can use it or not, I won’t be offended!)
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Here I am. Back at it again. Submitting my thread Sunset for some reviewin'. Contains only Altanis, along with a smattering of NPCs. Assorted chaos abounds, I am bad at writing tense/emotional moments so I fully expect this to be hot garbage.
Forewarning: tags are there for a reason, even if i'm a dork and didn't get descriptive enough or whatever for them to be warranted. But, Y'KNOW better safe than sorry for this stuff.
Forewarning: tags are there for a reason, even if i'm a dork and didn't get descriptive enough or whatever for them to be warranted. But, Y'KNOW better safe than sorry for this stuff.
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@Ashe-0 I am so sorry for the delay on this! (a running theme atm)
She had registered the flash of lightning, and heard -- felt, more than anything -- the impact of it. The horrible crackling, sparking and whining of metal being overloaded, and her internal diagnostic sensors going absolutely haywire. Systems were shorting out and rebooting in complete chaos. Her own awareness had been fragmentary, and she had barely registered the worrying notice of a warning of emergency spatial translocation systems having been activated. Then everything had simply turned into an all-consuming blaze of blue-white light and static electricity.
Your word choice here (and in general) is just absolutely stunning. You've somehow found a way to match beautiful description with the sort of cybernetic attitude Ashe-0 approaches every situation with, and this is potentially one of the best examples of that. I wouldn't normally think that "the horrible crackling, sparking, and whining..." could so easily be jammed into the same sentence as "internal diagnostic sensors" but you excelled at it.
If she had a stomach, she was sure she would have emptied its contents all over the floor by now, from her growing worries and stress.
One of the most interesting things about Ashe-0 is her slow and steady creep towards being more "human." Her grappling with her increased similarity to the organics around her in ways like this are always the most intriguing moments of your plot.
....and then it happened. She felt it first, before anything else: the feeling of something jagged and sharp suddenly clamping down around her midsection, still lodged in the doorway. She was stunned and surprised, caught on her side and unable to easily shift to look at it. It felt...off. There was nothing there but the wood and iron nails of the doorframe, and yet what was applying pressure to her midsection felt disturbingly like teeth. Like a mouth full of razor sharp, jagged predator's teeth. Biting down, grinding and tearing as if to simply shear through her entire body.
Immediately, warning and notifications of surface damage and abrasions began flashing across her internal readouts. She didn't feel pain, which she was suddenly immensely thankful for, but this...this was still a terribly unsettling experience.
The whole section where Ashe-0 is being basically destroyed is an example of fantastic description. Action scenes and violence like that are not an easy thing to muster, at least for me, and you accomplish it in a great way that fits the super interesting tone of this particular piece.
Your word choice here (and in general) is just absolutely stunning. You've somehow found a way to match beautiful description with the sort of cybernetic attitude Ashe-0 approaches every situation with, and this is potentially one of the best examples of that. I wouldn't normally think that "the horrible crackling, sparking, and whining..." could so easily be jammed into the same sentence as "internal diagnostic sensors" but you excelled at it.
If she had a stomach, she was sure she would have emptied its contents all over the floor by now, from her growing worries and stress.
One of the most interesting things about Ashe-0 is her slow and steady creep towards being more "human." Her grappling with her increased similarity to the organics around her in ways like this are always the most intriguing moments of your plot.
....and then it happened. She felt it first, before anything else: the feeling of something jagged and sharp suddenly clamping down around her midsection, still lodged in the doorway. She was stunned and surprised, caught on her side and unable to easily shift to look at it. It felt...off. There was nothing there but the wood and iron nails of the doorframe, and yet what was applying pressure to her midsection felt disturbingly like teeth. Like a mouth full of razor sharp, jagged predator's teeth. Biting down, grinding and tearing as if to simply shear through her entire body.
Immediately, warning and notifications of surface damage and abrasions began flashing across her internal readouts. She didn't feel pain, which she was suddenly immensely thankful for, but this...this was still a terribly unsettling experience.
The whole section where Ashe-0 is being basically destroyed is an example of fantastic description. Action scenes and violence like that are not an easy thing to muster, at least for me, and you accomplish it in a great way that fits the super interesting tone of this particular piece.
Word Count: 6,684
Grading
Description & Clarity: 8
I'm a fucking *fan* of this thread. It's vivid, and terrifying, and hella scary, and most of that is owed to your talent for description. Your word choice is, by and large, excellent, as I noted above, and it makes it so that I was able to really imagine this ghost ship. Which is wild, because, like Ashe-0, I felt like the ship was changing constantly in what I assume was an intentional way. It's weird how you described it so well that I felt like I knew what everything looked like but felt like I couldn't... trust my own interpretation of it?
Technical: 7
For the most part, this is perfectly fine. There are some typos here and there that I would watch out for, and some of the sentences can run a bit long. That's sorta natural I think with a character like Ashe who is so analytical, or at least so... Ashe, but I think you can still watch out for it a little bit (the long sentences). And yeah, I'd just do a sweep before posting for any typos! I'm guilty of choosing not to do that myself, just bc I don't feel like it, lol, but yeah, I think that could push this over the edge.
Characterization: 7
Ashe-0 is a fantastic character. She's so interesting, which is wild because at first glance you might not think so -- what with her being a very dry robot and all -- but the evolution of her AI and her humanity growing in is such a fascinating thing to read and watch. A lot of the effectiveness of this characterization has to do with your writing voice as her, which I'll touch on a bit more later, but yeah. Basically the only reason this is a 7 and not an 8 is because I'm not sure I believe even a character like Ashe-0 would talk aloud to herself quite that much. Maybe that's just personal preference, but it seemed at moments like a little bit of a crutch and I think I would've rather seen that stuff more integrated into her thoughts and introspections. Characters talking to themselves out loud unless they're, like, insane is a big thing of mine, lol.
Story: 7
Nidhogg is a great story, if a bit short!! I feel like I wanted... so much more that it actually ended up being slightly detrimental, but what I got, I absolutely loved. The stuff you've got of Ashe-0 learning the ship and solving the mystery is so interesting, but then she dies and I was like! What are these other things! No questions are answered! Who's this creepy pirate captain! I know you have plans to do more with that character and this setting, but I was like... this is almost leaving me TOO unsatisfied! That being said, it is still one of my favorite closed stories I've read in Multerra bc fuck, you know how to get across a real spooky vibe. We should read this thread aloud for Halloween. Hm. Maybe I'll try and throw that together.
Voice: 9
Your voice for Ashe-0 is maybe the closest to perfect anyone on this site has gotten to having a proper 'writing voice' for your character. As someone who tries really hard to instill my main boy's words with a 'voice,' I really, really admire the way everything you're writing sounds like Ashe-0, but also at the same time reads like a beautifully written story with fantastic description and clarity. It's a tough balance and I think you strike it almost exactly.
Bonus Tier: Tier 2 (Congrats!)
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LAURA KINNEY
- ”The settlement itself was bustling, the low thrum of crowds of people talking amongst themselves, distant vehicles and the echoing music of clunky 8-bit soundtracks all served to render the mutant irritated; afterall, she was a stark contrast to the candy colored architecture, clad in black leathers and appearing as moody as ever. She whipped about on her heels, practically snarling at nothing in particular as her own, infuriating soundtrack began emanating around her. She’d gotten used to the city itself over her month-long stay, but the music was another story. She didn’t recognise the tune, nor did she enjoy the melody”.
I freakin’ loved this. It created a perfect picture in my mind of Laura’s whole attitude and really set the scene for the beginning of the thread. Well done, and what a goshdang funny music choice!
- ”The mutant recoiled a bit as she was approached by a little, true to the city’s name, 8-Bit creature with a yellow exclamation mark floating over its pixelated head. Clunky, vaguely resembling a humanoid and with the most high pitched, whiny voice she’d been forced to endure, it called out to her a few times.”
What a great introduction for this character. Mad props, you’ve nailed exactly how we wanted this settlement’s denizens to be.
- “‘That’s awesome! Anyways, look, you really helped me out. I got another favour to ask, though.. See, you got Quizal and his lot to back off, right? That’s great. Really great.. But his boss ain’t too happy now, you know?’
‘Right? Well, you tell ‘em to come see me and we’ll put things straight.’
‘Yeah, yeah, that’s amazing, really! I told him that, though. And, well-’ Azol cut himself off, his features shifting into what Laura assumed to be a grimace.
‘And what, Azol?’ The creature recoiled a bit.
‘He uh, kinda smashed up my shop a bit. A lot. He smashed up my shop a tonne. Like, it’s barely a shop anymore.’ Azol chuckled, perhaps forcefully.”
I also really loved this exchange between Azol and Laura. You write really snappy, quick dialogue and it’s freaking awesome!
- “‘Maybe.. If I was a shorter.. Wider yet ruggedly handsome Italian Plumber things would go down a little easier. He is Italian, right? Or Japanese?’”
This cracked me up. Lmfao.
I freakin’ loved this. It created a perfect picture in my mind of Laura’s whole attitude and really set the scene for the beginning of the thread. Well done, and what a goshdang funny music choice!
- ”The mutant recoiled a bit as she was approached by a little, true to the city’s name, 8-Bit creature with a yellow exclamation mark floating over its pixelated head. Clunky, vaguely resembling a humanoid and with the most high pitched, whiny voice she’d been forced to endure, it called out to her a few times.”
What a great introduction for this character. Mad props, you’ve nailed exactly how we wanted this settlement’s denizens to be.
- “‘That’s awesome! Anyways, look, you really helped me out. I got another favour to ask, though.. See, you got Quizal and his lot to back off, right? That’s great. Really great.. But his boss ain’t too happy now, you know?’
‘Right? Well, you tell ‘em to come see me and we’ll put things straight.’
‘Yeah, yeah, that’s amazing, really! I told him that, though. And, well-’ Azol cut himself off, his features shifting into what Laura assumed to be a grimace.
‘And what, Azol?’ The creature recoiled a bit.
‘He uh, kinda smashed up my shop a bit. A lot. He smashed up my shop a tonne. Like, it’s barely a shop anymore.’ Azol chuckled, perhaps forcefully.”
I also really loved this exchange between Azol and Laura. You write really snappy, quick dialogue and it’s freaking awesome!
- “‘Maybe.. If I was a shorter.. Wider yet ruggedly handsome Italian Plumber things would go down a little easier. He is Italian, right? Or Japanese?’”
This cracked me up. Lmfao.
Word Count: 3,930 words
Grading:
Description & Clarity: 6
I think you have a good balance between description and action in your posts. In general, I will say that I did want to see a little more time spent on describing what the setting was like, but overall, you touched on the setting just enough that I had a good idea of where your character was and what was going on.
One thing I will note on clarity is that unless the dialogue you write belongs to whoever is being mentioned in the sentence beside it, you should separate them. Let’s look at an example:
If I’m understanding correctly, the mook didn’t say that dialogue. Laura did! So, the sentence mentioning the mook should have been in its own paragraph, separated from Laura’s dialogue.
Overall, great descriptions of setting and body language, albeit a little limited. Just spend a tiny bit more time on these and you should be good to go!
Technical: 6
One thing to note particularly: you used semicolons a lot, sometimes even back-to-back! For example: “She cut a deep swathe through the crowds as she walked, most of the locals giving her a wide berth; others were ignorant of who she was. Not that she particularly cared either way; she had neither the time nor the energy to garner a positive relationship with every citizen of 8-Bitain.” I’d try to limit your use of these, leaving like at least a few sentences between one use of a semicolon and the next.
In general though, your technical writing ability is good. A few punctuation or capitalization errors here and there, and there were a few times where you probably could’ve started a new paragraph to improve clarity. Here’s what I mean:
Original Paragraph:
One way to separate it into more easily understandable chunks:
See what I mean? In general, you should start a new paragraph every time the time, place, topic, or person being talked about changes!
Characterization: 8
Your dialogue really shaped your characters here. I loved how you wrote Laura interacting with that first spritely NPC, it was great to see how a relatively “normal” character interacts with the logic-defying citizens of 8-Bitain. It was pretty goshdang funny and even adorbs to imagine. Like, Laura’s continuous frustration with this video game shiz was humorous as heck. I hope you consider sticking with this character, because this part of writing on Nos’Talgia was something that I personally REALLY struggled with, especially with characters that aren’t necessarily cartoons.
That being said, it would have been nice to have a bit more of a reaction from Azol after Laura stamped her foot at him in your first post! Instead, you only wrote a line of dialogue from him. A brief mention of “Azol flinched at that” would have been really helpful and elevated how real your characters appear!
I also think that there were other moments where you could have spent more time elaborating on how your character felt and the body language of the other characters around her. There was at least one instance where you wrote that your character felt hesitant to do something, but you immediately had her perform the action in the next sentence. A good way to really drive home that your character felt unsure would be to say something like, “She reached for the door handle, fingers brushing lightly against it, but stopped at the last second. Was she really going to just walk in, totally unprepared for what lay on the other side of the door? Laura stared at the square handle, a numb sort of feeling settling over her brain. She’d felt like this before, and it always seemed to happen whenever she was about to walk into a trap…
Nah. Laura shook her head, grimacing to herself. She wasn’t a coward. With a click, the door swung open and she crossed the threshold, greeted by a musky haze that wafted throughout the interior...”
That’s just a general idea, but you can see how writing something a bit more introspective gives your reader kind of a mental “pause” on the action of the scene. Plus, it provides some handy insight into your character. Remember, we want to know what your character thinks! We aren’t rushing to be done with them!
Story: 8
I was hooked immediately by how you began this thread, your character was a perfect starting point for this group writing effort with her whole “fish out of water” deal. Your descriptions of Laura’s navigation of the city and previous interactions with the citizens really helped to set the plot of track.
Voice: 9
Your writerly voice is very direct and to the point. You’re not super description heavy, diving between one character action and the next, and despite Laura’s moody (and sometimes violent) behavior, I would describe your tone as… light and airy, often sprinkled with good humor. I think your voice really suited the story you were trying to tell.
Bonus Tier: Tier 1
Reward: You have earned a Tier 1 Trinket valued at 1000 Coin! Here it is:
Super Star Ring
Adaptation: Space (300)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Radioactive Environments (50)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Chemical or Toxic Environments (50)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Falling (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Incredible Heat Environments (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Incredible Cold Environments (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Total Value: 1000 Coin
A solid gold ring with a funny little star in place of a gemstone. It doesn’t seem that special at a glance, but when worn, it protects the user from a variety of environmental hazards, including: incredible cold and hot weather, falling, chemical or toxic environments, radioactivity, and SPACE. When active, the ring will wildly flash with all the colors of the rainbow. The ring can be removed by the wearer or forcibly removed.
Adaptation: Space (300)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Radioactive Environments (50)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Chemical or Toxic Environments (50)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Falling (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Incredible Heat Environments (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Incredible Cold Environments (100)
--Ongoing (100)
--Removable (-50)
Total Value: 1000 Coin
A solid gold ring with a funny little star in place of a gemstone. It doesn’t seem that special at a glance, but when worn, it protects the user from a variety of environmental hazards, including: incredible cold and hot weather, falling, chemical or toxic environments, radioactivity, and SPACE. When active, the ring will wildly flash with all the colors of the rainbow. The ring can be removed by the wearer or forcibly removed.
STAR-LORD
- ”With the gateway opened, sunlight pierced the darkness within the lair. Jargo's square eyes squinted as they adjusted to the brightness. In the doorway stood the red leather jacket wearing guardian in full HD, RTX enabled. With wavy hair directed to the back, a scruffy beard and two quad blasters on his side. "Welcome back Sssstar-Lord." The reptilian lisped with a grin.”
The full HD, RTX enabled got me. Oh my gosh lol. Great description, too!
- “Quill entered the cockpit, checking if the autopilot was still on course. A few tabs on the screen settled the pilot's mind, everything seemed to be in order. "I told you you could always count on me darling~" Peter's impeccable cover got interrupted by what appeared to be a dark-blue cloud, centered with a pitchblack orb, enhanced with thunderflashes within. With one hand on his towel, the other one reaching for his helmet and gun, he prepared for what was to come.”
The ‘singing in the shower’ scene here was funny as heck! I liked this part especially, because Peter’s just like ‘ah shit, here we go again.’
- “Who is she? How does she know my name? What's going on? Peter's thoughts were all over the place as he rushed towards the pilot's seat. Warning lights colored the area red. Through the glass something resembling a wormhole was pulling the ship in. "Oh fuck this, hell no." With both hands firmly grasping the duo sticks the pilot attempted to steer away from the dark entity. "Peter what the hell is going on, what the fuck is that!" the new passenger shouted near his ear.”
I really felt the urgency here, excellent work describing Peter’s quick reactions to whacky shiz.
- “Laura turned her head to him and back to the surface "Peter….your towel." Came out in the exact same, cold, unaffected tone of voice. Quill peeked down and noticed the cloth was missing,"Oh shit.." Like a magician he vanished—as fast as possible he dove towards what was left of his bunk.”
Oh my god. How embarrassing for Peter! I love all this humor you inject into your posts, it’s super fun to read.
- “Peter's eyes portrayed nothing but innocence, "Hurt….I am actually hurt you'd even think i would even consider insulting Big Nalto." A hand was placed on his chest, emphasizing his words. Jargo responded with a slight glare. Star Lord, like Laura, also had a reputation around these parts. Just of a different origin.”
You’ve just absolutely nailed Peter’s character in your posts. I love it.
- “Bright office lights switched on, revealing the entire room. Expensive paintings were displayed on the cream white walls. In the centre a huge desk filled most of the room, behind it sat a mole, barely two pints high, "My eyes!!!" Nalto screamed as his little claws scoured the desk until he found a round glassed pair of sunglasses and put them on. He saw Peter near the lightswitch with a dumbfounded expression on his face, "It was kind of dark in here. Thought i'd turn on the lights." He said pointing at the switch.”
This genuinely made me laugh out loud. Freakin’ superb writing, dude.
- “"Please, she has never let me down. Treat your ship well and it treats you well. It's common space knowledge. ot that you'd have space knowledge. But hey, be nice and I will add a nice scratching pole for you."
Your dialogue for Peter is flawless. So freakin’ witty. Excellent work!
- “"Shut uuuuuuuup Laura~." Star-Lord sang through the teeth of his forced grin.”
I lost it. Oh my god, lol. This whole scene was great.
The full HD, RTX enabled got me. Oh my gosh lol. Great description, too!
- “Quill entered the cockpit, checking if the autopilot was still on course. A few tabs on the screen settled the pilot's mind, everything seemed to be in order. "I told you you could always count on me darling~" Peter's impeccable cover got interrupted by what appeared to be a dark-blue cloud, centered with a pitchblack orb, enhanced with thunderflashes within. With one hand on his towel, the other one reaching for his helmet and gun, he prepared for what was to come.”
The ‘singing in the shower’ scene here was funny as heck! I liked this part especially, because Peter’s just like ‘ah shit, here we go again.’
- “Who is she? How does she know my name? What's going on? Peter's thoughts were all over the place as he rushed towards the pilot's seat. Warning lights colored the area red. Through the glass something resembling a wormhole was pulling the ship in. "Oh fuck this, hell no." With both hands firmly grasping the duo sticks the pilot attempted to steer away from the dark entity. "Peter what the hell is going on, what the fuck is that!" the new passenger shouted near his ear.”
I really felt the urgency here, excellent work describing Peter’s quick reactions to whacky shiz.
- “Laura turned her head to him and back to the surface "Peter….your towel." Came out in the exact same, cold, unaffected tone of voice. Quill peeked down and noticed the cloth was missing,"Oh shit.." Like a magician he vanished—as fast as possible he dove towards what was left of his bunk.”
Oh my god. How embarrassing for Peter! I love all this humor you inject into your posts, it’s super fun to read.
- “Peter's eyes portrayed nothing but innocence, "Hurt….I am actually hurt you'd even think i would even consider insulting Big Nalto." A hand was placed on his chest, emphasizing his words. Jargo responded with a slight glare. Star Lord, like Laura, also had a reputation around these parts. Just of a different origin.”
You’ve just absolutely nailed Peter’s character in your posts. I love it.
- “Bright office lights switched on, revealing the entire room. Expensive paintings were displayed on the cream white walls. In the centre a huge desk filled most of the room, behind it sat a mole, barely two pints high, "My eyes!!!" Nalto screamed as his little claws scoured the desk until he found a round glassed pair of sunglasses and put them on. He saw Peter near the lightswitch with a dumbfounded expression on his face, "It was kind of dark in here. Thought i'd turn on the lights." He said pointing at the switch.”
This genuinely made me laugh out loud. Freakin’ superb writing, dude.
- “"Please, she has never let me down. Treat your ship well and it treats you well. It's common space knowledge. ot that you'd have space knowledge. But hey, be nice and I will add a nice scratching pole for you."
Your dialogue for Peter is flawless. So freakin’ witty. Excellent work!
- “"Shut uuuuuuuup Laura~." Star-Lord sang through the teeth of his forced grin.”
I lost it. Oh my god, lol. This whole scene was great.
Word Count: 3,663 words
Grading:
Description & Clarity: 4
Overall, I really appreciated how fast-paced your descriptions were and the little snapshots you provided into Peter’s new life on Nos’Talgia. The little details you added about the various video game-y aspects of 8-Bitain were spot on and fun to read, so kudos for that!
Other than that, your descriptions of what was going on became a little confusing at times, occasionally running together. Just make sure that you don’t have two lines of dialogue from two different characters in the same paragraph and that will help your writing a lot!
Also, your descriptions in general were very straightforward. I think you could afford to dip your feet into some purple prose every once in a while, just to really push your scenes beyond how quick and snappy they already are. Here’s one place where I thought you could have spent more time describing things:
Now, the above quote is perfectly understandable and the descriptions are not bad! Still, you could make some changes to elevate the scene! Here’s what I would do:
What I did was I spent more time describing the kind of darkness. Specifically, I mentioned how the speaker was hidden in the shadows and described how hearing a voice coming from inside a big dark room makes it hard to tell where the speaker is. Rather than just saying that the voice echoed, I mentioned how the echoes seemed to bounce off the walls. This adds another element of uncertainty to the scene.
Another thing I did was mention that the voice “chuckled.” This is a simple change, but it contributes to the tone of the speaker that we can’t get from your dialogue alone. You could put ANY word there and it would help give some life to this character. How would you describe how this character talks? Their voice is deep and ominous, yes, but how does this speaker feel? Are they mocking Quill? Having a chuckle at his expense? Simply trying to appear intimidating? It’s all your choice!
Finally, I also added more to your “It remained quiet for a while” statement. I just felt that there needed to be more time where this speaker waited for Quill to respond. Of course, this is not required, but by actually making the reader wait a while for Quill’s answer alongside this other character, it adds a lot to the scene. The reader has to read those two sentences, they’re wondering, “okay, why didn’t we get some mention of Quill right away?” It's a little trick to simulate the same effect you’re going for in this scene.
Technical: 4
Your writing could use some work in this area! You had quite a few spelling and grammar issues, and occasionally forgot to leave spaces between your paragraphs. No worries though, just slow down next time and re-read over your post to check for that stuff. You could even ask a friend to help you out, I know I wouldn’t mind receiving a message.
Also, remember to start a new paragraph every time the time, place, topic, or person being talked about changes! For example:
You needed to put a space when a new character performed an action, specifically when Laura stepped forward. This would have helped separate Peter’s dialogue from Nalto’s. Here’s what I recommend doing in the future:
See? Much easier to read, plus now you’ve got some spicy paragraph variety! It’s a win-win-win!
What I would recommend for learning about this is just reading more! Read books you like in English and really pay attention to how a scene you enjoy is split up. Pay special attention to how each character seems to take turns to perform an action or say something and try to imitate that in your writing.
Characterization: 8
You really nailed how you write Peter in your posts. The sly humor, the feigned innocence, the ability to snap into action the second shit hits the fan… well done. You also did really well with integrating other characters into your story-- I especially liked the rapport between Peter and Jargo, the pranks and little jokes between them were super entertaining.
I do think you could have spent a bit more time on certain things, such as giving Peter more introspective moments. You put a lot of thought into your writing and Peter is clearly a man of action, but sometimes, it would be really great to hear more about what he’s thinking, how he feels about things. Maybe he misses something about his past universe, maybe he’s just comparing the weirdness of 8-Bitain to what he remembers of his reality. Just give us some little snapshots into who he is and how he is coping in this strange new world!
Story: 6
I could tell you put a lot of thought into Peter’s backstory for how he came to be in the Crossroads, great work on tying his story to Laura’s! Even though this was a very short thread, I enjoyed reading about Peter’s clever tricks to get closer to his end goal. I think in your first post you contradicted what happened in Laura’s post a bit, but overall, your writing really drove the story forward!
Voice: 9
I wasn’t bored for a second while reading your posts! You really have a talent for humor and would probably excel at writing stuff for semi-serious comedy shows. I loved all the jokes you had Peter make at pretty much everyone else’s expense, it really seemed to fit his character. The best way I could describe your writerly voice is fun and buttery, like movie popcorn. You just keep eating it up while enjoying the action on screen. That metaphor may seem a little weird, but the point is, I genuinely look forward to reading more of your stuff. Well done.
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered
Reward:
- A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something.
- A potential follow-up prompt for your story:
After Mickey Mouse dropped Peter and his… erm… friends off at the Golden Saucer space station, Peter’s been scoping out the more criminal scene on the Saucer. He’s even found a pretty promising lead for turning a profit in this strange new universe…
Chocobo Racing-- it’s what’s hot on the Saucer. Hundreds of visitors to the Saucer enter their well-bred and carefully trained chocobos in the races every day, rising up the ranks and earning thousands of credits in the process.
Peter’s overheard a highly official chocobo breeder complaining about recent troubles during the races, things like chocobos growing sick mid-race and being unable to continue. They suspect sabotage… maybe you can help out, for a price?
LINCOLN CLAY
- “Toward near the main airport of this vast southern city, an unbuilt casino resort lies north across the muddy waterway. The sunshine reflects off the newly built glass windows that fill the appearance of the towering cylindrical high-rise main casino building. At the near top of it looks over the once in a lifetime beautiful skyline of New Bordeaux. Unlike any other in the United States, a city where people come to drink, party, Mardi Gras, and indulge in different adult themes that the metropolis well known for in conversations. Now, it's vacant for anyone to have a criminal grasp that brings riches and an extravagant lifestyle.”
I really enjoyed this description. Seriously, wow.
- “His device begins humming and flashing with the particles as the unnatural wind begins to fill the room. All his scientific data, 8-bit sheets of paper sitting on some counters, start flying throughout the lab. Lightning protruded out of the tesla coils, hitting the surface of the platform. This process happens three more times until two physical human bodies appear and landed on the teleporter's platform.”
This was such a creative way to bring Lincoln into the Crossroads. What a unique and awesome idea, great work here.
- “"You bastard! Give us one good reason to not put a bullet in your brain, commie!" Donovan raises his voice in an angry manner of thinking he must be abducted by an alien.”
*looks at camera*
- “They got to the door and pushed it open, triggering the emergency exit alarm. All of them ran into the streets of 8-Bitian that's present with moderate traffic. 8-bit cars and trucks swerve to avoid the three jaywalkers. Some cars bumped into each other, and one hit a red fire hydrant causing pixelated water spew everywhere.”
I love all your clever little descriptions of 8-Bitain’s video game nonsense. It’s awesome to see!
- “"It's not just that. Every time I step out of this motel, I keep hearing this same goddamn annoying music playing over and over again while I'm just trying to walk down the street, minding my own damn business. That music, if I hear it again, I swear I might just have to put a bullet in me just to end the torture," John explains in an irritating mood by remembering how the music doesn't get out of his head.”
The freakin’ music, man. Lmfao.
I really enjoyed this description. Seriously, wow.
- “His device begins humming and flashing with the particles as the unnatural wind begins to fill the room. All his scientific data, 8-bit sheets of paper sitting on some counters, start flying throughout the lab. Lightning protruded out of the tesla coils, hitting the surface of the platform. This process happens three more times until two physical human bodies appear and landed on the teleporter's platform.”
This was such a creative way to bring Lincoln into the Crossroads. What a unique and awesome idea, great work here.
- “"You bastard! Give us one good reason to not put a bullet in your brain, commie!" Donovan raises his voice in an angry manner of thinking he must be abducted by an alien.”
*looks at camera*
- “They got to the door and pushed it open, triggering the emergency exit alarm. All of them ran into the streets of 8-Bitian that's present with moderate traffic. 8-bit cars and trucks swerve to avoid the three jaywalkers. Some cars bumped into each other, and one hit a red fire hydrant causing pixelated water spew everywhere.”
I love all your clever little descriptions of 8-Bitain’s video game nonsense. It’s awesome to see!
- “"It's not just that. Every time I step out of this motel, I keep hearing this same goddamn annoying music playing over and over again while I'm just trying to walk down the street, minding my own damn business. That music, if I hear it again, I swear I might just have to put a bullet in me just to end the torture," John explains in an irritating mood by remembering how the music doesn't get out of his head.”
The freakin’ music, man. Lmfao.
Word Count: 4,858
Grading:
Description & Clarity: 5
Your opening scene with Lincoln in New Bordeaux was amazing. Seriously, superb work setting the scene. Your description of the shattered glass, the body one the ground… chilling. I think you used a good mixture of description and action in your posts, though there were some times I wished you’d written a bit more!
For instance, when Lincoln, the 8-bit scientist and John were escaping the laboratory, they made it through the emergency exit pretty quickly. I think it would have helped if you’d described their ordeal in more detail. The roof breaks apart and there are explosions and fire everywhere, but they seemed to make it out in like two seconds! It confused me for a second, because I honestly thought there would be more of a trial there.
How could you have extended this scene’s descriptions a bit more? Maybe you could have described the smell of the smoke, given one of them an obstacle to trip over, or maybe had someone get injured. Something like that would have made the scene a bit more real in my opinion, even if it’s happening in an 8-bit world.
Other than that, another thing I’d like to point out is that sometimes you added seemingly unneeded details to your writing. For example: “The conversation's length ended at eight minutes so that the native of Nos'talgia can thoroughly explain the crossroads and everything surrounding them plus how they ended up here.”
Ask yourself, why does the reader need to know if the conversation lasted eight minutes? You could have said the conversation simply took a long time, or maybe that it lasted until the sun descended below the horizon, but eight minutes isn’t really that long for a simple conversation! If it had lasted, say, half an hour, that would be more wild.
Better yet, think about how you can take that information-- that the conversation lasted eight minutes --and make it more interesting for the reader. You could just say that the conversation lasted so long that Lincoln and John began to grow impatient with the scientist, or that it lasted so long that they began to get hungry. This would introduce some conflict to the story, and prompt them to investigate the world around them more on their own.
I also have one more note on clarity, and I believe I can explain this best using this quote from your post:
This happened when Lincoln stumbled upon the bar fight involving the koopas and everyone else. I knew you were providing a brief recap of what went down, but your description of Laura getting shot was confusing. I think part of the issue was the grammar mistakes mixed in there. Here would be my suggestion for how to write this sentence more clearly:
Technical: 4
Occasional spelling and grammar errors throughout, not too big of a deal, just be sure to slow down and re-read your writing to check for these. This is an RP site though, so don’t stress. Anyway, one thing that I will really be sure to point out is your sentence structure. For an example, have this quote here:
“Lincoln curiously talks about why his friend isn’t coming” could be more easily stated as “Lincoln asked.” It means the same thing, though I think “curious talks” kind of muddles the meaning of the sentence. You seem to do this in several places throughout your posts, describing things that could be stated in very few words with a lot more words than they really need. I’d work on keeping things more succinct and to the point unless you’re actually describing the scene/introducing new information to the story.
Characterization: 5
I think your characterization was pretty strong, but I found myself confusing Lincoln and John at times. It wasn’t until they were apart that I really began to get a feel for Lincoln as an individual. I’d try to make more of an effort to delve into Lincoln’s personal headspace. Focus on really making Lincoln stand out. Give him little quirks, describe his overall vibe, and directly contrast him with John. Try to really make them two distinct characters, but don’t forget that Lincoln is your main guy! You loved something about this character… what was it? And how can you emphasize that aspect of him in your writing?
Story: 5
Your writing at the beginning of this thread really hooked me, I enjoyed that opening scene massively and was immediately intrigued by who Lincoln was. I think that your first post really shows that you have a good grasp of how to write a story, but somewhere in your second post, when you had Lincoln go back to retrieve John, I was a little bummed out. Not that the writing was bad, I was just like, he just met all these cool people and had to leave! And then you were forced to scramble to get John back in there.
I think this could have been avoided by keeping John with Lincoln to go check out the bar. That whole separation thing seemed to make it kind of hard for you to get back into writing the next group scene. It complicated things. In the future, I’d try to keep things simple-- group threads are pretty complex, so don’t make things too hard on yourself!
Voice: 4
I think voice is where you really struggle with this character in particular. Your other characters, Aku especially, have a very unique attitude that is evident in your writing. I think it is partially because Lincoln is a bit more tactical, he’s very direct and to the point, while Aku is… Aku and Fox is more passionate.
I get the feeling that Lincoln is clever, loyal, and bloodthirsty if crossed. How can you show that in your writing? Maybe you can make him very resourceful, wary of his surroundings, give him protective body language around his friends. Maybe he’s an expert at reading people, good at anticipating others’ actions and thoughts. You wrote about him standing unafraid when Laura got straight up shot, but how can you push this further? What other things can you have happen around him that he will regard with that same cool, unflappable demeanor?
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered
Reward:
- A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something.
- A potential follow-up prompt for your story: Since you’re planning to enter Death Game with this character, I’ll offer one of these if you want after the event is over, if you’d like!
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Sorry this took so long, y'all!
JAK MAR
- “‘Come on, Jak.. Don’t tell me you forgot your hoverboard too?!’ Daxter gave Jak the evilest stare he could muster.
Jak rubbed his neck ‘Uh, yeah, about that..’”
The interactions between these two are hilarious. Jak’s sheepishness in the face of Daxter’s tiny, furry rage is amazing.
- “Daxter couldn’t help but be worried about Jak lying there on his own but he shrugged. He was going to have a good time on his own at the hot tub. He moved toward the stairs again, walking down toward the pool area and sliding the card inside as the red light turned green. He opened the door and moved toward the hot tub, looking around for the hot woman. To his dismay, there was none but he slipped his fuzzy feet in anyway.”
I love the concern that Daxter clearly feels for Jak. It’s such a wholesome relationship, even if Dax sometimes seems a little silly and rude!
- “Jak once again moved his coffee and moved his hands forward “The F-zero races? The ones back in the Omniverse from years ago? I tried to build something years ago.. It never worked out but hell yeah, I’d like to try again. But who will provide our car?”
I remember that! What a throwback. It’s nice seeing Jak get excited about things in your posts!
- “Jak paused for a second as he thought of Keira and that kiss they shared years ago. He blushed for a second. It was then Jak shook off the memories and the embarrassment of the moment and calmed down, making sure Shinku didn’t see him blush before Daxter hopped on Jak’s shoulder and both hopped on said zoomer.”
This was cute, haha. Jak thinking about this past is always a fun time.
- “Daxter shuddered “Hey Jak, what happened to the happy-go-lucky part of Erde? I wanna go back!””
Daxter’s dialogue continues to be absolutely hilarious.
- “Captain Falcon felt bad for the eco warrior, torn in between winning the race and letting the newcomers race. He still had to beat Shadow man in the race and the only way he could win is by beating his enemy in a race.
But the eco warrior was making this a lot harder to do as he was a pain in the ass.”
I loved how you wrote Captain Falcon’s personality. What a good, honest dude lol.
- ““HAHAHAHHA, Captain Falcon you’ll never defeat me!” Black shadow snickers as Jak turns Dark and Captain Falcon lets out his fearsome “Falcon Punch”. A dark eco ball and Falcon’s fearsome punch turns into a fireworks show as they both hit the dark villain as he screams and both went flying into the sky.”
This was WILD! What an awesome moment for Jak to show off his moves.
Jak rubbed his neck ‘Uh, yeah, about that..’”
The interactions between these two are hilarious. Jak’s sheepishness in the face of Daxter’s tiny, furry rage is amazing.
- “Daxter couldn’t help but be worried about Jak lying there on his own but he shrugged. He was going to have a good time on his own at the hot tub. He moved toward the stairs again, walking down toward the pool area and sliding the card inside as the red light turned green. He opened the door and moved toward the hot tub, looking around for the hot woman. To his dismay, there was none but he slipped his fuzzy feet in anyway.”
I love the concern that Daxter clearly feels for Jak. It’s such a wholesome relationship, even if Dax sometimes seems a little silly and rude!
- “Jak once again moved his coffee and moved his hands forward “The F-zero races? The ones back in the Omniverse from years ago? I tried to build something years ago.. It never worked out but hell yeah, I’d like to try again. But who will provide our car?”
I remember that! What a throwback. It’s nice seeing Jak get excited about things in your posts!
- “Jak paused for a second as he thought of Keira and that kiss they shared years ago. He blushed for a second. It was then Jak shook off the memories and the embarrassment of the moment and calmed down, making sure Shinku didn’t see him blush before Daxter hopped on Jak’s shoulder and both hopped on said zoomer.”
This was cute, haha. Jak thinking about this past is always a fun time.
- “Daxter shuddered “Hey Jak, what happened to the happy-go-lucky part of Erde? I wanna go back!””
Daxter’s dialogue continues to be absolutely hilarious.
- “Captain Falcon felt bad for the eco warrior, torn in between winning the race and letting the newcomers race. He still had to beat Shadow man in the race and the only way he could win is by beating his enemy in a race.
But the eco warrior was making this a lot harder to do as he was a pain in the ass.”
I loved how you wrote Captain Falcon’s personality. What a good, honest dude lol.
- ““HAHAHAHHA, Captain Falcon you’ll never defeat me!” Black shadow snickers as Jak turns Dark and Captain Falcon lets out his fearsome “Falcon Punch”. A dark eco ball and Falcon’s fearsome punch turns into a fireworks show as they both hit the dark villain as he screams and both went flying into the sky.”
This was WILD! What an awesome moment for Jak to show off his moves.
Word Count: 10,243 words
Grading:
Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, I would say that this part of your writing skillset needs more attention. Your posts focused a lot on dialogue and body language, but I would have appreciated more attempts to describe the setting! Without a setting, sometimes it feels like your characters are floating in space!
Also, the lack of setting descriptions created some confusing situations in the thread. Here’s an example of a confusing part of your story: “The eco warrior ran inside the inn door with the vines going down it after the ottsel almost knocked the door on his friend.”
The description of this doorway came out of nowhere, because you hadn’t really mentioned what the inn looked like before, only that Jak and Daxter were standing around on one of Arcadia’s streets. Again, more attention to setting would be greatly appreciated and goes a long way for improving understandability!
Another point I would make is that not every line of dialogue needs a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags are these: “he said, she said, Jak nodded, Daxter shrugged.” Sometimes dialogue should stand on its own to have more impact.
Additionally, you didn’t spend much time describing Shinku much when he first appeared in your posts-- not what he looked like or anything. Why did he seem so suspicious to Jak and Daxter aside from the commercial incident in the inn’s lobby?
Your post where Jak and Daxter accosted Shinku in the stairwell of the inn also seemed to lack any setting descriptions. While you focused on writing the body language and dialogue of your characters, this post still struggled because it felt like all the characters were floating in empty space-- sure, they were in a hallway, but what did that hallway look like? Was there a rug? What was the lighting like? Were they near a potentially high traffic area of the inn? Where were they other than in a hallway near some stairs? Little details like that can go a long way and make a scene more powerful.
The racing portion of the story was pretty vague for the most part, mostly because you told us what happened instead of describing it to us. Remember: “show, don’t tell.” I wanted to read about the wind rushing past! Speed! Metal on metal screeching as racers collided! Rad stuff like that! Just try to pay more attention to your character’s environment in your writing and you should be good to go.
Technical: 3
Your posts were occasionally missing punctuation-- for an example, look here:
This paragraph needed a period after “folks”, a comma after “Look”, and you also needed to put another quotation mark after “Dante’s Abyss!”
Remember, always make sure your dialogue has quotation marks on both ends. Otherwise, you get confusing paragraphs where your character’s dialogue runs together with your description of what’s happening. Here’s one example where this happened:
Note that there is a missing quotation mark after Jak said “Coming, Daxter.” If you’d like some tips on punctuating dialogue, there are some great tips [here]. I hope you’ll give it a read, it’s worked for me as a great reference in the past.
Finally, try to watch out for run-on sentences. Run-on sentences generally occur when two or more complete sentences run together and form a single sentence, usually without proper punctuation. To fix a run-on sentence, that sentence can be split into multiple, smaller sentences. This next quoted portion of your writing could have been split into maybe three sentences, I believe:
Here’s one way to break this sentence up into smaller “chunks”:
To read more about how run-on sentences work and how to avoid them, I’d recommend [this page]!
Lastly, be sure to put word count numbers in quote tags the next time you do a quest. These are OOC notes and when not placed inside quotes, they add to your Essence count. We don’t want that because it’s not part of your roleplay! Please try to be more careful in the future.
Characterization: 5
The camaraderie between Jak and Daxter is great to read. Daxter’s desire to be just as appreciated as Jak, who actually competed in DA, is amusing. The dynamic between these characters is very much a sidekick and hero arrangement, and yet Daxter constantly seems dissatisfied with that, which creates great comedy. You can really feel the bond between Jak and Dax with the subtle jokes and easy banter they throw at each other, as well.
I will say though, Jak’s decision to give Shinku the communicator in this thread felt very rushed. I would have liked to hear more of Jak’s thoughts on this. What was his reasoning for forcing Shinku to help him, when Shinku didn’t wrong him other than by trying to find out about his village’s necklace?
Furthermore, in that same post you just kind of… dropped Shinku after giving him the communicator. Jak and Daxter just went on to have breakfast, no further discussion on their apparent “stalker” taking place. I think more internal debate on Jak’s part about this would have helped elevate the scene a lot, and in the future, you might even want to work with Shinku’s writer to incorporate dialogue from Shinku in your own scenes. That would have made the interactions between your characters seem more authentic, for sure.
In addition to that, for a few posts you didn’t really mention Shinku’s character at all. For a cooperative thread, I found it pretty surprising that y’all’s characters seemed to be split up so often. It made me really confused about where Shinku had gone, most of the time. For instance, what was Shinku doing while Jak was working on the car with Reez? Where did he go?
Finally, when reading the dialogue between Jak and Reez, I felt like there was something I was missing, especially about the mobsters. I really wish the mob issue had been mentioned earlier in the thread and possibly discussed more clearly. I think the readers of this thread (and Shinku in character) would have liked more elaboration on the mob’s involvement!
Story: 3
The time skips you put in were a little wonky, specifically the Crossroads Antique Warehouse advertisement. That kind of came out of left field. The flow would have been improved if there was an explanation for why the commercial was mentioned. In your first post, I think that you intended to write this as Jak experiencing a flashback to watching his Antique Warehouse commercial, but there was very little indication that what was happening was a flashback in the section prior. To solve this issue, you could have written something like “Jak thought back on the previous day” right before the flashback occurred.
Also, there was very little build-up for Reez’s involvement in the story. When reading this quest’s prompt, I did not expect that Jak would already know about Reez and her mob issues. I thought he would actually need to go through the process of meeting her throughout the thread, but instead it seemed like the two were already in contact before the events of the thread actually took place. I think that introducing her as a totally new character who Jak has no knowledge of would have really helped provide more context for the mob situation and her goal of getting into the races.
Finally, the biggest issue I noticed in both your posts and Shinku’s was that you two did not appear to be collaborating enough. You didn’t incorporate much dialogue from Shinku in your posts, and Shinku didn’t incorporate much dialogue from Jak in their posts. This resulted in some confusing situations!
Take this quote from your post for example:
I found myself wondering, “Wait… when did this happen?” And then I read Shinku’s post after yours, where Shinku actually introduced himself with his fake name. This was very confusing, because as far as I knew as a reader, Shinku hadn’t introduced himself yet. I think that you two could have talked OOC and written dialogue for each other’s characters, that would have helped make the story more understandable.
Voice: 4
I think your voice usually comes across fairly well in your writing, but I want to see you take it further in your future writing. I can tell you have fun writing Jak and Daxter’s interactions, and I think you also had a good time writing Jak’s more brusque attitude with Shinku. You didn’t seem to be having nearly as much fun in other parts of your story though, especially when the actual race began. Try to relax a little and really think about what you love about your main character, and try to picture how he views the world around him. Let this show in every aspect of your writing, not just in dialogue or in Jak’s direct interactions with other characters, but in how you describe things.
Bonus Tier: Non-Tiered
Reward:
- A free entry in Book Club for next month, should you choose to submit something.
- A potential follow-up prompt for your story:
Jak and Daxter have settled in Uruk, for now. Their stay in the barracks has been a comfortable one, a credit to King Gilgamesh’s hospitality. With all the hubbub in the city and the large amount of new arrivals pouring in, though, it’s pretty easy to get lost in the mix!
Sometimes, Jak likes to go out in the desert simply to be alone, wandering around with little goal in mind. Occasionally he’ll stumble upon a bandit or two, but it’s pretty easy to scare them off-- his reputation as a finalist in Dante’s Abyss clearly precedes him.
One day, though, Jak trips over a rock or a loose patch of sand or something, and suddenly he falls into a weird hole in the ground! Looking around, Jak finds that it appears to be a vault, complete with all kinds of sinister traps and echoing chambers. What secrets could this place be hiding?
SHINKU
- “As the deal went between the rodent and the innkeeper, Shinku’s attention was caught by a screen that was hanging on a wall behind the counter. The screen showd an advertisement of a certain necklace being promoted by an actor. As if having the necklace zoomed before his eyes, Shinku saw the symbol of their clan engraved right at the center of its pendant. The young man watched intently, drawn by the familiar artifact that once belonged to his village. I didn’t take him that long to realize that the actor on the advertisement looked exactly as the companion of the guest that cut him off.”
Intriguing plot about the necklace! Very interesting way to bring your characters together!
- “Shinku woke up, not even realizing when he had fallen into slumber. The floor, just below the huge curtain at the edge of the room, shows some drips of sunlight, indicating that the sun had already shown itself outside. The young man pulled himself up, blinking for a moment, then gradually composed himself up to come back to the real world.”
This was a great opening image.
- “For a moment, Shinku decided to close his eyes, making the majestic view in front of him disappear into darkness, replaced by lights, projected by the spiritual energy of all the sentient beings around him. Out of those lights, Shinku followed the view of the eco warrior’s spiritual signature along with his rodent-like friend. Ever distrustful, the assassin can’t help to think of the possibility of the duo’s betrayal.”
GREAT description of how Shinku’s ability works!
- “The lustrous, cloudless sky has been painted with a rosy hue by the golden rays of the sun. It’s placid expanse has been made more alive by zeppelins and dragons, scattered as far as the assassin’s eyes can reach. The busy streets on the other hand, teems with a crowd of humans, and a couple of chocobos running about its concrete ground.”
Lovely descriptions of Arcadia abound! Gosh, how you described that sky… it’s almost like a painting.
- ““One!” For a split second, Shinku can hear the subtle sound of the trigger being pulled. The voices of the others have started to fade into deep distorted voices and then into total silence.
“Whhat the hell happened!” A fire was shot but to everyone’s surprise, the young man that once stood among them disappeared without a trace. The fired bullet drilled a hole on the concrete surface of the rooftop, making it seem like no one was actually in front of the stranger who made the shot.”
This description was amazing, you can really sense the bafflement of the goons here.
- “Finally getting their attention, Shinku decided to conceal himself yet again and then carefully made his way towards another victim. Ignoring his pain, the bloody assassin struck his blade through the heart of another man, then dived into the shadow realm. Before Shinku could delve into the shadows, one of the men was able to impale a sword at his shoulder. The pain of his previous wounds proved detrimental at his current fighting skills, that his actions became slower as they used to. He could only hope that sheer determination could get him through five more opponents.”
Excellent combat writing. Simply superb.
Intriguing plot about the necklace! Very interesting way to bring your characters together!
- “Shinku woke up, not even realizing when he had fallen into slumber. The floor, just below the huge curtain at the edge of the room, shows some drips of sunlight, indicating that the sun had already shown itself outside. The young man pulled himself up, blinking for a moment, then gradually composed himself up to come back to the real world.”
This was a great opening image.
- “For a moment, Shinku decided to close his eyes, making the majestic view in front of him disappear into darkness, replaced by lights, projected by the spiritual energy of all the sentient beings around him. Out of those lights, Shinku followed the view of the eco warrior’s spiritual signature along with his rodent-like friend. Ever distrustful, the assassin can’t help to think of the possibility of the duo’s betrayal.”
GREAT description of how Shinku’s ability works!
- “The lustrous, cloudless sky has been painted with a rosy hue by the golden rays of the sun. It’s placid expanse has been made more alive by zeppelins and dragons, scattered as far as the assassin’s eyes can reach. The busy streets on the other hand, teems with a crowd of humans, and a couple of chocobos running about its concrete ground.”
Lovely descriptions of Arcadia abound! Gosh, how you described that sky… it’s almost like a painting.
- ““One!” For a split second, Shinku can hear the subtle sound of the trigger being pulled. The voices of the others have started to fade into deep distorted voices and then into total silence.
“Whhat the hell happened!” A fire was shot but to everyone’s surprise, the young man that once stood among them disappeared without a trace. The fired bullet drilled a hole on the concrete surface of the rooftop, making it seem like no one was actually in front of the stranger who made the shot.”
This description was amazing, you can really sense the bafflement of the goons here.
- “Finally getting their attention, Shinku decided to conceal himself yet again and then carefully made his way towards another victim. Ignoring his pain, the bloody assassin struck his blade through the heart of another man, then dived into the shadow realm. Before Shinku could delve into the shadows, one of the men was able to impale a sword at his shoulder. The pain of his previous wounds proved detrimental at his current fighting skills, that his actions became slower as they used to. He could only hope that sheer determination could get him through five more opponents.”
Excellent combat writing. Simply superb.
Word Count: 11,770
Grading:
Description & Clarity: 8
I absolutely loved your opening image of Erde Nona, and the way you wrote about Arcadia was wonderful. You have a real talent for describing how things look so that it is easy to imagine them. I would have appreciated more senses being touched on beyond just sight, but overall, your environment descriptions were phenomenal. Your combat descriptions were also excellent, I hope to read more scenes like Shinku’s interactions with those goons outside of Reez’s garage.
Only once did a single detail stick out to me as strange or unnecessary in your descriptions: “He opened the crate, then pretended to be looking for something yet, what he actually did was to put himself in a deep trance, allowing him to monitor any movement of all sentient beings at least 150 feet around him.”
I’m not sure that mentioning 150 feet specifically was needed here? What I mean is, it just seems like an odd detail to throw out in the middle of all your other descriptions of the scene. I’d try to keep things like distance more vague unless you feel that it is absolutely necessary. Also, as I stated in the spoiler above, your depiction of Shinku’s trance state was extremely interesting. I’d be curious to read more about what that feels like for him!
Overall, I feel that maybe a little more description could have been added to some of your writing in this thread, but not much. For instance, I think more time could have been spent on the struggle between Jak and Shinku in the inn, because that scene overall felt a bit rushed. Still, it was a good scene-- I just felt as a reader that it was a fun interaction and would have liked to read more.
I also have a dialogue tip for you: Try to always make sure it is very clear who is saying each line of dialogue. It became a little unclear who was speaking in some of your posts.
Technical: 6
Overall, you seem to have a good grasp of standard writing concepts, it was fairly rare that I noticed any spelling or grammar mistakes. You shifted between past and present tense a lot, though, sometimes even within the same sentence. A lot of people struggle with this, however, so I wouldn’t stress too much about it. Just read over your posts and watch out for shifting tenses!
Also, I noticed that occasionally you had difficulties punctuating dialogue. [Here] are some useful tips on how to figure that crazy stuff out! I use this as a reference quite often.
Finally, I also noticed in your last post of the thread that you did a little time skip where Shinku shadow-traveled back to Reez’s location. It was kind of jarring to shift locations like this so suddenly! To try to make these types of transitions “flow” better, you can insert manual breaks between scenes with hyphens or asterisks.
Characterization: 6
Most of your first post seemed to be all Birke. It was a very one-sided dialogue with Birke being the main speaker. Even if Shinku doesn’t talk much, it would be great if you described some kind of silent reaction on his part-- body language, expressions, something like that.
I also would have liked for their goodbyes to last longer. With the amount of monologuing you gave Birke, I would’ve thought you would have deliberated more on his separation from Shinku and made it more bittersweet. He seemed like a good character, and likely would deserve a proper sendoff!
Also, the dialogue between Shinku and the innkeeper here was really great and funny! It’s great when you let Shinku speak in your posts, he seems to be a very intelligent character with a lot of interesting things to say. I also enjoyed the more personal dialogue between Shinku and Reez near the end of the thread, that was nice to see. You really branched out from the action in Jak’s posts and drove the story forward on your own!
In general, I think you did really well in this area by having Shinku focus on his goals and spend time investigating the world around him. I felt as if I could really see Arcadia through Shinku’s eyes in your posts. Well done!
Story: 5
The necklace plot was a stroke of genius, what a great way to bring Shinku and Jak’s stories into conflict. I also really liked how much use the mechanics of Shinku’s shadow traveling received, and how useful they were to helping him confront the villains at the race track and protect Reez.
Still, all throughout this thread, Shinku seems to be constantly trying to catch up to Jak! What would be really great is for you to give Shinku his own activities outside of your writing partners. Jak’s actions felt like they were driving the thread and, again, it seemed that Shinku was constantly attempting to catch up/waiting around for them. Maybe Shinku could daydream, think about his past, have conversations with people on the street, something like that!
Also, try to avoid writing a recap of your story partner’s posts. Introduce your own plots! Think about how YOU can push the story forward. Sometimes, not much happened in a few of your posts, such as in the travel post to the race track. I’d really like it if you went out on a limb and did something exciting with Shinku to get the plot moving. I know it can be hard with a partner, but you can discuss these things and bounce ideas off of each other!
Voice: 8
I think you’re on the right track to embracing your own personal voice as a writer. I felt like Shinku’s thoughts and feelings bled into every part of your posts, something which really strengthened their impact. If you will look at the spoilered text at the beginning of my feedback for you, there are a few examples of parts where I felt like your individual voice really came alive. I was super impressed by your writing overall and hope you will continue to tell Shinku’s story!
Bonus Tier: Tier 1
Reward: You have earned a Trinket valued at up to 1000 Coin. See the spoiler below for more information:
Reez’s Amulet
Protection Rank 5 (500)
-- Ongoing (500)
-- Removable (-250)
Healing Rank 1 (200)
-- Ongoing (100)
-- Removable (-50)
Total Value: 1000 Coin
A hand-painted clay amulet inlaid with a shimmeringly smooth labradorite gemstone. The primary stone almost seems to glow, a gentle greenish-blue light emanating from it, and a much smaller labradorite bead dangles from the bottom. Reez mailed it to Shinku, forever grateful for his brief time serving as her protector. The letter she sent with it detailed the amulet’s mystical powers.
When worn, the amulet causes a subtle blue aura to drift around the wearer like a ghostly shroud. So long as the amulet is still worn around Shinku’s neck, it will help to mitigate the effects of most major attacks. In addition to this, the amulet has a subtle healing effect, managing to stitch up damage equivalent to minor knife wounds. This amulet can be removed by Shinku voluntarily or forcibly cut from around his neck.
Protection Rank 5 (500)
-- Ongoing (500)
-- Removable (-250)
Healing Rank 1 (200)
-- Ongoing (100)
-- Removable (-50)
Total Value: 1000 Coin
A hand-painted clay amulet inlaid with a shimmeringly smooth labradorite gemstone. The primary stone almost seems to glow, a gentle greenish-blue light emanating from it, and a much smaller labradorite bead dangles from the bottom. Reez mailed it to Shinku, forever grateful for his brief time serving as her protector. The letter she sent with it detailed the amulet’s mystical powers.
When worn, the amulet causes a subtle blue aura to drift around the wearer like a ghostly shroud. So long as the amulet is still worn around Shinku’s neck, it will help to mitigate the effects of most major attacks. In addition to this, the amulet has a subtle healing effect, managing to stitch up damage equivalent to minor knife wounds. This amulet can be removed by Shinku voluntarily or forcibly cut from around his neck.
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- The Thieves Guild |&| Babylonia
@Beatrix III @Android XVII
“This region is called Laconia, and it is known for its exports of agricultural products and assholes.”
I can’t, lmao, how forthright from this knightly man.
Seventeen paused for a few moments before responding. “Stephen,” he finally replied with a grin. “Stephen Juunanagou the 17th.”
“That’s a lot of Steves,” the seamstress snickered.
I’m on the side of the seamstress here, how amusing~
“You know Zamara is one the few remaining cities that will even tolerate your presence, babe. This is going to be hard to explain.” Jaina said, leaning on her staff.
“I have faith in your ability to explain away anything, blondie.” Beatrix said with a grin.
This is a good example showing Bea and Jaina’s relationship! I love this!
Closing the gap before Cobra could react, he went for his short sword but found his arm being pulled away from the hilt of his weapon. Zulenka threw her full weight into her shoulder and knocked him backward. Grabbing his sword arm she drove her own blade through his chest.
Yer combats is gud!
Seventeen smirked. “I figured… with all those sounds and noises coming from your room, that you wouldn’t be so vanilla when it came to other decisions.”
Omg Stephen Juunanagou the 17th has no chill, does he?
“I never thought they’d said the period phoenix and her dyke magician after me.”
[...]
With a thud, the necromancer fell dead to the floor.
I didn’t quote this entire part because I want others to read it, but oh my lord did I get such a kick out of reading the face-off with bad-mouthing necromancer Elizabeth Warren.
I can’t, lmao, how forthright from this knightly man.
Seventeen paused for a few moments before responding. “Stephen,” he finally replied with a grin. “Stephen Juunanagou the 17th.”
“That’s a lot of Steves,” the seamstress snickered.
I’m on the side of the seamstress here, how amusing~
“You know Zamara is one the few remaining cities that will even tolerate your presence, babe. This is going to be hard to explain.” Jaina said, leaning on her staff.
“I have faith in your ability to explain away anything, blondie.” Beatrix said with a grin.
This is a good example showing Bea and Jaina’s relationship! I love this!
Closing the gap before Cobra could react, he went for his short sword but found his arm being pulled away from the hilt of his weapon. Zulenka threw her full weight into her shoulder and knocked him backward. Grabbing his sword arm she drove her own blade through his chest.
Yer combats is gud!
Seventeen smirked. “I figured… with all those sounds and noises coming from your room, that you wouldn’t be so vanilla when it came to other decisions.”
Omg Stephen Juunanagou the 17th has no chill, does he?
“I never thought they’d said the period phoenix and her dyke magician after me.”
[...]
With a thud, the necromancer fell dead to the floor.
I didn’t quote this entire part because I want others to read it, but oh my lord did I get such a kick out of reading the face-off with bad-mouthing necromancer Elizabeth Warren.
Word Count:
Android Seventeen - 4,925
Beatrix III - 3,812
Grading
Description & Clarity: 7
Android Seventeen - 4,925
Beatrix III - 3,812
Grading
Description & Clarity: 7
For the most part y’all both did good in this section. Most of my complaints are minor nitpicks, though I do feel like you both could’ve fluffed it up at points, really describing the setting to establish the atmosphere and tone. There were a few scenes where I wasn’t exactly sure on how something was happening or why it happened precisely, as if a jump cut had happened without much metatextual context. All in all, you both have a solid grasp on this and only need some minor improvements.
Technical: 8
Not much to say here, your technical skills are sound. There were a few minor typos here and there but besides that everything was stellar!
Characterization: 8
This is both of yours’ strong point. I absolutely adore Trix-three, Jaina and Seventeen, and you two characterize them very well. There wasn’t really ever a point where I felt confused about why a character was acting the way they were, though personally I feel like a little more set up explaining Jaina’s prior reckless drunkenness would’ve done well to really round this off and add some tension to the bar scene.
Story: 7
Poor
Voice: 8
Joe, you have such a strong and distinct voice when it comes to writing Beatrix and Jaina. I mean, you really hit your stride in combat scenes with Bea every single time, with a certified air of militant detail. I can tell that you’re really comfortable with various combat scenarios and the inner-musings of a depressed alcoholic bloodmage. It’s obvious that you are invested in making Beatrix read like a grounded character.
Alex, you have a snide and cheeky style that amuses me endlessly. I love how strikingly metatextual and fourth-wallish it is, without stumbling into the realm of crashing through that fourth wall with a wrecking ball. You strike a nice balance between Seventeen being genre-savvy and the very tongue-in-cheek wink-nod references to real occurrences.
Bonus Tier:
Beatrix - Unteired, You have earned a free entry in the upcoming Book Club, and a Prompt!
Seventeen - Tier One, A trinket worth 1,000 coin!
Reward:
Arcane Pendant of the Unliving (1000)
Healing III (600)
-- Triggered: Be Damaged (150)
-- Removable (-150)
Adaption: Immune to Pain (200)
-- Removable (-50)
Adaptation: Extreme Cold (100)
-- Removable (-50)
Starvation and Thirst (50)
-- Removable
Need for Sleep (50)
-- Removable
Chemical or Toxic Environments (50)
-- Removable
Disease (50)
-- Removable
An arcane crystal pendant looted off the corpse of Councilwoman Warren, it glows an ominous sickly yellow. When worn around the neck it will provide its wearer with an immunity to pain, cold, starvation, thirst, toxic environments, disease, the normal human urge to sleep and a one time instance of healing, triggered automatically when the user takes moderate damage. Once this healing effect triggers the trinket is rendered useless, its fleeting and unnatural magic all used up. Seeing as it is composed of little more than an enchanted crystal on a leather string, it can easily be taken off or snatched away.
Prompt:
Being a Councilmember has a long list of perks, the most important of which deals directly in information gathering and brokering. Councilwoman Elizabeth Warren had a lot of terrible secrets, most of which are stashed away in various books and journals scattered throughout her home lair. Rumor is that she avoided the law for so long because those deep dark secrets belong to others, others who’d like for those secrets to stay dead in the grave along with her. Perhaps those documents could serve as useful blackmail against the Zamaran officials that threw you out and repossessed nearly all your belongings...
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V - A Heckin' Harrowing (Quest)
Let’s take the fight to him, pals. Far away in his twisted domain, these words escaped Darkseid’s notice. He neglected them not because he couldn’t hear them, or because the group of cartoonish buffoons on the annoyingly whimsical planet somehow gained a leg up on him. No, rather, the would-be...
multerra.zulenka.com
Submitting "A Heckin' Harrowing" for review. 'Twas my Parademon slaying quest. Should be about ~12,673 words.
Thank you!
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@Remilia Scarlet
The book store was a quaint little place, squished between two side streets that might had been missed were it not for the sign. The facade outside presented faded stone bricks, an arch over the main door decorated in images of philosophers, and lancet windows on the second floor to create an illusion of the vaunted vaults of knowledge that rose over the city on the magical isles of the sky. An illusion casted away by a poster on the storefront window advertising the newest trashy novel of the forbidden love between a naga and a dullahan. Remilia paused at the door to regard the poster before concluding that she just did not get some people’s tastes.
The whole episode inside the bookstore was one of my favorite moments of this story, just because I thought the world-building done in it was truly astounding. But I wanted to specifically sample a section of it that showed off the true talent you have for description -- I get a lot of beautifully-written, but not, like, purple-prose-y detail here about the setting, all tied together with a little bow of character development on the end there with Remilia's voice reentering the narrative. Really nicely done.
“I’ll touch the ceiling first!” She proclaimed as she got to her feet.
“Nuh-uh!” Flandre laughed in stride.
Hours later, when Remilia was finally retrieved, she left with no regrets on her face. Even when she was reproached by the staff for lying about having permission to see her sister, a smile never left her face.
Tomorrow was much more on her mind.
Remilia's relationship with Flandre does a lot of heavy lifting to, for lack of a better phrase here, humanize her, and this chunk does a great job of showcasing that. The playful energy between the two is so fricking cute and I just had to shout it out.
She consoled herself that tonight would be a waste regardless, and sulked back to the orphanage with her sour grapes in tow.
This was my favorite sentence in the entire thread, for whatever reason. I just sighed after it and was like, "yup." It's so deliciously well-constructed and gets its point across in such a nice, but still unique, way. Just love it.
The whole episode inside the bookstore was one of my favorite moments of this story, just because I thought the world-building done in it was truly astounding. But I wanted to specifically sample a section of it that showed off the true talent you have for description -- I get a lot of beautifully-written, but not, like, purple-prose-y detail here about the setting, all tied together with a little bow of character development on the end there with Remilia's voice reentering the narrative. Really nicely done.
“I’ll touch the ceiling first!” She proclaimed as she got to her feet.
“Nuh-uh!” Flandre laughed in stride.
Hours later, when Remilia was finally retrieved, she left with no regrets on her face. Even when she was reproached by the staff for lying about having permission to see her sister, a smile never left her face.
Tomorrow was much more on her mind.
Remilia's relationship with Flandre does a lot of heavy lifting to, for lack of a better phrase here, humanize her, and this chunk does a great job of showcasing that. The playful energy between the two is so fricking cute and I just had to shout it out.
She consoled herself that tonight would be a waste regardless, and sulked back to the orphanage with her sour grapes in tow.
This was my favorite sentence in the entire thread, for whatever reason. I just sighed after it and was like, "yup." It's so deliciously well-constructed and gets its point across in such a nice, but still unique, way. Just love it.
Word Count: 9,346
Grading
Description & Clarity: 8
Grading
Description & Clarity: 8
Doomy. You are fucking stellar at this. I know I'm often struggling to find new and inventive ways to describe things that aren't old or tired but also aren't purple prose, and you have a way of just... doing this in such a conversational way that even the most heightened descriptions, like the one I quoted of the library above, just sort of fly off the page. It's really stunning, and creates such a vivid world that I could imagine everything with pinpoint precision. I always love your writing, but I was just really fucking impressed with this in particular in this story, like... what!
Technical: 5
It's generally clear that you have a great understanding of the technical aspects of writing! The only thing that brought this down was the fact that, occasionally, there's a typo here or there that really throws off the flow you've got going. I generally don't mind the occasional typo, but they just popped up pretty often and stood in stark contrast to how well-formed your descriptions and story were. I think most of them could be fixed by giving your writing one or two more look-overs before posting, and maybe even just speaking it aloud a little bit to hear how it flows/if it makes sense. I really think even just that much more proofreading would heighten your writing to a whole new level.
Characterization: 7
Remilia is a super interesting character. There is a lot going on with her, and at the beginning I found myself very intrigued by the sort of slow breadcrumb character development she was getting, how I would learn new things about her bit by bit, and usually not necessarily in like "long inner monologue" ways. I know I'm guilty of telling not showing often, and you did a great job of illustrating through action things like Remilia's desire to be normal, her relationship with Flandre, etc. Where this really shined was when the bloodlust started to emerge in the alley -- that whole sequence, and Remilia's "transformation," so to speak, was so clear.
Story: 7
This goes hand in hand with the last section, so I don't have a LOT to say about it, but let me just say that the way you set up the plot, and the way you dispensed information without huge exposition dumps and rather through little character moments, was so compelling. I know it took me a long time to read it because of life just generally being life, but every time I'd circle back to it it was always so easy to keep up with and so well paced and it was so incredibly interesting. "Docile vampire goes rabid" isn't the most unique plotline in the world, but you used Remilia's one of a kind sensibility to make it super easy to follow.
Voice: 6
Like I said above, you know how to work Remilia's unique perspective into your writing. Really the only thing that knocks this down is that the typos can occasionally make it feel a little disjointed, and I lose a little bit of Remilia's voice in the moments when I'm taken out of it. But you've always been particularly good at getting your character's perspective across -- it's one of the reasons your first person work as Doomguy is so stellar, and it's clear you know how to structure sentences and stories to make them *Remilia* stories as well. I also don't know where to put this, but this feels closest, so: that song you linked to in the second to last post! So appropriate! I listened to it as I read the last post and a half and it certainly heightened that experience. You have a great feel for Remilia and what she's like and how to make a reader feel that when you're writing.
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Reward:
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Amulet of Lilith (650E)
A beautiful silver necklace with a ruby jewel set in it. It has lived most of its life in unassuming antique stores after a spell in a local Erde Nonian mausoleum, with most unaware of the power it holds: to provide the user with protection against certain worldly phenomena. It's said to make its user invincible, and that's not necessarily the case -- but it might make them feel invincible. The user does need to be wearing the trinket, or at least have it on their person, in order for its effects to radiate properly. Giving this to another person passes the effect on to them, and it can be removed.
Adaptation: Immune to Pain (200E)
-- Transferable +50
-- Limited: Must Be Wearing -50
-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Incredible Heat Environments (100E)
-- Transferable +50
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-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Incredible Cold Environments (100E)
-- Transferable +50
-- Limited: Must Be Wearing -50
-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Radioactive Environments (50E)
-- Transferable +50
-- Limited: Must Be Wearing -50
-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Chemical or Toxic Environments (50E)
-- Transferable +50
-- Limited: Must Be Wearing -50
-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Need To Breathe (200E)
-- Transferable +50
-- Limited: Must Be Wearing -50
-- Removable -50
Adaptation: Space (300E)
-- Transferable +50
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-- Removable -50
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@Kefka Palazzo Here's your boy and his earnings.
Kefka threw his head back, his laugh a whipcrack of mockery.
--
Stretching away from him in every direction appeared to be a never-ending carnival. Jaunty, organ music played in overlapping, nonsense cacophony, as though a dozen-dozen copies of the same song played with a second’s delay one after another.
The guests were odd, too. All kinds of strange, ghoulish creatures crowded around him. Demons, lizard creatures, some bizarre, betentacled… things… and the staff were even stranger. Everyone appeared to be a strange, living bobblehead. Somehow able to speak, hear, and evidently see, in spite of their giant, ever wobbling, lifeless, plastic faces.
--
Gestahl sighed. “But why seek to snuff it out?”
Kefka laughed again, a cold, awful laugh.
“It would be a monument everlasting to the futility of life.”
“Kefka…”
The wizard rolled his eyes.
“You’re a monster.”
--
Stretching away from him in every direction appeared to be a never-ending carnival. Jaunty, organ music played in overlapping, nonsense cacophony, as though a dozen-dozen copies of the same song played with a second’s delay one after another.
The guests were odd, too. All kinds of strange, ghoulish creatures crowded around him. Demons, lizard creatures, some bizarre, betentacled… things… and the staff were even stranger. Everyone appeared to be a strange, living bobblehead. Somehow able to speak, hear, and evidently see, in spite of their giant, ever wobbling, lifeless, plastic faces.
--
Gestahl sighed. “But why seek to snuff it out?”
Kefka laughed again, a cold, awful laugh.
“It would be a monument everlasting to the futility of life.”
“Kefka…”
The wizard rolled his eyes.
“You’re a monster.”
Grading
Description & Clarity: 8
Description & Clarity: 8
It was very easy to visualize each scene and setup, so I have no faults to illustrate here. The only thing I can do is advise you to try and push your descriptions a bit further. I was particularly tantalized by the set up for the carnival scene - adding in scents, textures, descriptions of lighting can all transport a reader's body and soul into a setpiece. You’re on the verge of excellence here.
Technical: 6
There is nothing particularly errant here; your punctuation and grammar are tidy overall. To that end you also may want to consider breaking up your dialogue and exposition a little more carefully. Your use of italics is very skillful, but also highly prominent. Describing the characters’ tones or expressions more often can simultaneously break up dialogue and illustrate the scene in subtle ways (especially to help the reader understand who is speaking). This particular section could be reworked, if you feel like some homework:
“That’s treason!”
“Treason?! You want to talk about treachery?! ‘You’ll be the first of the Empire’s mightiest heroes’. You said that, do you remember? When you convinced me your Magitek Knight program would be ever so vital to the cause.”
“You knew the risks. I was good to you- you had been vital-”
“You made me. You wanted bloodlust. Rage,” the Mad King snarled. “’Good’ to me. You needed me. Leo may have been your best tactician, but I was your sword. And you expected me not to rise to my station? Usurping you was necessary, have you not seen that yet? I became God of Magic! And I still fell. Does that not tell you all you need to know about the impermanence of life?
All things, good, bad, grand, and small, all… everything… insignificant.”
Characterization: 6
Well there’s certainly no doubt about the kind of person Kefka is, at least externally. His conflicts with the afterlife gatekeeper were probably my favorite parts of this story, as well as the dialogue with his Emperor. I think I would have liked to see a little more exploration of these other characters; if they’re drawn from his own psyche, then I’d like to know more about them. There were also times where Kefka’s facade of utter, violent dominance began to crack a little bit - I would encourage you to explore that kind of thing a bit more, even if they revert to old habits in the end.
Story: 5
Have to admit, compared to Kefka’s other stuff you’ve written the story here was a bit flat. The premise and setup you gave yourself offered a lot of room for improvisation and exploration of your character’s psyche, but pretty much every opportunity to explore that was literally smashed to pieces. Most scenes ended with Kefka brutally murdering someone after exchanging some exposition. As strong and flippant as your character is, I would have liked to see him realize at some point that maybe his usual way of solving problems wasn’t going to work, and concoct some madman scheme to circumvent the afterlife. Caving in skull after skull may not get old for Kefka, but narratively it’s a bit one-note.
Voice: 7
When writing Kefka, you have a very interesting way of keeping paragraphs and ideas short and somewhat deadpan. Normally I would encourage a writer to try and expand these sections a little bit more, but I think this is actually very apt for a character who is a comedian. The posts read and flow much like a stand-up comedy routine, and it helps to punctuate the light, punchy nature of Kefka’s mentality.
Bonus Tier: Tier 1
Reward:
A Trinket, valued at up to 1000 Coin
Shattered AmuletReward:
A Trinket, valued at up to 1000 Coin
Healing 5 (1000)
- Transferable (+250)
- Triggered (+250)
- Removable (-250)
- Finite (-250)
Somehow, you managed to drag back the remnants of one of the magical amulets you were supposed to 'earn' in the afterlife. A bit of revivifying magic still stirs within this cracked, glass bauble. Should your body ever take critical damage while it is on your person, the amulet will automatically activate to bestow you a burst of healing (hopefully keeping you out of the afterlife, you crazy bastard). You could, hypothetically, give it to another person to save them from an unexpected death...but that would require a spark of altruism, wouldn't it?
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@Altanis
Overhead, the sun glared down with its incessant glaze of light and heat.
Ahead, the dusty roads were wreathed in a shimmering and indistinct veil of hazy sand and ghostly heat-mirages.
To the left, there was one of the rivers all flowing out from the center of the world. A dirty blue-gray colored ribbon, sparkling blindingly in the sun.
To the right, there was the line of tracks that supposedly lead to the wreck they were supposed to be rolling out to help patch up and get moving again.
--
The ragged remains of the cloth draped over them, in some kind of passing attempt at a makeshift cloak, was quick to fly away with the sands in the hot winds of the desert, sailing into the distance in a lazy spiral.
--
"You have mentioned several times now why coming up this mountain was a bad decision, but never quite why that is." The centaur leaned forward slightly to leer down at the mechanic curiously. "Pray tell, what has you so frazzled and riled up about this particular location?"
--
"Really?" Joey's eyebrows shot up at that one. "You actually brought tools with you?"
"Yep." And with no further ado, the orkoid mechanic showcased his expertise by lifting up one massive boot and slamming it into the knotted mess of metal. it gave way under the impact like wet paper sack, the gates flying open with a harsh grating screech against the asphalt. "Da size 42 ork wrench."
--
They were all huge and monstrous, to the last. Burly and hulking figures with hides ranging in shades from vibrant green to midnight blue, skin stretched taut and fit to bursting over bulging muscles and flesh nearly too big for their bodies. Small, beady eyes with yellowed sclera and wide gaping black irises peered out above a mouth pulled back in an eternal snarl, lips stretched out over a too-large skull into a permanent teeth-baring rictus.
--
"So you chose instead to make his sacrifice meaningless." There was a brief pause, while the mechanic simply tried, and failed, several times to come up with a response and simply stuttered over her words. "It is not a judgement. That was your decision to make. To see it was such a hard one for you..." He leaned back again, completely out of sight. "....you truly are a good soul. An increasingly rare thing, these days."
Ahead, the dusty roads were wreathed in a shimmering and indistinct veil of hazy sand and ghostly heat-mirages.
To the left, there was one of the rivers all flowing out from the center of the world. A dirty blue-gray colored ribbon, sparkling blindingly in the sun.
To the right, there was the line of tracks that supposedly lead to the wreck they were supposed to be rolling out to help patch up and get moving again.
--
The ragged remains of the cloth draped over them, in some kind of passing attempt at a makeshift cloak, was quick to fly away with the sands in the hot winds of the desert, sailing into the distance in a lazy spiral.
--
"You have mentioned several times now why coming up this mountain was a bad decision, but never quite why that is." The centaur leaned forward slightly to leer down at the mechanic curiously. "Pray tell, what has you so frazzled and riled up about this particular location?"
--
"Really?" Joey's eyebrows shot up at that one. "You actually brought tools with you?"
"Yep." And with no further ado, the orkoid mechanic showcased his expertise by lifting up one massive boot and slamming it into the knotted mess of metal. it gave way under the impact like wet paper sack, the gates flying open with a harsh grating screech against the asphalt. "Da size 42 ork wrench."
--
They were all huge and monstrous, to the last. Burly and hulking figures with hides ranging in shades from vibrant green to midnight blue, skin stretched taut and fit to bursting over bulging muscles and flesh nearly too big for their bodies. Small, beady eyes with yellowed sclera and wide gaping black irises peered out above a mouth pulled back in an eternal snarl, lips stretched out over a too-large skull into a permanent teeth-baring rictus.
--
"So you chose instead to make his sacrifice meaningless." There was a brief pause, while the mechanic simply tried, and failed, several times to come up with a response and simply stuttered over her words. "It is not a judgement. That was your decision to make. To see it was such a hard one for you..." He leaned back again, completely out of sight. "....you truly are a good soul. An increasingly rare thing, these days."
Grading
Grading
Description & Clarity: 8
Your description of movement, location, and action is nearly perfect. I can easily track what is happening, and where everything is in my mind’s eye, and almost all of my mental senses were engaged. The description of the super mutants was particularly vivid, and despite the fact that I already know what one looks like, the section I listed above gave me an even more visceral visualization.
At this level of writing, I can only encourage you to go deeper. Smells, textures, tastes - even if the characters themselves can’t detect these things, they can immerse the reader even more. I also want to push you into describing specific objects and scenes a little bit more. Describing how the wreck actually looked, aside from being twisted or broken, I had no idea what kind of vehicle or machine it had been. Likewise with the fortress on black mountain, once they got inside the front gate, I needed to fill in some gaps myself.
Just go apeshit dude, you’re almost perfect.
Technical: 9
For practical purposes, there are no large mistakes or typos that I really have to point out, and any of those kind of mistakes are small enough for me to disregard. Again, at this level of writing, the only thing holding you back is what you could do more of. I’m personally not a fan of all caps, italics, or extended spellings in stuff I read, but I can forgive that other authors like that stylization.
Also, something that I am very guilty of as a writer, but also sensitive to - try to break up sentences when they start to get a bit too long. Certain scenes or reactions need to have a certain cadence, for sure, but sometimes a period can do the same job as a comma.
Characterization: 7
This is an interesting category, and I might have marked it lower if I didn’t have an inclination that you were intentionally holding back on Altanis. Essentially, BC and Joey get most of the spotlight, and that’s fine. Keeping Altanis at arms length to the reader maintains the sort mysterious and threatening unknown factor she presents.
When the story does shift to her perspective, however, there isn’t much rationale for why she’s such a vile, selfish, cruel horse lady. Keeping her backstory vague and mysterious is good, but working some of her internal emotional logic into her expository paragraphs would be appreciated.
The two NPCs are great, if just a tad one-dimensional. To your credit, the fact that they double down on their character traits when confronted (as well as their emotions towards one another) makes them very believable. I’d like to see a little more complexity there, however. One’s an Ork, and the other is Scrappy Wrench Girl. What else though?
Story: 7
The starting premise is a little dry, but the promise of demon horse lady shenanigans kept me going. When the Sudden Surprise of Altanis finally hits though, the rest of the story is rewarding and punchy. Familiar tropes start stacking up towards the climax, and it becomes just a bit predictable after it’s apparent that Black Mountain is still occupied (if you’re a Fallout fan, there’s not much surprise at all).
On the other hand, you did take enough time with the buildup and dread of the mutant fortress, and illustrated the ensuing defeat vividly and expertly. As a result, the cliffhanger you ended on does have me wanting to read more, and that’s what counts.
Voice: 7
Your personal tone of writing is very character centric, and so the exposition and narration tends to change slightly between whoever is fronting the current dialogue. This is good, and helps the reader understand who is the main focus of a given scene.
Outside of character centric exposition, however, your narration tends to be a little bit on the dry side. Despite being structurally sound, your vibrant descriptions and characterization tend to be written in a fairly scholarly manner. Don’t be afraid to get dirty! If Herman Melville can jam his stupid opinions into every sentence, so can we!
Bonus Tier 2
You have earned a Trinket, valued at up to 2000 Coin, to be designed by you (it must in some way be relevant to your plot)
You have earned a Trinket, valued at up to 2000 Coin, to be designed by you (it must in some way be relevant to your plot)
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@Mickey Mouse
Far away in his twisted domain, these words escaped Darkseid’s notice. He neglected them not because he couldn’t hear them, or because the group of cartoonish buffoons on the annoyingly whimsical planet somehow gained a leg up on him. No, rather, the would-be crew of heroes -- seven of them now -- simply, essentially, didn’t exist. They were exactly as they were: rodents and pests not worthy of the Fallen Arbiter’s gaze. [...]
This is a fantastic opening. It is really setting the tone for the entire post and really helping to lay the groundwork of just how imposing and larger-than-life Darkseid is in the Crossroads.
--
He knew who the heck he thought was. By Gosh, he was a dang hero.
At least he was supposed to be.
--
Then, Orphie sang.
Jacob, you’re not allowed to just spring Let It Go on me like this okay???
--
The carpet had reappeared, and Gilgamesh, and Victor Wolfy. He scoffed a bit as he dodged another whipping vine; he supposed not all the transfers were gonna be desirable, but they’d all been brought here for some purpose.
--
This Darkseid fella… he spared no f*cks, did he?
--
[...] The Crossroads’ best hope, their very own version of the mighty Hercules… just a few feet shorter and with considerably less muscles.
This is a fantastic opening. It is really setting the tone for the entire post and really helping to lay the groundwork of just how imposing and larger-than-life Darkseid is in the Crossroads.
--
He knew who the heck he thought was. By Gosh, he was a dang hero.
At least he was supposed to be.
--
Then, Orphie sang.
Jacob, you’re not allowed to just spring Let It Go on me like this okay???
--
The carpet had reappeared, and Gilgamesh, and Victor Wolfy. He scoffed a bit as he dodged another whipping vine; he supposed not all the transfers were gonna be desirable, but they’d all been brought here for some purpose.
--
This Darkseid fella… he spared no f*cks, did he?
--
[...] The Crossroads’ best hope, their very own version of the mighty Hercules… just a few feet shorter and with considerably less muscles.
Word Count:
Mickey Mouse - 12,673 words
Grading
Description & Clarity: 7
Mickey Mouse - 12,673 words
Grading
Description & Clarity: 7
I really liked the descriptions you used. The entire setting was, rightfully, very uncanny and unsettling. You really sold how eerie and awful and creepy the Uncanny Valley area is, even more so with a nasty Parademon lording it up in a crumbling castle.
That Parademon is uh, really frickin nasty btw, I echo Mickey’s sentiments. Ew.
Besides that, I feel like your combat scenes could be a bit more ‘punchy’ in terms of pacing. (I will cover this later under Voice) You use the same sort of flow in both non-combat and combat related scenes. I personally think your fights would be a bit easier to understand if they were paced quicker.
For example:
He heard Crush’s bones snap as the parademon… uh, crushed her in his taloned fist, and let out a big, loud battle cry as he leapt into the air and lifted the Star Seeker above his head.
You change subjects in a relatively unclear manner here. The first ‘he’ in the sentence is in reference to Mickey Mouse, then you mention the Parademon and use ‘he’ in reference to it, then without redefining your subject you use ‘he’ again to refer to Mick. I had to reread this sentence a few times to understand that it was Mickey wielding Star Seeker, not the Parademon.
Technical: 8
You were pretty on point in terms of typos or formatting errors. You only had a handful of misspellings throughout your entire post. I know this was a pretty long quest, so good job on the proofing. My only advice would be to always reread sentences and paragraphs if you rewrite half a line (that was your only real oopsy), so that the sentence still makes sense in context..
Characterization: 10
Your characterization in this thread is amazing. I’m really adoring how you write Mick and the crew. Even though I know very little about the Inklings, I feel like I have a very good understanding of who they are just from reading your posts. I got a big kick out of how you’re writing Protoman, and I’m loving the dynamic between him and Mickey. Kudos to you for being able to so faithfully write for Alex’s iteration of him, honestly! Those are big shoes to fill and you’re doing it f l a w l e s s l y.
Story: 9
I personally really enjoyed the overall pacing of the thread. I liked how you wrote Mickey reminiscing about everything from both his canon and ‘the old place’ (like what you did there), and how he’s handling missing all his friends, and most importantly his wife, Minnie. I’d love to see if he’s ever able to find her again~
You handled the tension well, a few times I was real scared you were about to kill off someone in the group and have Mickey go BEAST MODE. There were some serious stakes going on here, befitting of slaying a parademon. Stuff was pretty bleak and rough looking, but hope held out!
Voice: 8
Overall I think you have a strong voice. In this particular thread I do think you could stand to improve how your combat scenes are voiced. Often I found that you were using sentences of the same length, with lots of commas, and pauses, for clarifying description. This is well and good in most circumstances, but in a combat scene it can bog things down a bit, or cause things to be muddier and unclear. I would recommend chopping up your sentences in combat a bit more. Relegating actions to single, focused sentences can help to make everything feel quicker paced, more heated and much more ‘punchy’. It also helps to cut down on confusion with who’s doing what and where they’re going.
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I especially enjoyed the part where Okuyasu went to call for emergency services and ended up getting the merry melodies soundtrack. Your use of old fashioned cartoon violence and ideas really spoke to me because it’s what I grew up watching. Y’know. Bugs Bunny etc.
I like how technical and robotic the descriptions are for Ashe-0. It reminded me of Terminator scenes where they display the code on the camera for a point of view through Arnold’s eyes. I really liked how you portrayed her.
I like how technical and robotic the descriptions are for Ashe-0. It reminded me of Terminator scenes where they display the code on the camera for a point of view through Arnold’s eyes. I really liked how you portrayed her.
Word Count: -- Ashe-0: 4,873 Okuyasu: 4,828
Grading
Description & Clarity: 6
Grading
Description & Clarity: 6
Overall I didn’t have much trouble envisioning the world around you two. There were places where you both excelled at showing me the environment around you, and other places where it lacked. Though because of your overall consistency I was able to visualize everything just fine.
Technical: 5
Every now and again I’d notice incorrect suffixes, a misspelled word, or two words swapped around. Other than that it reads very well.
Characterization: 5
I like Ashe-0 as a character. I have a soft spot for robotic and technological characters. I really enjoyed how Ashe interacted with the world around her and how she spoke. It felt very definitive and final and it fit the character very well.
Story: 5
The story was fun. You both did a good job writing around each other. I enjoyed reading about a twenty foot behemoth colliding with a fire truck. Everything held my attention and I could follow what was going on with relative ease.
Voice: 5
I enjoyed how Ashe was written. Both of you portrayed your characters well. You included enough details to paint the picture as I was reading. I didn’t need to re-read many sections to understand what was going on. Overall, good job!
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Hey everyone, Quality Writing Submissions are open again! Be sure to read the first post of this thread for rules/guidelines regarding submissions.
Once we receive 5 threads from different users, staff will lock this thread.
Once we receive 5 threads from different users, staff will lock this thread.
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Submitting my personal thread Different World, Same Psycho starring Lilith
A personal quest, already received coin reward
I think I have something worth reading here and clocks in 7,7765 words between the last two posts in the thread which are a package set.
Last two posts: https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/a-new-supporter-enters-the-battle.1412/#post-12307
Only read the entire thread if you want to. The last two posts #11 and #12 are what I'm submitting for.
I think I have something worth reading here and clocks in 7,7765 words between the last two posts in the thread which are a package set.
Last two posts: https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/a-new-supporter-enters-the-battle.1412/#post-12307
Only read the entire thread if you want to. The last two posts #11 and #12 are what I'm submitting for.
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Where Giants Tread
World Quest, already have received the coin reward
Anders Nazret is the only PC participant
Word count is 5112
World Quest, already have received the coin reward
Anders Nazret is the only PC participant
Word count is 5112
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