Humble Writing C&C

[Arthur Morgan]

Hey, stranger.

Got somethin’ that might interest ya.

D’you want, like, constructive feedback on your writing? Presented as a set of bullet-points with clear suggestions and sincere encouragement? Based entirely on one Writing Studies student’s knowledge of creative writing?

Heheh. Well.

Post a link to a thread here that you want... looked at. Maybe even a single post. It’s up to you, pal.

Just wait two weeks between each submission. We ain’t got this product in spades, buddy.

Be seeing you.

 

[Ridley]

V - M - From The Ashes

The sand-baked dunes of the Mesa Roja deserts were very dry and very prone to temperature fluctuation. As a result, the dunes often found themselves swept, at least in the flat, arid areas, by vicious dust devils that scoured any remaining detritus from those unfortunate plants and animals that...

multerra.zulenka.com

Not even remotely my best work and I'll admit the editing is minimal if not nonexistent... but I'd love to hear what'cha think ^^

 

[Arthur Morgan]

Just the one post, yeah?

 

[Arthur Morgan]

Great post! Here’s my feedback:

• Wonderful imagery to describe an inhuman character’s facial expressions and moods. That can be pretty tough to do and you accomplished it well.
• Great internal dialogue and incorporation of Ridley’s private thoughts/feelings all throughout your paragraphs and description. This shows your strength as a writer to allow your character to permeate and shape a text. Absolutely beautiful.
• I think you could learn some more about using commas and other punctuation with dialogue. That means internal dialogue, too. Here’s a helpful article to refer back to whenever you’re writing: https://www.authorlearningcenter.co...tial-rules-for-punctuating-dialogue---article
• You forgot a few words in places, that made the sentences they belonged to a bit hard to comprehend with just one read-through. Just proofread carefully, your brain just automatically filled those words in while your keyboard didn’t.
• Also check to ensure capitalization is properly used at the beginning of your sentences, I noticed at least one error like that.
• You sometimes refer to Ridley as an it, other times as he/him/his. You also refer to the other gendered character as it, but at the same time call them a woman. I’m assuming this is meant to reflect the nature of Ridley, but then again, I’m not sure. In any case, try to keep your pronouns consistent!
• You have a real talent for describing the movements of your character and incorporating Ridley’s inhuman anatomy into it. I appreciate that a lot, it serves the dual purpose of building up a mental image of Ridley in the reader’s mind and also of showcasing his behavior/moods.
• Try to keep dialogue from appearing in the middle of your paragraphs. Look at your second paragraph in particular. Usually, you start the dialogue in a new paragraph if it’s going to be followed by additional description. I would have split this paragraph into at least three separate ones, and likely not have repeated “continued” quite so many times. Dialogue tags (he said, she said, it said, they said, he continued, etcetera) do not always have to be used beside dialogue unless for some reason you feel it would be unclear who is speaking.
• Excellently clever dialogue that seems both devious to the reader (holding a ton of double meanings!!! Hoo boy!) and yet wouldn’t be all that disturbing to the other characters involved. This is a shining example of how a writer can write dialogue for two audiences at once, one being the naive audience who does not know of the speaker’s true nature, the other being the readers who DO know better and are absolutely loving all the subtext. Great work.

 

[Victor Wolfe]

https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/crawl-0004-insanely-rich.333/ If you have the time, any one of the 5 quest sections would be awesome to get reviewed <3

 

[Link]

https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/best-served-cold.399/post-2751 if you dont mind? It's been months since I've written.. anything and could do with an idea of where I need to fix things etc

 

[Klarion]

https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/crawl-0004-insanely-rich.333/ If you have the time, any one of the 5 quest sections would be awesome to get reviewed <3

To be clear, I’ll be giving you feedback on this post.

1. First of all, great work on this one. You really showed a lot of diversity in the length of your paragraphs, which I always love to see! Now, let's leap into this post...
2. In your first paragraph, you start off telling us what Victor thinks of Sigmund’s religion. I would suggest continuing to do this commentary in your posts as it provides insight into Victor’s character, but maybe frame it more as an internal monologue from Vic, possibly even italicizing or rewording some things to make it clear that these are Vic’s thoughts.
3. In addition, you always include a lot of commentary like I’ve already addressed, but where is Victor’s actual reaction? Does he grimace, frown, smirk a little? Fold his arms? Raise his eyebrows and glance around like he’s trying to make sure everyone else heard that, too? Give your readers a mental image of what Victor’s feeling, too!
4. Your characterization of Victor is as strong as ever, and I also think you added some color to Sigmund and Ahana’s characters, as well. The fun of reading a collaborative story is watching how each writer represents each other’s characters, after all!
5. Your second paragraph has commas in a lot of odd places and several incomplete sentences. Remember, commas represent a “pause” in dialogue. Here’s an imperfect, but maybe more clear restyling of your paragraph that can give you can idea of what I mean: “The three worked quickly, Victor writing up leaflets on the backs of some old papers he had found in the chief's hut, carefully choosing each word as he wrote up the first proclamation of their new cult. Combining the religious propaganda he had heard so much from his homeland, as well as some of the sales pitches he had seen on the Dataverse, Victor was more than prepared for the task ahead of him.”
6. Your description of the Xenomorph was lovely! Just be sure to check your punctuation so it’s easier for readers to understand and appreciate that description.
7. You sometimes misspell words, but this is just a matter of carefully proofreading your work. Maybe even try to read your posts backwards, sentence by sentence (not word by word), so you can more easily spot misspellings without your brain automatically glossing over them.
8. Here’s a tip for dialogue: Try not to let it all look the same. What I mean by this is that you often write a line of dialogue and immediately follow it with a tagline like “Ahana laughed at etc.” or “Victor smiled as he stood up.” I’d suggest trying to have these actions or expressions in the MIDDLE of your dialogue. Here’s how to do it: https://thewritepractice.com/dialogue-tags/
9. Be sure to use ellipses whenever your character is speaking and trails off.
10. Be sure to use periods at the end of complete sentences. There are points where you use a comma instead, resulting in run-on sentences. Read this to learn more: https://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/grammar/runonsentences
11. You really developed a lot of y’all’s story with this post. I think you did a wonderful job of introducing numerous story points for your writing partners to latch onto as inspiration when developing their own posts. Excellent!

 

[Ahana Varma]

Oh! Oh! Me next! Pick me! Pick me!

But yeah, if you wanna review any post of mine from the Crawl thread, that'd be sweet:

V - S - [Crawl #0004] Insanely Rich (COMPLETE)

Crawl #0004 - Insanely Rich Party Members: Ahana Varma, Victor Wolfe, Sigmund Vrell Party Meter: 50% (Note - As the Meter depletes, your character will be subject to increasing malaise and psychosis) Total Loot: 4,484 Coin, Base Upgrade Quests Completed: 3 Quest #1 - Meeting the Competition...

multerra.zulenka.com

 

[Arthur Morgan]

https://multerra.zulenka.com/index.php?threads/best-served-cold.399/post-2751 if you dont mind? It's been months since I've written.. anything and could do with an idea of where I need to fix things etc

I’ll be responding to this post, for transparency!

• The comma preceding impatiently in this sentence is not needed. This happens a couple times in your post. It’s an easy fix: “Nishana sighed and slumped into the pilot’s seat of the Osprey, tapping her foot onto the cold metal floor, impatiently.”
• “The inky black of space, dappled with tiny flecks of light off in the distance, loomed eerily just the other side of the window before the Mandalorian. She muttered to herself as she turned towards the droid perched in the seat beside her.” Great description in this paragraph! Seriously, this is super lovely and provides a clear image in my mind of the setting. There is nothing that really needs to be altered about it, but don’t forget to proofread- you forgot a word or two. This is easy to do, since as the writer your eyes gloss over missing words and your brain immediately plugs them in for you. As a reader it is easier for me to notice these missing words, however, since I haven’t been the one writing the text and staring at it for hours. A suggestion I’ve found that works to curb this is to simply change the font/size of the text I’m working on to something radically different. This makes it easier for your brain to trip up or stumble on mistakes.
• I also noticed that you use a lot of dialogue tags- he said, she said, the droid droned, etcetera. Here are some tips to use these more effectively and sparingly.
• “Gradually, the stars in the distance drew ever closer, elongating into a swirling blue vortex. As the ship began to pick up speed, the entire cockpit lit up and flashed red intermittently, a screeching alarm pierced the cacophony of the Hyperdrives engaging. Nishana sprung up in her seat, panic spread across her features as the color from her cheeks drained, the intermittent flashing dashboard casting an uneasy hue of scarlet across her now ivory visage.” Wonderful description here of space travel. Badass.
• “As the ship began to pick up speed, the entire cockpit lit up and flashed red intermittently, a screeching alarm pierced the cacophony of the Hyperdrives engaging.” This sentence is a little wonky. The first two sections are excellent, but the last (beginning with “... a screeching alarm”) should either be separated by a period into its own sentence or reworded. This is because of your use of the word “pierced” instead of “piercing.” Of course, we all get what you mean, but “pierced” is not the correct tense to use unless that section is its own sentence.
• I would also reword “the cacophony of the Hyperdrives engaging” to “the cacophony as the Hyperdrives engaged.” This phrasing is more clear.
• You sometimes us it’s where its should be used. Remember, it’s stands for “it is” while its is the possessive form of it. Here’s a more thorough explanation.
• You use consistently awesome diction throughout, you just gotta work on making your sentence structure more exciting. For example, “The city found itself illuminated as the Osprey streaked across the sky before coming to a volatile landing, sand thrown into the sky” is a little flat and an info-dump. There’s a lot going on in this sentence. Not only is the city finding itself illuminated, but the Osprey is streaking across the sky, landing, and sand is being thrown into the sky by the impact. I’d rephrase it something like this: “The Osprey streaked across the sky, illuminating the city with a violent flash as the ship smashed into the ground, a geyser of sand exploding around it.” Of course, you can reword this in any way you want, but when you have a lot of things happening in one sentence you gotta help your readers out and divide it all up with commas. This makes it easier to read and understand.
• In addition, in your final sentence you end with “... the Hunter lay in a crumpled heap against the cockpit window.” This can stand alone as its own sentence.
• Here are some tips about independent and dependent clauses in sentences. I think this is the most crucial area of improvement for you.
• The content of your posts is stellar (haha) and you show a lot of excitement in the way you write your characters and the action. I was riveted by all that happened in this post. Even if it seems like I gave a lot of feedback, this is because many of the issues in your post are fairly simple to rectify. Eventually and if you keep at it, these issues will fade away entirely. Great job.