Hello everyone! Welcome to the March edition of the XROADS BOOK CLUB, sponsored by PepsiCo.
We've gathered up some suggestions from you lovely people and we're dropping 'em below. The following threads are yours for the reading and the reviewing. But before we get into it, there's some ground rules:
If you're reviewing a thread, please read the whole thread! There are a lot of reasons for this -- you might get a better idea of the whole arc, someone's writing may grow from start to finish, etc. Just as a basic rule, try to read the whole goshdarn shebang if you're gonna give comments.
Please make sure to keep your comments constructive! This doesn't necessarily always mean positives (though please do give positive notes when you have them!) but just make sure that you aren't giving people notes like "your grammar sucks." What's a place in particular you can give kind advice on? Also -- keep in mind that there's no reason to come in and rip someone apart.
In general, when giving critiques, the most important thing for me to hear from someone is how something makes them feel. If your review is just a paragraph about what emotions the character's journey dredged up in you, that is so helpful to me as a writer. Was it what I intended? How did it differ from what I thought I was doing?
Lastly, just a numbers note: try and make sure your reviews are at least a full paragraph of six to ten sentences (or more!). Ostensibly you're getting a 20 token reward if you do all of the threads, so try and put some thought into your feedback. Book Club, at its core, is about helping us all come together as a community and work together to create a world, improve ourselves, and enjoy others' work. Keep that in mind as you approach it.
You can review one, two, or all of these threads, and your Token reward at the end of the month will match accordingly (+20 Tokens for all, +3 Tokens per every thread you review). Reviewing 3 of the threads will waive your Token costs to submit a thread for next month's Book Club.
First off, this whole thread is an interesting approach to an origin story. You build intrigue around your character without directly showing them off. You utilize the supporting casts' perspective to let people imagine what V is capable of, showing only the results, and maintaining the mystery of why she was left deactivated in the facility. On top of that the scrap hunters do a great job of escalating the dread of their mission, especially Janning, love the ‘only sane person’ type. Looking forward to the ‘waking up the monster’ moment next thread after that cliffhanger. Also appreciate all the sci-fi tech stuff you feature and the subtle nods to lore. Speaking of the scrap hunters, they have an amazingly fun dynamic. You manage balancing several characters while giving each a unique identity, fleshing them out and hinting at their history throughout. The sharp-tongued robot is a favorite. Janning definitely stands out as the main character for this story, I'm curious what direction you'll take him. If I could give any criticism it'd be repetition of one or two details here and there, particularly in regards to dust. Alyssa feels less developed than the others as she isn't described much beyond her role in the group, although I completely understand if there wasn't room to involve her more.
Hilarious. From the onset I knew I was in for a good time with this one. Succinct and to the point, I never lacked for knowing what I needed to and was given enough description for my own imagination to take over painting the scene. I can tell you had a great time writing this, and it shows with how much fun I had reading it. This short tale had everything, humor, action, a burgeoning tale of romance between coach and disciple? The message and theme come across easy, as well, while being well-written. Only critique is a personal preference in using Zagreus' name too much, but even that didn't pull me out of the story for even a moment. Ya got the skillz, kid! Ya got the heart!
This story had some really stand out moments. Shinku bringing vengeance to the bandits, showcasing his hunter patience, his efficient, merciless assassin technique, and his use of fear as a weapon. And then the standoff at the end, the drama and tension across the thread escalates, and I could feel Elise's struggle with having to kill her friend. The outcome was also mysterious enough to keep me guessing until the end. The lead up to Elise's encounter with the bandits did a good job building up dread, however I think the one dimensionality of the bandits undercut the tension, their motivations seemed hollow. Just making their dialogue more believable would go a long way. I like how Orochi exists as an antagonistic force directly in Shinku's face while also lingering in the background. This thread shows the mentor and student relationship between Shinku and Elise and how Orochi complicates that. You also hint at Shinku's conflict between his duty to protect and kill. I'm interested to see you develop these dynamics further. Shinku's true feelings remain ambiguous throughout, so I wonder where you'll end up taking that. My main criticism in general is the way things tend to be described is literal, you could incorporate more imaginative language.
"Arcadian Armaments; Wrought Low by Phantom and Fanatic" - written by Lilith and Ghost Orchid
This story felt like three tales in two parts. The first 10k words felt like a slow burn through the streets and alleys of Arcadia and I appreciated the introduction to the character dynamics leading up to the shop. The acquisition of the AXE was metal as heck (and I super enjoyed every use of it from there on out in the story). When they got to the facility, I genuinely did not see the tunnels coming until the rats. The tunnels felt like a whole complete story within themselves and although a fun dungeon-delver storyline, it did make me sometimes completely forget about the facility until they reached the door.
It was like a gear shift as you both went for your final 5k words each, and I would call this whole facility scene part 2 of this story. The writing felt different and I enjoyed it the most. Things felt tighter and more fun, I especially liked ghost orchid turning mean, and Lilith destroying the mages of Arcadia was a wonderful treat. Overall, Im glad I stuck with it because I really enjoyed the last half of this story.
Short and sweet, does a lot with a little. Zagreus's banter with the narrator is charming as ever. It's satisfying to see his personal growth after being thoroughly humbled is tied to his new ability. Doc Louis has such an entertaining personality and I'd love to read more of him and Zag. The times where you paused for exposition flowed naturally with the story. The fighting choreography felt appropriately intense and well paced. The only thing I noticed was some slight repetition in the action but it never got in the way.
I put too much effort into this review cause it was mostly written as I was reading and edited after. I apologize for the sheer girth of text you have to sift through, and I have added spoilers to keep it condensed.
There's a subtle crescendo in horror, which I think is caused by them viewing it from afar with radio static, making it hard to see what the scene actually looks like so it's like "Wait... are they bite marks" and then "Wait... are they bite marks?". 024 contributes to by calling people meatbag, which is a neat reversal of the whole "bag of bolts" trope but also deeply uncomfortable to someone like me, as it reminds us of what we're made of in such a callous way. Very nuanced, there, and it gets increasingly less comfy for 024 to say that as they see the mechanical bodies scattered about and the sheer harm they might be in, even from afar. Actually, that goes for a lot of the things these people say, and how much emphasis is placed on their fragility. Like when they're talking about how some guy's face melted for a few seconds after instant exposure to pressurized steam? Fun, me like!
I appreciate your style of giving visuals. How you reveal them slowly, and with broad strokes, so that we have more room to think for ourselves of what this character looks like. It comes with upsides and downsides, but the ability to do that at all is one of the strengths of literature, and you're taking advantage of that not only to give us room to think of these characters' appearances on our own, but to focus more on personality and let us define them as people before we define them as bodies.
For some silly reason I kept imagining 024 as a taaaall tower with a camera on top for his eye, and a wrecking ball attached like one of those tetherball poles?? Obviously wrong, it's not a legit criticism, but I wanted to I didn't start to get a good idea of how he looked until, like... post 6, again. I think it's because 024 complained about Ivan banging on the walls. I missed the part where they mentioned being in a shelter (caught that on review), so for some reason, I thought they were in some sort of vehicle, like a tram. When I see the word "chassis", I don't think "body", I see it and think "car", so all this combined in my head to make "Oh, is 024 attached to the car? I see, so then they have a talking car friend! Nice!" Then I see the camera, and immediately think of Cyn's type of camera and then "Okay, cool, security camera, got one of those on a stick or something. But if it's a car, it's pretty rigid, so maybe it's on top of a pole or something." None of this is outright thought, it's just intuitive [and wrong].
If you ever wondered why I got tunnel visioned in the SES sessions, this is the same idea as that. My mind is VAST and jank as fu-
Personally, I think 024's smarm goes a bit too far for my liking. He might be loyal, but after a point, I'm like "dude... go get a coffee and chill." I can only take so much aggression from a character before I think they're just kind of an asshole, and for 024, it definitely reached that point for me. Like, he gives no genuine compliments, boasts about his prowess, and hates fun. That's the vibe I get, I don't buy that this group would keep him around and be so chill around him when he's acting like this, like at all. I don't know if you plan to keep this cast long-term, but if so, I'd like to see 024... maybe not soften up per se, but show more of what makes him like the cast, and what the cast likes in him as a person, rather than just a defender. Cause just defending them doesn't really sell me, not dying is mutually beneficial in most scenarios. If it were me, I'd hire someone else. Like, dude... go get a coffee and chill.
Janning is probs my favorite, just so tired and done with it all, but he genuinely seems to enjoy his trade- er, theft, pardon, and he knows when things are gonna get wild. I hope, if no one else lives, the guy who saw the impending doom coming will. He is very gripey, which is probably why people rag on him all the time. But I love the little details in his behaviors, he reads as an incredibly vibrant character- the fun type of thief! I love the detail of him squinting his eyes cause of tiny little scars he has on them, and apparently how the rest of his crew somehow noticed that?? Dang, I used to wear a depressed badge in high school specifically to signal my mood and no one noticed unless I told them. That's how you know this crew is top notch.
Jack-head.
Overall though, the cast is fine. Janning and 024 stand out, because they get the most attention. Ivan is third for me, I like how positive he is about stuff, and how he's chill with having a prosthetic arm. Llang and Alyssa don't stand out to me at all though.
Okay, you threw me for a loop here. I was SO sure that they were all gonna die, Alien style, with maaaaybe one of them getting out. It'd be suitably edgy, based on V's source material. And, of course, horror as a whole. But what's really fun is, I tend to skim a bit more than I like, and the way you wrote the second-to-last paragraph is super well written to trick folks like me into thinking he got jabbied, when he actually just fell backwards. It's how you say "something icy settled into the pit of his stomach." "A bright, clear and unmistakable red." "Blood rushed in his ears." But despite that, you read it closely and it gives you all the info to realize 'no, he just fell like a chump'.
It made me feel insecure about what was happening in a really cool way, because having watched Murder Drones, I know V has numerous scythe-like fingies that can be used to plunge into the pit of Janning's stomach. So having read too fast, it captured in me that sense of "what IS HAPPENING AGH MY GOD"! This wasn't planned, I'm pretty confident. But the fact I even had an experience like that is so cool, and given your kinetic style of writing, I'd love to have it happen again!
You did a great job, I'd say, cause I was so curious by the end that I immediately followed up with your next thread, [ Execute ], to see how it turned out. I was like "did they die? Are we gonna hard cut to the distant future, and assume that they all died that day? Is Janning dead, even?!"
Great job! I'm curious to see more of the letter V! I enjoyed the subtle build up to V's reveal. It's a fun way to introduce a character, by having the opening thread find the actual player character rather than the player character be imported into the Xroads. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you do in [ Execute ]!
Arcadian Armaments; Wrought Low by Phantom and Fanatic
Written by Ghost Orchid, Lilith
VSM
I will be very blunt here, the sexual tension in this entire thread is through the roof, and I'm here for it.
I'd expect nothing less from a seductress succubus, of course. In this case, it's fun to see Lilith top the power dynamic, since we've clearly established that she's below Ridley in that regard. Seeing Ghost positively squirm with anxiety and fear under her iron grip. But then he does a turn-around, and starts playing along, realizing he's forced to be with her against his whim, so he might as well roll with it. It's fun to see the turns table like this.
Huge props to the both of you, for playing each other's characters convincingly! It's always fun, but a little risky to play with someone else like that. I mean, if you get it wrong, then the whole mood is ruined. But it seems like you two really got each other's characters, and knew how to mess around with them and keep things interesting. More than that, you switch it up between each other's perspectives. It's super good when both players are putting in the work to make it work.
It's fun to see the sheer difference in power between Lilith and Ghost. More than that, it's so much fun to see the way she utterly turns Ghost's life upside down. She just says her name and it sends men running. And she's absolutely chaotic too, really enjoys torturing the poor guy.
Ghost: I love the use of bold text to signify speech. I used to use colors on an older forum, so I completely appreciate taking a more overtly visual approach to literature. Beyond just that, I love how effective you are at conveying this as the worst night he could possibly have had in his life, as a merc, and the subtle ways he fools himself into thinking he's "gaining back control". There's also some very subtle warming up to Lilith that's incredibly insidious. Starting with utter horror, to begrudging alliance, to "I'd do her if she wasn't FUCKING EVIL". That's the sort of slippery slope that'll slip you into her grasp, very nice attention to detail there. It's made even better as she pushes him to his limits, and makes him question his own sanity, only for him to rebound and shout at her.
I also like that halfway in, he got his shoulder crushed by a rock because, ironically, he's a well-intentioned guy who chose a sketchy job and got further corrupted by his circumstances, yet he was still worried about Lilith enough to ignore his own problems. He didn't even think about Lilith when considering warning her, but just thinking through doing that is what got him hurt. It's soooo good. That shows that, at his core, he wants to protect people generally.
Lilith: I find it really funny that she's jealous of a scientist taking Ridley away, when he's just really pissed off and doesn't want anything to do with her. Like, that's exactly how it would go, wouldn't it? I love a good yandere character, and a succubus fits the role perfectly. But more than that, she's really fooled herself into thinking she's doing something positive for Ghost, by freeing him from killing for coin- completely unaware that she's just replaced Claudio as his new boss, and she's even worse at it. Really fun lack of awareness there, and fits her super well based on her adoration toward some purple pirate prick.
Ghost just completely snaps and it's like "ooooooh snap, time to POP OFF". Listened to Hollow Knight's "Nightmare King Grimm" as I read on, cause void and all. Love it. Love it.
And the ominous god, Volug, the Reversion of the Stars? Such a great subtitle, "reversion of the stars". But also very ominous as well, how they sound like heaven and look like hell. Makes me wonder if Volug is really a good influence on Ghost's path toward heroism or not. They seem to want to help, but then they're criticizing Ghost for totally being able to escape Lilith, and I have to wonder... did he have a choice thoooough? That question really lays at the intentions of this godly being, and perhaps they just want to bring Ghost back home. You know. To the void.
Ghost is cool, I like that he starts out with a sort of moral preference, but really he is just like any other assassin. While he has issues with Claudio, he obviously doesn't care enough about people to work toward another solution, to challenge the status quo, or do anything about anything if it means putting his life at risk. He says he doesn't want to die, but to my mind, I think he's just using that as an excuse to not do anything, including hidden subterfuge. So to see that called out, and see an impetus for him to change and actually do right by the world in some way? Good stuff.
Lilith's fantasy is really funny to me, I'm sorry if that's not the intended response but... Damn, she can't stop using euphamisms, even in her fantasy! And Ghost Orchid in the back, fuckin like 'daaamn, wish that were meeee', my god it's amazing.
In all seriousness, I like that she does that and then wakes up to having gotten herself out of trouble. I see Lilith, overall, as an extreme take on feminine power, how she uses sexuality and exploits (typically male) attraction to get what she wants. How she exploits this in ways sexual and violent to manipulate people, even those who aren't looking to get "lucky" tonight. Then you see a glimpse of the trauma that belies her mentality, and it starts to humanize her in a very curious way. How her villainy, her malice, stems from a need to repress her own anxieties about hurting others, and having to embrace it rather than challenge it.
Then you see her own rebound, much like Ghost's, in a glorious blaze of sinful flame, and beyond being an acceptance of her repression, to me it almost seems like... well, that is the power of whatever she's trying to hide away. That's the power of her fear, self-hatred, the power she leans into. When you rely on the powers of Hell to repress an unstoppable fear, it only follows that the power to spring forth is, likewise, unstoppable. That's super cool, to me.
Overall, I see Lilith as a comically tragic character, in that she's clearly deluded and that's fun, but she has very real issues and causes very real harm, and as such she works by a bizarre logic that can be predicted, but not imitated without inevitably sacrificing yourself to some extent.
My favorite lines:
[Lilith] The mundane and the mild brought no satisfaction to the debauchee, turning her sinful tastes to the extreme and the obscene.
[Ghost] His sanity entirely relied on a fucking maybe.
[Ghost] Today was not going to get any worse.
[Lilith] The worst had yet to come. And Lilith was just the worst.
[Ghost] The name on her own tongue felt sassy and self important. Even with its beautiful history she somehow managed to erase that entirely with a flick of her words.
[Lilith] Faintly, she thought she heard chanting. 'Rats, rats...' But it must have just been her imagination.
In short: this thread gets me thinking of how far I might be able to up the ante in my own posts, I hope I can live up to the sheer spectacle on display here! [ Arcadian Armaments; Ghost's First Time With A Succubus ] is a fun thread, very powerful, and I thoroughly enjoyed it~![/review]
One post in and I absolutely love it. Despite having played Hades myself, I didn't stop and think about the narrator. This is so GENIUS, to me. It basically ensures Zagreus is always in a dialogue, even when he's alone, allowing him to bounce off someone wherever he is. It's also nice that he has the voices of the gods in his head, too, nice touch.
I like the use of gameplay elements to characterize Zag. The way that pink flashes are just a thing he sees as a "divine power" is really cool. Seeing Doc's fists are "blindingly bright pink" is really fun because it shows how much more powerful that he is. It's also amazing, because at first I thought "aw what, but he's just a boxer!", before remembering he taught Little Mac, who's been hit by so much stuff that'd kill a normal person.
I love the conversation Doc Louis has with Zag at the end. It's so fitting for both of them, and it's great that Doc isn't just pushing Zag as a fighter, but as a person too. Kickin' his ass, in the ring and out. The interactions they have overall are just fantastic, though, they're a great fit for one another.
I think the fight scenes are nice. They might be improved by messing around with the spacing of actions in the heat of the moment, and finding fun, maybe even poetic ways to describe events.
Like, I loved when you said Doc's arms shifted "almost chimerically" as he was blocking Zag's attacks, that was a very clever way to phrase it and not only perfectly described the way he looked in doing so, but also tied back to the whole theme of "myths and monsters" that Zag naturally falls into. That's the sorta poetic writing that can help a lot.
Favorite lines:
On top of [the T-Rex's] torso, lazy Zagreus lounged around, picking at his teeth.
"I'm not lounging around," Zagreus snapped, "I'm just resting. I'm allowed a bit of that, aren't I?"
"Both were now too immersed in the duel, Zagreus aggressively searching for openings in Doc's guard as Doc Louis's arms shifted almost chimerically from position to position."
The whole back and forth about Zag's 'heart', starting from "You fight like, in another time, you would've died for something."
This thread is a great reminder that more isn't always better. While other threads I've read so far are rich with character interactions and nuance, the small size of this thread made it the easiest for me to just jump into. That's also aided by just how charismatic both Zag and Doc are, as characters. You are quite good at seeing their personalities, and then writing them accordingly. I really enjoyed this, good job!
Ooooh, interesting! This is the first story I've heard regarding the consequences of Govermorne's fall! That's fun, to me. I haven't seen many stories about Govermorne, specifically, (or many stories at all to be honest... I need to read more!), so it's fun to see that here! Not only that, but to see remnants of it in the world. I am down for seeing more worlds and locations with Govermorne-style architecture.
It's also a follow up to the Carnivale Rosa, which... yeah, I gotta read those sometime. But it's almost fun in its own way, to read about their outcomes without knowing what went on. Hearing that these people fear Shinku, it's interesting, because I have to wonder- was it because he died? Or because he did real messed up stuff in the last game?
After reading Arcadian Armaments, it really shows how you can take the base concept of "assassin" and take different approaches to it. Shinku has more of a "fallen from grace" vibe about him, especially given how he's deferred from his father's wisdom and has very clear remorse over his actions. It reads, to someone jumping into his plot halfway in, as if he rushed into his role as assassin and got swept up in the role, taking an overly vindictive approach to justice that he's now calling into question. I dig it!
On that note, it's fun seeing Shinku's hesitation toward his goal. I saw a bit of his desire for a simpler life with him looking out at the Arcadian sunset, but after reading Arcadian Armaments, I wasn't sure if that's where we were going with the story. But as soon as Orochi opened his mouth, and called out Shinku's feelings for Elise, the conflict was clear: appreciating what he has, versus seeking justice for who's wronged him.
Elise has some strong hang ups, as well, that make her interesting to me. How she's suffering because her home was taken away, and her family is missing... but also how she feels like a burden, and so wants to shoulder her problems all alone, no matter how backbreaking they are. I love seeing the way her mind races as she fights against her own anxiety at taking a life. The way she battles with the life she's about to toss away, in favor of power. She's a nice parallel to Shinku, in that sense, and I'm willing to bet they'll both be giving each other plenty of food for thought in the coming adventures.
Oooo, we got a "Meanwhile" in here, that's not bad! And a pretty bang-on fight scene, too! Shinku is no one to be trifled with, in that sense. I love the use of darkness to embody Shinku, it almost makes it feel like he is the darkness, as he could be, and could attack from, anywhere, and you wouldn't know.
Favorite moments:
Anything with Orochi harassing Shinku.
The archer bandit's arrow, shot into the darkness, turning right around and hitting him so precisely in the throat.
'It was definitely from his own lips but it's as if he was hearing it from his father. Then, a thought suddenly surged in him - was he the one to protect, or destroy?'
The way Elise struggles to do what he does, and how much Shinku clearly cares about her, leads him to question the way he's been doing things, and it tells me that... WOW, I gotta read the rest of this guy's stuff, for real, cause this is likely a payoff to a long time of RPing. Yeah, I SEE that essence! This ain't your first rodeo, bucko! Consider it a future goal, for me to get to the rest of Shinku's backlog.
I feel like doing all these reviews has gotten me more interested in reading, which is super refreshing. I'll have to get into it more often, I think!
